I don't know if any of ya'll have ever read The Between Boyfriends Book by Cindy Chupack, but it is an amusing collection of essays about that time between boyfriend A & B [see: Take It]. In one of her essays, Chupack talks about the "Sexual Sorbet," who is a guy that you sleep with after a breakup...in order to cleanse your palate.
Her argument is that you need to put some distance between yourself and your failed realtionship. Now, hopefully none of you are appalled or shocked by this entry yet. I mean, let's face it, men do it...and we shouldn't be all virginal about the whole concept either.
Now, neither Chupack or I am advocating sleeping around. First off, protect yourself and be smart about this. Second, there is always old standbys that many women keep around for when they are lonely [fact of life, people, just move on, and accept this entry!]. Use one of them if the prospect of putting another notch in your bed post makes you cringe.
And this isn't a means to enter into a relationship either. No, no, that's rebound and we are self-aware women and we know that we are not ready for that yet, emotionally. This is stickly a cleanser. Sorbet. Like one of those crazy cleanser-fasting diets that women go on to clean out the system. That's all we are talking about here.
You need to put some distance between you and your ex. You need it, believe me. I'm not saying it has to happen that very night. I am simply saying that when you think you are ready to cleanse the palate, when you are ready to leave that taste in your mouth behind, get some sorbet!
Sorbet is better than Listerine...trust me.
A 20-somethings' musings on life, friendships, relationships, love, and becoming a woman.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Take It
I've learned that as I age, it is not emotionally healthy for a woman to enter into a rebound relationship; to trade her feelings for one man, and give them to another. I've learned that not only is it not nice to the new guy, but it is not very nice to yourself. Yes, you are hurt after a relationship, but giving your affection to a new one, isn't something the Surgeon General would suggest.
So how long before a break up do you start getting back in the saddle or sitting on the bench so that the coach will put you back in the game? Well, it depends. It depends on how the previous relationship ended. It depends on how long the two of you were together. It depends on how serious your feelings were and how serious your lives were intertwined. In other words, I've learned that while Charlotte may have claimed to shed some light on the subject ["It takes half as long as you were dating a man to get over him."], that might not always be the case.
It is something that each woman needs to feel out. When does the sight of pictures or thoughts of this previous suitor not make you cry? When do you feel like yourself again? When do you feel whole, not battered and bruised?
It might be difficult for many women to judge just how far along they have come in the moving on game in order to shy away from rebound. My suggestion? After you've taken a few weeks to yourself, go on a few dates. Meet some new guys. Consciously tell yourself to not get attached. I don't care if you tell yourself every minute of the day that you just want to focus on your career in order for you not to become attached to dates 1, 2, or 3. You'll be able to tell at the very least after 3 dates how far you have progressed (assuming you are somewhat self-aware to begin with).
However, let me lay down the law. Unless you dated the guy a month or less, 2 weeks is not enough time that you aren't trading your feelings in. Even if you were in an abusive relationship, 2 weeks is not enough. You need time to heal yourself, even if you aren't upset about the void of that certain man in your life.
Take it from a girl who never wanted any time between relationship A & B...take it. It is seriously the best thing in the world. I realize it now that I've had time to experience it.
Take a breath. Being on your own can feel amazing. Yes, its lonely. However, you have friends, and inform them that you will be using them to full capacity in the next few weeks, but that you will gladly reciprocate if that comes to pass on their end in the future. Do things for you. Treat yourself to dessert, a movie, a weekend getaway, all your guilty pleasures.
During this time think about you. Who you are, who you want to be, what you need to change or could improve on. Not what you did wrong, but just things you would like to see manifest differently in your next relationship. Self-awareness and self-evaluation are key. Reflection is a good thing.
I promise you, only good things can come of not jumping into being called "girlfriend" again.
So how long before a break up do you start getting back in the saddle or sitting on the bench so that the coach will put you back in the game? Well, it depends. It depends on how the previous relationship ended. It depends on how long the two of you were together. It depends on how serious your feelings were and how serious your lives were intertwined. In other words, I've learned that while Charlotte may have claimed to shed some light on the subject ["It takes half as long as you were dating a man to get over him."], that might not always be the case.
