Love The One You're With

I have just finished book number 1 of L.G's 24 year goals of reading at least 5 chick-lit books.  This is the 3rd book I've read by Emily Giffin, Love The One You're With.

I do like these books. They are easy to read, interesting stories about women at crossroads in their personal and professional life.  The ending always seems to turn out just right for these ladies after having inner conflict and confusion. 

What I don't like about Giffin or her books, is their comparison to Jane Austen and Pride & Prejudice.  Jane Austen's works are classics. Despite the language they are timeless. They are real character development. Austen see through to her characters souls, and as a reader, so do you.  

While Giffin is a good writer, I only see into the main characters' soul...if I'm lucky. If you're looking for chick-lit that is like a chick-flick, read Giffin. You won't be disappointed. Just don't read her if you are looking for Jane Austen.

The Book

I have long since been a disciple of The Book.  It is what my girl friends and I reverently refer He's Just Not That Into You to as. I used to consult it and pour over it every time I started talking to a boy in order try to decipher what he really meant, and if he was into me. 

However with the new year I have some new perspective. I do not need a book to tell me what my gut is already telling me. I should be trusting my instincts, rather than consulting a book that doesn't acutely describe the situation I find myself in. 

I do think the book is a helpful. It can help a girl stay grounded while she treads through Limbo land...but it isn't concrete. And when you do think it is concrete about a guy, it should also mean that you just found one of those guys who didn't have the balls to tell you how he really felt. Who wants one of those guys anyways?! Let him go on his way. He can find some other girl to try to sort through all his B.S.

Which I think that's what The Book helps you see. The bull that guys who don't have the guts or decency to really tell you what is really up. And girl, you don't want to waste anytime on those guys. Because you won't be that into them either.

Bombarded with Advice

Going through Barnes & Nobles yesterday I stumbled upon a realization as I walked into the "Relationship" section of the store.  What was the realization?! That all these books are telling us how we are supposed to play the dating game; how we are supposed to act in order to land a man; who is going to be our Mr. Right. I even picked up one of these books [Why Men Loves Bitches to be exact, because Kim always tells me I need to read it].

What I also realized is that even within one book there is conflicting information.  Moreover, many of these guidelines that are floating out there in "relationship-wanted" space differ from how I would view you are supposed to treat someone once you are in a relationship.  Is it really that difficult? Do we really need this much guidance? Should we really analyze and scrutinize every moment, word, gesture, and deed that occurs when you are just starting to date someone?

Simply, I don't think it is all so necessary.

While I definitely think some of the points made in the books are valid and should be something that both men and women follow when they are dating someone, I also feel like these things shouldn't only occur at the outset of dating.

For instance, having your own life and your own hobbies is a valid thing to come from these books. Its important to stress to women to create their own identity and keep it; before, during, and after a man comes into their life.  This I have not always done, I will admit. But I have definitely gotten much better at it as I have gotten older.  It's even caused a breakup. 

Treating an asshole the way he deserves to be treated, ditto. Give him hell if the situation warrants it and never talk to him again!

However, the advice that tells you not to be nice to the guy you are seeing- to be a bitch to him, I really don't think it is going to make men like you anymore. Yea, maybe not be a doormat, but if the guy asks you to pick something up on your way over, are you being taken advantage of if you do it, or are you simply being yourself and doing a kind gesture for someone you like? [I think the latter.] If it was a girlfriend that asked you to do this favor, no one would have a problem with it, but when it comes to a man, apparently the rules [in some books] are completely flip-flopped.  [Yet if you notice in the article about the 5 secrets, one of the "secrets" is to treat your man as though he was a friend...see no consensus.]

Perhaps this is just my justification. What do I know?! I'm single, so apparently something isn't working perfectly.  I am nice to the guy I am seeing.  I'm a kind person in general, but I guess I am a bit nicer to the guy I'm seeing.  Or at the very least I try to make it obvious that he is getting treated a little differently then how I treat some random guy on the street that I'm not spending my time with.  I don't [typically, but have on occasion] do anything for him that I wouldn't do for a friend.  According to Why Men Love Bitches, I am failing on some aspects, but passing in others. 

Oi vie! As Scarlett O'Hara gripped, "Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?"

My Bible

I have tried in my life to become closer with God. I was raised Lutheran, went to church, Sunday school, and all that jazz growing up. However I've never been able to really entrench myself in having complete faith in God. I was never able to turn to the Bible for help or guidance when I was going through a rough time-- including Basic Training. If there ever was a time when I was seeking extra strength and perseverance it was then. Yet, I couldn't find what I was looking for.  I've bought and tried to read The Purpose Driven Life. But I can't relate to it. I feel like a fake reading it. 

