Crazy Girl

I wish there was a way to make things better the way my mom did when I had a boo-boo when I was a kid. I wish I could just fix things that I do wrong by giving that person a kiss and saying, "all better!" Sometimes I do stupid things because I care and sometimes I do stupid things because I am terrified to end up in the same place I was before.

Sometimes I am crazy. I am one of those girls who enjoys giving her affection to the man she is dating. I want to see him. I want to spend time with him and I want to talk to him. That is one way that I show my love and affection.  There have been occasions where I start psyching myself out and I start acting crazy around a boyfriend.  I interpret what they're doing as them pushing me away. I forget to stop and think about the other things he is doing to pull me closer and show me he cares and I only focus on the pushing. When I hear "I need space," I take it personally. I wonder what I did wrong to make him want more time away from me.  I begin acting like there is something missing inside of me that keeps a man interested in me and what I have to say.

I'm used to being pushed away.  When I was younger, my grandpa lived with my family and I. No matter what I did to try to please him, to try to make him stay, he didn't want to be with us. He wanted to die. He wanted to leave this world. I wasn't enough to make him stay around.  My dad also pushed me away. When I was young he always told me how we would build my car together and how we would do this and that when I was older. But then I started becoming a teenager.  My dad didn't know what to do with me, so he pushed me away. He didn't have me come out to the barn anymore to help with things.  He used my brothers instead.

And I think I've done it. I pulled the crazy card and I scared my boyfriend, possibly into breaking up with me.  I wish there was a way to fix it, to make it better. To kiss away what I did the way my mother kissed away a "boo-boo." I wish there was a coconut that could fall on his head like in that one commercial that would make him forget what happened this afternoon.  I wish I could take what I did back. I know that I was upset about work and needed someone to be there for me- all I thought of was me. I didn't listen to him and what he needed. I wish I could take it back. I wish there was a cure-all for the crazy thing I did.  Unfortunately, there isn't. Unfortunately, all I can do is wait. All I can do is sit back, try to calm my nerves, and allow him to make his decision about his "crazy girlfriend." And all I can say is, I'm sorry.