It is something that each woman needs to feel out. When does the sight of pictures or thoughts of this previous suitor not make you cry? When do you feel like yourself again? When do you feel whole, not battered and bruised?
It might be difficult for many women to judge just how far along they have come in the moving on game in order to shy away from rebound. My suggestion? After you've taken a few weeks to yourself, go on a few dates. Meet some new guys. Consciously tell yourself to not get attached. I don't care if you tell yourself every minute of the day that you just want to focus on your career in order for you not to become attached to dates 1, 2, or 3. You'll be able to tell at the very least after 3 dates how far you have progressed (assuming you are somewhat self-aware to begin with).
However, let me lay down the law. Unless you dated the guy a month or less, 2 weeks is not enough time that you aren't trading your feelings in. Even if you were in an abusive relationship, 2 weeks is not enough. You need time to heal yourself, even if you aren't upset about the void of that certain man in your life.
Take it from a girl who never wanted any time between relationship A & B...take it. It is seriously the best thing in the world. I realize it now that I've had time to experience it.
Take a breath. Being on your own can feel amazing. Yes, its lonely. However, you have friends, and inform them that you will be using them to full capacity in the next few weeks, but that you will gladly reciprocate if that comes to pass on their end in the future. Do things for you. Treat yourself to dessert, a movie, a weekend getaway, all your guilty pleasures.
During this time think about you. Who you are, who you want to be, what you need to change or could improve on. Not what you did wrong, but just things you would like to see manifest differently in your next relationship. Self-awareness and self-evaluation are key. Reflection is a good thing.
I promise you, only good things can come of not jumping into being called "girlfriend" again.
Define "Man"
"Country Man" by Luke Bryan is one of my favorite country songs. Rather than give you the lyrics, I'm just going to talk about what a "man" is. Because I think I have finally realized a definition of "man" [in contrast to "boy" or "guy"].
A man is someone who can take care of himself. Not only is he capable of taking care of himself in an independent manner, but he is more than willing to help out his friends when they are in need. He will move them across the country. He will get them out of a bad situation. He will calm them down when they are raging mad. He will give them the shirt off his back.
A man is loyal. He will care for his lady. He will treat her like a precious stone, one that he feels he has been entrusted to care for. He will protect her, but if she needs it, he will give her her independence. He does not smother her. He does stuff just to make her happy, like take out the trash without being nagged.
A man is responsible. He works. He gets paid. He provides. He does it the best he can. He tries very hard. He doesn't bail. Ever.
A man is the one who deserves a beer sometimes after a long day or project. A man is someone who sometimes needs to be alone to be with his thoughts, it doesn't mean he is ignoring you or mad. He just needs alone time to forget about all that he is responsible for in the world.
A real man has emotions. He isn't afraid to acknowledge that they are present in his body, even if he doesn't outwardly show on the surface. A real man gets angry, but he forgives and lets you know everything is ok and that he's forgiven you. A real man tells you what is on his mind. He doesn't play games with a woman. He will tell you if he is angry (or some other emotion) at you. [Think Noah in The Notebook: "I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass."]
I think most males are capable of reaching this "man" definition. However, I think for many of them it is just easier to stay in the "guy" zone where they can be assholes, treat many people badly, not be responsible, not understand their emotions or thoughts, and isn't willing to change yet.
A man is someone who can take care of himself. Not only is he capable of taking care of himself in an independent manner, but he is more than willing to help out his friends when they are in need. He will move them across the country. He will get them out of a bad situation. He will calm them down when they are raging mad. He will give them the shirt off his back.
A man is loyal. He will care for his lady. He will treat her like a precious stone, one that he feels he has been entrusted to care for. He will protect her, but if she needs it, he will give her her independence. He does not smother her. He does stuff just to make her happy, like take out the trash without being nagged.
A man is responsible. He works. He gets paid. He provides. He does it the best he can. He tries very hard. He doesn't bail. Ever.
A man is the one who deserves a beer sometimes after a long day or project. A man is someone who sometimes needs to be alone to be with his thoughts, it doesn't mean he is ignoring you or mad. He just needs alone time to forget about all that he is responsible for in the world.