I feel that I need to understand the here and now. Eternity, I don't have to try to understand. I get it. It's going to be more love and joy that I've ever experienced. I don't have to worry about that. What I do need to concern myself with, at least I feel, is making sense and making calm with the here and now.

So my "Bible" has become Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love. She doesn't have all the answers. And I don't go to her, looking to find the answers or solutions to my problems. But I read this book over and over again because she makes me feel like I am not alone in my search for more. She makes me feel as though I am not the only "normal" person who has all these different facets of her personality, who can go through 500 emotions in one day, and still live a "normal" life. Reading this book, I am not alone. I have her words, her struggles, her thoughts and emotions that mirror many of mine to find solace in. 

I keep her book on the table beside my bed. There are underlined passages. I pick it up and turn to certain parts when I need something to comfort me.  I don't read the book cover to cover. I just read it now for what I need. 

Gilbert talks about so many different things in this book. Love, friendships, understanding your relationships, divorce, breaking up, searching for God in any form, seeking balance, not being able to shut off her mind, family, work, culture, traveling the world, prayer...

For me, it is easier to relate to Eat Pray Love than it is the Bible. Yes, they encompass many of the same areas, but Gilbert writes about it in a way that makes sense to me.  Her words touch my heart. Her words about God and prayer touch my heart.

So maybe I am sacrilegious.  Maybe I shouldn't say that Eat Pray Love is my Bible. But I don't know what else to call it.

Like Gilbert I firmly believe that God dwells within you, as you. I have a close relationship with God.  We talk. He knows me [I'm still trying to fully understand myself]. And if it were truly necessary for me to find the solace and guidance I need in order to understand myself and the world I live in within the text of His Book, then I think He would bless me with that ability. However, He hasn't [yet?].  Instead, I feel He is blessing me by allowing me to find it through the words of someone else.

As Gilbert writes, "...If God wanted me to be a shy girl with thick, dark hair, He would have made me that way, but He didn't. Useful, then, might be to accept how I was made and embody myself fully therein." (192)

Sorbet

I don't know if any of ya'll have ever read The Between Boyfriends Book by Cindy Chupack, but it is an amusing collection of essays about that time between boyfriend A & B [see: Take It]. In one of her essays, Chupack talks about the "Sexual Sorbet," who is a guy that you sleep with after a breakup...in order to cleanse your palate.

Her argument is that you need to put some distance between yourself and your failed realtionship. Now, hopefully none of you are appalled or shocked by this entry yet. I mean, let's face it, men do it...and we shouldn't be all virginal about the whole concept either. 

Now, neither Chupack or I am advocating sleeping around.  First off, protect yourself and be smart about this. Second, there is always old standbys that many women keep around for when they are lonely [fact of life, people, just move on, and accept this entry!].  Use one of them if the prospect of putting another notch in your bed post makes you cringe. 

And this isn't a means to enter into a relationship either. No, no, that's rebound and we are self-aware women and we know that we are not ready for that yet, emotionally. This is stickly a cleanser. Sorbet. Like one of those crazy cleanser-fasting diets that women go on to clean out the system.  That's all we are talking about here.

You need to put some distance between you and your ex. You need it, believe me. I'm not saying it has to happen that very night. I am simply saying that when you think you are ready to cleanse the palate, when you are ready to leave that taste in your mouth behind, get some sorbet!

Sorbet is better than Listerine...trust me.

Resting Place

It's been two months since Maj and I broke off our engagement. When we have spoken since it has been nasty, cold, and unlike our previous relationship in all respects.  I have wanted to tell him so many things since; say that I am sorry that I hurt him, say that I'll always love him and hope that his future is bright, ask for forgiveness, and hear him say that he forgives me and believes me now.

But a conversation with him is completely out of the question. Not only for him, but I don't want to actually converse because I know it will make me upset.  I have been wishing for a meeting with him so that we could say those things listed above to one another. I have been wishing for peace. I have been wishing for an opportunity where I could tell him what I was really feeling without him making me feel worse.

Well, I got my opportunity this morning. I had a dream. In my dream we conversed, apologized, and said our goodbyes to one another.

Have you ever read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert? In her 2nd section of her journey she is in India and she explains how she had wanted a similar meeting with her ex-husband. "How do the survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished business?" she asks(p. 186). Gilbert continues on to tell her readers that, she found the answer within herself.  For the purpose of her "meeting" with her ex she meditates and on a rooftop in India he meets her for their farewell event.  We "were just two cool blue souls who already understood everything (p. 187)."  On a rooftop in India is where she found a place where the "unfinished bleak hallow sadness" of her divorce and relationship with her ex could come to rest (p.187).  

