My Version of Happy

I am guilty of being jealous. Honestly, I am typically jealous of something or someone at least once every single day. Sometimes it is another girl, sometimes it's someone's past, sometimes it's someone's new opportunity that I love love to have.  As much as I try to not be jealous, to think about the good things in my own life, I struggle.

However, today, as I was rearranging things in my room at my parents' house I stumbled upon perhaps the truth and core of my jealousy.  I'm jealous of how another person's life LOOKS...but do I realize how my own looks?

It's tough to look at your own life objectively; to stare at it through another person's eyes because you are so personally connected to the innermost workings in your own life.

Just because I don't have what someone else has, is that bad? Does it mean my own life is not worthy or celebration, joy, or praise?

As I stand on the cusp of my quarter-life crisis, I wonder...do I really need those things that I am jealous of? Do I need those things to be happy?  Other women might, but do I?

Would an engagement make me happy? Would buying a house make me happy? Would having my dream job make me happy? Would having that new Jeep Wrangler delight me [probably]?

I am certain that at some point in my life those things will come into my life to make me happy. They will arrive just when they need to.  But for right now, I don't need them.

What do I need? I need excitement, craziness, new experiences that differ from my friends/family, adventure, a stirring of new emotions, and a chance to do something I NEVER dreamed of doing up until a few months ago.  That's what I need right now to make me happy...and guess what?


I have those things. 

Dream Kitchen

Beehive Kitchenware

If you knew me growing up- including college- you would know that I never was one to be in the kitchen, learning how to cook from my momma. In fact, I avoided the kitchen at all costs. However somewhere during highschool, I started to fall in love with creating the ideas that would comprise of the kitchen of my dreams.

It was in highschool that I picked out my china pattern for my future kitchen. Colonial print- Weeping Willow, that was the exact same pattern my grandma had bought in a Barbie doll sized plate set for me before the age of 6.  In fact, the set of china is resting in my ceder chest, waiting for the day to be utilized! Then came the addition of pewter accents to the dream kitchen. 

And today, I have found something else that I wish to include...this pewter bird measuring spoon set/decor.  Bliss. Perfection. My Dream Kitchen. :)

It's a Crazy Town

Roll into town, step off the bus
Shake off the where you came from dust
Grab you guitar, walk down the street
Sign says Nashville, Tennessee
But I have found

It's a crazy town, full of neon dreams
Everybody plays, everybody sings
Hollywood with a touch of twang
To be a star you gotta bang, bang, bang

Bend those strings 'til the Hank comes out
Make all the drunk girls scream and shout
We love it, we hate it, we're all just trying to make it
In this crazy town -- Jason Aldean, "Crazy Town."

Last week I finally made it to Nashville! Now, unlike Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, and Dierks Bentley, I wasn't there looking to be a star. Kristen and I went down I-65S looking to have some fun on a Friday night down on Broadway.  And we did!

I loved Nashville instantly, as we rounded the corner of 3rd Ave to Broadway.  There, on both sides of the street were bars with a band playing in each one. I had reached bliss.  As Kristen and I tried to decide which one to go into first, I couldn't help but wonder if these were bars that some of my favorite country singers had performed at on a Friday night.

The street was alive and the bars were alive. They weren't terribly crowded, where you turned caustraphobic, but they weren't dead either. The bars we went into were a perfect blend of people. There were older people but also younger people. And what was blissfully pleasant was the absence of girls who were auditioning for the Jersey Shore. 

And I felt alive with the combination of some amazing bands playing live and the chance to dance! I've felt alive when it came to inimate live bands performing since my 15th birthday when I saw Seven Day Faith at the Hard Rock Cafe. I love how loud it is. I love how you feel as though you are part of a performer's experience and memory in those settings. Not only are they helping you to have a great time, but you're helping them have a great night as well. 

I could move to that crazy town and be a bartender at one of those places on Broadway and just be happy with life. Broadway would be my islands, without a doubt.


Becky McCloud at The Stage



Gym Time

I never used to like working out. I never had a gym membership. I never played "real" sports, except for one season of track...which I hated.  I used to hate running long distances, opting instead to sprint instead.

However, since last winter, I have started to enjoy running, and now that it is cold again in Western New York, going to the gym. It is my release. I run for a half an hour in the nice, temperate conditions of an indoor track. Then, as my reward, my dessert, I treat myself to the hot tub and steam room.

I've found that the sweating is cathartic. It helps me release my tension. In a way I feel like it releases all the bad toxins, the bad thoughts, the hurt, and stress of the day. I start the process with running and then I complete it, just to make sure all the day is out of me by relaxing in the heat of the eucalyptus stream room. I instantly feel better as I've released the day away during my daily gym time.

Gym time. My favorite time of day.