A real man has emotions. He isn't afraid to acknowledge that they are present in his body, even if he doesn't outwardly show on the surface. A real man gets angry, but he forgives and lets you know everything is ok and that he's forgiven you. A real man tells you what is on his mind. He doesn't play games with a woman. He will tell you if he is angry (or some other emotion) at you. [Think Noah in The Notebook: "I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass."]
I think most males are capable of reaching this "man" definition. However, I think for many of them it is just easier to stay in the "guy" zone where they can be assholes, treat many people badly, not be responsible, not understand their emotions or thoughts, and isn't willing to change yet.
Catharsis
Catharsis is seriously the best feeling in the world. The feeling of just letting all of a certain type of emotion drain out of your body is an amazing feeling. It's relief, pure joy, happiness, sadness, and tension relief all rolled into one moment [or series of moments].
In many cases, its an act of letting go. Letting go of the past. Letting go of anger. Letting go of something you have no power to change. It's release.
Sometimes it takes the form of ripping up old photographs. Other times its burning love letters. Recently it was deleted someone from my phone and all the photographs of us from Facebook.
It might seem like such a small and perhaps even petty act in the grand scheme of things but there is something that shouldn't be messed with when it comes to emotions. You feel the way you feel, and there are times when it makes you feel good to be a little petty. Especially when it comes to an ex.
It was a cathartic act. It was release. You shouldn't begrudge me for that; for wanting to let go of the past in order to be emotionally free for the future.
In many cases, its an act of letting go. Letting go of the past. Letting go of anger. Letting go of something you have no power to change. It's release.
Sometimes it takes the form of ripping up old photographs. Other times its burning love letters. Recently it was deleted someone from my phone and all the photographs of us from Facebook.
It might seem like such a small and perhaps even petty act in the grand scheme of things but there is something that shouldn't be messed with when it comes to emotions. You feel the way you feel, and there are times when it makes you feel good to be a little petty. Especially when it comes to an ex.
It was a cathartic act. It was release. You shouldn't begrudge me for that; for wanting to let go of the past in order to be emotionally free for the future.
The Art of PR
So I have come to the conclusion that Facebook, for some people, is a Public Relations stunt.
It is a forum for where they get to post these amazing things about themselves and their lives. A place where they have their very own brag book of "Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" A place where the other siblings attempt to scream out for the world to notice them since being overshadowed by the youngest (or oldest) sibling for their whole life.
These PR stunts are not constricted to boastful statuses and photos. No, the emo, wrist cutting statuses are screaming out the same PR agenda to the Facebook world.
Some of these Facebookers write disparaging comments about thier significant others. No one wants to read about how your boyfriend went out tonight and that you're pissed when he wasn't home when you were. No one really cares about that sort of drama, except for other girls, who do the same thing. The fact is, the rest of us are judging you. I get it, you need to vent. That's what a text or phone call to a bestie is for.
I'm not saying don't put stuff out there for the world to see. Most of you I'm sure can think of someone on your friends list who you wish would stop posting __________. It's the excessiveness of their use of Facebook for PR purposes that irritates me.
They put their foot forward of who they want the virtual world to see them as. However, it might be in stark contrast to who they are in the real world. Just be real. It will seriously do the world a lot more good.
It is a forum for where they get to post these amazing things about themselves and their lives. A place where they have their very own brag book of "Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" A place where the other siblings attempt to scream out for the world to notice them since being overshadowed by the youngest (or oldest) sibling for their whole life.
These PR stunts are not constricted to boastful statuses and photos. No, the emo, wrist cutting statuses are screaming out the same PR agenda to the Facebook world.
Some of these Facebookers write disparaging comments about thier significant others. No one wants to read about how your boyfriend went out tonight and that you're pissed when he wasn't home when you were. No one really cares about that sort of drama, except for other girls, who do the same thing. The fact is, the rest of us are judging you. I get it, you need to vent. That's what a text or phone call to a bestie is for.
I'm not saying don't put stuff out there for the world to see. Most of you I'm sure can think of someone on your friends list who you wish would stop posting __________. It's the excessiveness of their use of Facebook for PR purposes that irritates me.