For Maj and I, the rooftop was my dream. 

His friend McCoy brought us together, in Fayetteville, at a kitchen table in a living room.  Maj and I both sat nervously at the table together. He was dressed in a red flannel shirt as he sat there [which is only relevant because in a dream I had when he was deployed we were sitting at a kitchen table and he was dressed in a red flannel- that he has never actually worn!- laughing and joking].  Maj was scrolling through the TV selection, rambling on and on about nothing, as I sat starring at my lap.  I didn't want to look at him. I had hurt him just as much as he had hurt me. 

Then somehow, we were talking. We were forgiving one another. We told each other that we were sorry that we had hurt the other. Maj and I said we wished things hadn't hone the way they did. Then, we were embracing one another, wishing each other luck. I told him that I hoped he was always safe when he was deployed because I never wanted anything bad to happen to him.  He told me that he hoped I was published one day. In fact, he said I better get published one day.  We told one another that we would always love one another. We were thankful for the time we had together. That we'd always share a piece of our heart with the other.

I woke up and cried for the very first time in a few weeks. It felt good. I know that the entire scenario wasn't real, but it was my subconscious relinquishing me from blame, regret, guilt, and a good deal of my sadness.

And since I'll never get that face to face meeting with him, I'll take the subconscious' gift of release. 

Last One Down the Aisle Wins

Yes, I went there. I went to Barnes & Nobles and went to the Relationship section. Yes, I went there. I bought a book. But it is a really good book. It's titled: Last One Down the Aisle Wins by Shannon Fox and Celeste Liversidge. It is about the "10 keys to a fabulous single life now and an even better marriage later." It is aimed at women in their 20s, demonstrating that their 20s are not a time to wait- for a man, marriage, better job, for life to really start happening.  It is about taking time to become the best, strongest whole person you can be-- at least that's what the back cover says.

Anyways, here are Fox & Liversidge's 10 Keys....

1. Get a connected life by investing in friendships
2. Get a peaceful family life and make peace with your difficult family dynamics
3. Get a fulfilling work life and figure out what you want to be when you grow up
4. Get a smart financial life and take charge of your money
5. Get an emotionally stable life and manage your emotions
6. Get a self-accepting life and appreciate your body
7. Get an independent life and establish yourself away from your parents
8. Get a spiritual life and clarify your beliefs
9. Get a sexy life and honor your sexuality
10. Get an exciting life and pursue adventure

It actually is a pretty decent book, filled with quizzes and assessments. Like Cosmo, only less sex-obsessed and more self-focused.

Uncle Fredrick

I have dealt with many types of heartbreak since the age of 15.  I have had the serious boyfriends who gave me pretty rings. I have had the guys I was crazy about, but didn't warrant such affection. The ones I was ambivalent about. Those who stroked my ego, only to break every fiber of it down when they left. Boyfriends who said hurtful things. The ones who never called back.  The guys who tried to breakup in the least hurtful way.

During my junior year of college I suffered from one of the most crushing of breakups. It took a long time to sort out and it had me ignoring my pride and asking for help.  After many tearful sessions and weeks of barely eating, I came up with a way to help reestablish my confidence.

Quotes.

They were quotes from breakup books, songs, and my favorite heroines. While it may seem obvious that everything happens for a reason, when faced with low confidence, seemingly perpetual sadness, and the on campus/on Facebook sightings of my ex, I needed all the reinforcement I could get.  I placed them all over my desk. I put a "Feel Beautiful" magazine cut out beside my mirror.  I surrounded myself with my favorite books, to help remind me what made me special and unique. 

A pine tree cutout that is covered in compliments from my sisters that is taped to my mirror.  I have a quote from Eat Pray Love on the wall beside my bed.  FEARLESS is written in bold letters on my shelf. I have a saying from Jillian Harris, the Bachelorette who I heavily identified with ["You have to slay a few dragons before you find your Prince"].

My favorite however is a quote from Portrait in Sepia, by Isabelle Allende.  The protagonist's name is Aurora del Valle.  She goes through a terrible heartbreak during her marriage, yet does love again, after she has taken time to heal. 

"Life is long, Aurora.  At this moment everything looks black, but time heals and erases nearly all things. This stage is like walking blindly through a tunnel; it seems to you there is no way, but I promise there is. Keep going, child."

I will keep going as Uncle Fredrick as advised.