Oh the Places You'll Go

http://realestate.yahoo.com/promo/best-cities-to-move-to-in-america.html?ref=nf

I love where I grew up. I think that the Buffalo-Niagara region is a place that people don't seem to value as much as I think they should. Typically when I travel around the country and I tell them I'm from Buffalo they say one of two things: 1) Oh you get a lot of snow up there! 2) How 'bout them Bills?!

Yes, we do get a decent amount of snow. Yes, our region can get blasted with Lake Effect Snow from Lake Erie and Ontario. But unlike NYC or Albany or DC we are equipped to deal with it. That's why we don't call in the National Guard or declare a State of Emergency every winter. We have, obviously but we don't cry wolf. We cry, "seriously this is for real, get your asses mobilized!!!" And seriously, I'll take snow any day over hurricanes, tornadoes, massive floods, wildfires, and earthquakes.

Yes, the Buffalo Bills. While this season I have no real way of defending my home team, I can say this. The Bills invented the no-huddle offense. Doug Flutie, Bruce Smith, Thurman Thomas, Jim Kelly, OJ Simpson, Andre Reed-- Buffalo Bills players. Buffalo is one of the best stadiums to tailgate at...open containers are acceptable. We did also go to 4 Superbowls 4 consecutive years. Yes, we lost, but no other NFL team has gone in back to back to back to back years.  And in the local community, many Bills are present with fundraisers and charity events, like Brian Moorman for Children's Hospital. 

What else is so great about the Buffalo-Niagara region? Well I'll tell you.

1.The Falls. Have you ever gone to see it? Pictures are great, but there is nothing like the way you can feel so insignificant when standing besides the powerful waters.  Think about all the people who have seen this.  Can you imagine being a Native American and stumbling upon this magnificent and powerful setting? It is beautiful in every season too.

2. We have seasons! Spring, Summer, Fall, & Winter!! There is so many things to do and see during all of those!

3. There are at least 10 universities I can think of off the top of my head. Good schools too.

4. Festivals, Fairs, Ghost walks, museums, concerts at many different venues.  This is a great place for families. Lake Erie, Niagara River, Lake Ontario bring many options, as well.

5. Buffalo Night Life. Chippewa Street has so many bars and clubs. Different Buffalo districts play hosts to all different sorts of bars, lounges, and restaurants.

6. Anchor Bar and Duff's Wings have amazing chicken wings. Anchor Bar is where the "Buffalo Wing" was invented. By the way, they are called chicken wings here, not Buffalo wings. Speaking of food: Mighty Taco, Ted's, Tim Hortons... The staple of Loganberry beverage.

7. Canada is right there! Want to go to a foreign country? Get your passport, hop in the car, pay $3.25 toll, and you're in Canada. Pretty simple.

8. The people. For whatever reason people here in the Buffalo-Niagara region are very nice, very hospitable. Mr. Rodgers would be very proud at our region of good neighbors.

9. The region is so varied. There are obviously the cities of Buffalo and Niagara Falls, but there are also suburbs (Clarence, West Seneca, Amherst, Orchard Park...), as well as rural areas (Cambria, Newfane, Barker, Akron...) that have their own festivals and culture. As a result there is something for everyone and always something to do!

Just take mine & Yahoo! News Real Estates word for it, ok?

And P.S. I've been to Pittsburgh and many of my friends are from there. It is an awesome place to live too! Very similar to Buffalo-Niagara region.

Turner

Awhile back, I became friends with this Canadian guy, Turner.  It was after a breakup from a long distance relationship with a man who had meant more to me than my own life.  He took me out on the first date I had been on in months.  It was the simplest things that he did that made me like him; open a door, call me "dear," look at me intently when I was talking to him, buy my drinks and dinner, and make me laugh.

Turner could make me laugh as I never have before. I felt so simply happy with him.  I was content to do nothing with him, just sitting in his black Honda Civic after class, talking for an hour or so. But he also took me on some "Canadian adventures." We went hiking down these awesome trails on the Lower Niagara River.  We went to the locals-only bars that I had never seen before when I would frequent Canada before age 21.  We drove all around the city of Niagara Falls, Ontario and it was amazing to me because I lived right across the border from this city my entire life, but I didn't know any of this was there. 

I was daring with him.  I was completely flirtatious.  I would tease him mercilessly and he would just go with it, laughing at himself the entire time.  He said he liked it when I teased him.  He made silly faces, that were simply ridiculous. 

I don't know that I had ever felt like this before with a guy.  I felt exhilirated and comfortable all at the same time.  I opened up to him more than I had with my previous boyfriend.  With Turner, I was able to examine myself to my hearts content; something completely foreign to me.  I never had to adjust anything about myself around him.  Not one thing. 