They put their foot forward of who they want the virtual world to see them as. However, it might be in stark contrast to who they are in the real world. Just be real. It will seriously do the world a lot more good.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Dislike Button Needed
First off I want to say that I am happy for couples who get engaged and married, especially my close friends. I am happy for those people who find that person in their life and want to grow old together. I am not a bitter single girl.
However, I do find it slightly annoying when you update the rest of the Facebook world with every little detail of your nuptial planning. Now I am not saying, don't post pictures together with your betrothed, nor am I saying don't put up loving status. If you're truely happy and feel blessed, put it out there. Scream it from a rooftop if you want. If it's all sincere, I have no problem with human emoition.
What I am griping about are the stupid, insignificant status updates that you post in order to scream to the world, "Look at me, I am so happy! I am getting my happy ending! Be jealous of me!" These girls create a world where they are the celebrity star! It's terribly annoying to find on my news feed.
Maybe you think I am bring judgemental, jealous, or bitter. I assure you, I'm not, but you can judge for yourself. Read these and lemme know what your initial reactions are.
"Watching my hubby eat his ice cream"-- Seriously?! You felt the need to update the world with that? I'll alert the media right away. This is breaking news...just like when Jessica Simpson lost her puppy.
"It's going to be SO hard waiting for our wedding bands to be made! They're absolutely stunning."-- It's December. You aren't getting married until May. Pretty sure, Emily Post would frown upon you wearing them before the big day as it is.
"Ugh, planning the wedding is hard work. Anyone know a wedding planner I can hire to do this stuff for me?"--Granted, getting all the details and plans finalized takes time, but really, isn't it supposed to be about the person you're spending your life with, rather than the details on china, the menu, the tablecloths, etc. No one will probably notice anyway...
It's times like these where I wish there was a "dislike" button on Facebook.
[And feel free to 'dislike' this entry. I encourage critical feedback.]
However, I do find it slightly annoying when you update the rest of the Facebook world with every little detail of your nuptial planning. Now I am not saying, don't post pictures together with your betrothed, nor am I saying don't put up loving status. If you're truely happy and feel blessed, put it out there. Scream it from a rooftop if you want. If it's all sincere, I have no problem with human emoition.
What I am griping about are the stupid, insignificant status updates that you post in order to scream to the world, "Look at me, I am so happy! I am getting my happy ending! Be jealous of me!" These girls create a world where they are the celebrity star! It's terribly annoying to find on my news feed.
Maybe you think I am bring judgemental, jealous, or bitter. I assure you, I'm not, but you can judge for yourself. Read these and lemme know what your initial reactions are.
"Watching my hubby eat his ice cream"-- Seriously?! You felt the need to update the world with that? I'll alert the media right away. This is breaking news...just like when Jessica Simpson lost her puppy.
"It's going to be SO hard waiting for our wedding bands to be made! They're absolutely stunning."-- It's December. You aren't getting married until May. Pretty sure, Emily Post would frown upon you wearing them before the big day as it is.
"Ugh, planning the wedding is hard work. Anyone know a wedding planner I can hire to do this stuff for me?"--Granted, getting all the details and plans finalized takes time, but really, isn't it supposed to be about the person you're spending your life with, rather than the details on china, the menu, the tablecloths, etc. No one will probably notice anyway...
It's times like these where I wish there was a "dislike" button on Facebook.
[And feel free to 'dislike' this entry. I encourage critical feedback.]
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
All Righty, Cupid!
My friend Dani lives and works in a big east coast city. Working crazy long hours in the city and not really knowing many people in the area has made it difficult to meet men, let alone get to go on a date with a man. As a way to meet men, she joined, what we like to call "the virtual bar" of online dating. There are cute guys, weirdo, creepers, and just plain nice guys who just want to meet a sane, normal woman.
At the virtual bar she has become acquainted with all sorts of men. Up until recently she has had a rather pleasant experience at the bar. Creepers were at a minimum. However, lately, she wonders whether or not the full moon is out, because the weirdness is coming out of the woodwork!
One potential noticed that she spoke another language. He then proceeded to write her nearly a page long message in Hungarian. While on the phone, explaining this situation to me, she exclaimed, "What if I write him a message in ancient Egyptian because I notice that he is of Egyptian decent. Here is some ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics for you honey! You're ancestors can read them, don't worry!"
At the virtual bar, the server asks you what age range you want your potential dates to fall between. Dani's limit is 31. She received a message from a man that started out... "I know I'm a little older than your range is..." So Dani, trying to keep an open mind, thinking she could probably date someone who was about 35. Nope. He was 52 years old. A little older?!?! Sorry, grandpa, but you should probably move your butt over to eHarmony before you dieeeeeee!
While these two are examples of amusing dating antidotes, there are also the more sinister and Jersey Shore-like offerings that are made during what appears at first to be a normal conversation.
One potential date started talking about football with her. The conversation then turned to what he thought about her looks. He thought she was really good looking...but he didn't stop there with the compliments. He then proceeded to compliment her body in detail, admitting what he liked about each tiny facet of her body...and that he'd hit that. Had they been dating and knew each other better, maybe this could have been laughed off or even served as foreplay. However, this was the first time they were meeting. The worse part was that he didn't understand that she wasn't being a prude about the situation, but rather was just trying to be a respected woman.
The second potential flop was a similar scenario. She was talking with this guy about how she liked working out, going to the gym, and doing yoga. He too enjoyed going to the gym. Great something in common------------Screeeeccch. "So if you're into fitness, can you "fit" my d*** in your mouth?" Excuse me?!?! Are you kidding me? The worse part was he tried to apologize over and over again for it, saying sometimes he says the wrong things, but he had always wanted to use that line before. Sorry, bud, but you aren't 16, you should be socially aware that it would be inappropriate to use that sort of "line" the first time you talk to a woman.
So, needless to say Dani is starting to get a little frustrated. She isn't looking to find Prince Charming today, tomorrow, or even next week...but she would like a decent, caring man to spend some of her time with. However, after some experiences like this, Dani looks up to the sky and screams, "all righty, Cupid, where is Prince Charming? I fold!"
At the virtual bar she has become acquainted with all sorts of men. Up until recently she has had a rather pleasant experience at the bar. Creepers were at a minimum. However, lately, she wonders whether or not the full moon is out, because the weirdness is coming out of the woodwork!
One potential noticed that she spoke another language. He then proceeded to write her nearly a page long message in Hungarian. While on the phone, explaining this situation to me, she exclaimed, "What if I write him a message in ancient Egyptian because I notice that he is of Egyptian decent. Here is some ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics for you honey! You're ancestors can read them, don't worry!"
At the virtual bar, the server asks you what age range you want your potential dates to fall between. Dani's limit is 31. She received a message from a man that started out... "I know I'm a little older than your range is..." So Dani, trying to keep an open mind, thinking she could probably date someone who was about 35. Nope. He was 52 years old. A little older?!?! Sorry, grandpa, but you should probably move your butt over to eHarmony before you dieeeeeee!
While these two are examples of amusing dating antidotes, there are also the more sinister and Jersey Shore-like offerings that are made during what appears at first to be a normal conversation.
One potential date started talking about football with her. The conversation then turned to what he thought about her looks. He thought she was really good looking...but he didn't stop there with the compliments. He then proceeded to compliment her body in detail, admitting what he liked about each tiny facet of her body...and that he'd hit that. Had they been dating and knew each other better, maybe this could have been laughed off or even served as foreplay. However, this was the first time they were meeting. The worse part was that he didn't understand that she wasn't being a prude about the situation, but rather was just trying to be a respected woman.
The second potential flop was a similar scenario. She was talking with this guy about how she liked working out, going to the gym, and doing yoga. He too enjoyed going to the gym. Great something in common------------Screeeeccch. "So if you're into fitness, can you "fit" my d*** in your mouth?" Excuse me?!?! Are you kidding me? The worse part was he tried to apologize over and over again for it, saying sometimes he says the wrong things, but he had always wanted to use that line before. Sorry, bud, but you aren't 16, you should be socially aware that it would be inappropriate to use that sort of "line" the first time you talk to a woman.
So, needless to say Dani is starting to get a little frustrated. She isn't looking to find Prince Charming today, tomorrow, or even next week...but she would like a decent, caring man to spend some of her time with. However, after some experiences like this, Dani looks up to the sky and screams, "all righty, Cupid, where is Prince Charming? I fold!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)