The few weeks that I spent with Turner were unforgettable in the journey of self discovery.  I started to see things that I had never realized before about myself.  I never believed I was beautiful before. I never knew if I was interesting, or if men just listened to me in order to get laid.  We had fun everytime we were together. We went to the beach, we went hiking, we went to the lounge, we went out for dinner, we went to the bar, we hung out with friends, we just hung out at his house. Things I had been dreaming about doing with previous suitors who never seemed game to try or do all these things.  Turner and I were able to talk for hours about school, life, what we wanted to do; almost everything.  I was able to act tough around him, and he let me play that game, but he knew I wasn't. He would comfort me when I was upset.  He understood how I thought about nearly everything.  He thought I was amazing...and for once, he didn't change his mind about that.

Before I'm 30 List

People always refer to their Bucket List. The things in life they want to do before they die. Me, on the other hand, I'm a bit more ambitious. I want to have as many adventures and things crossed off my list by the time I'm 30. Why wait until I am old, have decaying bones, poor health, mortgage, possible spouse, children, grandchildren, and medical bills to worry about? More responsibility. The only things I have to worry about these days are my career, paying back student loans, and my car note. Just me. These are minimal in comparison. These are the days to conquer my list!

So my list:
1. Backpack/travel to England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, France, Germany, Italy (again), Greece, Denmark, Sweden, Russia, Mexico, Peru....Quebec....maybe a few others!
2. Get deployed to the Middle East.
3. Live overseas for at least 3 months.
4. Drive through all 48 continental United States.
5. Get published.
6. Research.
7. Join an alumna chapter & be involved.
8. Visit Nashville & see St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.
9. Go on an amazing vacation with my best friends.
10. Get tenure! (Wooo! Go me!)
11. Live in another state for at least a year.
12. Purchase a(nother) Jeep Wrangler.
13. Go deer hunting.
14. Make a palpable difference in a student's life.
15. Spoil my nephew and little cousins.
16. Take way too many pictures.
17. Fall in love (again).
18. Meet a celebrity. Preferably Luke Bryan.
19. Give back to Epsilon Iota & Allegheny College.
20. Visit NYC.
21. Throw my parent's an anniversary party.
22. Speak fluent Italian.

As for what I plan to do after I'm 30...well, I haven't really thought about it much.  I figure once I start crossing things off this list I'll think of more things I want to tackle. Let's face it, what I tackle, I conquer.

Ideas for the After I'm 30 List: jump out of an airplane; get married? maybe?; kids? maybe?; house? maybe? ehhh guess I'll figure that list out after this one is finished!

Bryanites

I find solace, inspiration, and my true emotions in music. The lyrics, the beat, the tempo, the instruments, the voice.  Certain songs pull on my heartstrings the way nothing else can. (Hence the "troubadours" part of the blog.) 

Less than a week ago I drove down to Georgia for a concert.  Now normally this wouldn't be a big deal, going to a concert. However, this concert, I HAD to go. I was attempting to find peace and happiness, while attempting not to feel heartache and sadness. I stumbled upon the answer, or what I thought was the answer, after class.  I was online and happened to go on the Luke Bryan website. There it was! My ticket to happiness-- 4 concerts in Georgia around the very same time I planned to visit my cousin in Atlanta.  DONE DEAL. I bought the ticket for the Thursday night concert in Carrollton, a town I had never been to before in my life, packed up my car, and made the estimated trip of 15hours 22minutes in 14hours.

Luke Bryan entered the stage around 9:30pm.  It was amazing. He came out fire blazing. The entire night was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  I felt alive again. I felt invigorated.  I felt like ME.  I felt whole.

Since the concert I have become more thoroughly obsessed with this country star. I haven't felt this way since I was in 5th grade, my room plastered with Backstreet Boys posters and fan club merchandise.  I was gushing and blushing as I retold Thursday nights events to Carina.  She laughed and said I was smitten. It was true! I was absolutely smitten with this image of Luke Bryan- his words, his smile, his boots, his jeans, his voice.  I guess its probably a more safer rebound relationship!

I think what I'm so smitten with is his way wording everything and the way it spoke to me in my desperate hour. I've seen him in concert before, which was amazing as well, but not in the way in which  it was this past Thursday. His last concert, the one I drove 14hours to see, was akin to a religious experience for me.  I felt passion, life, and contentment flowing through my veins. I felt safe, as though I could find protection from his lyrics of wisdom.

Yes, I realize how goofy all this sounds, and I promise I am a sane woman.  However, to take my smitten-ness further Carina and I have decided to become religious followers of Luke Bryan, calling ourselves Bryanites. We plan to make a statue in his likeness, take a pilgrimage to see him and hear his word, and celebrate him and his mantras with feast days. To add to the silliness I have organized some Bryanite mantras, in case you readers are interested in following the new found religious order.

1. Rain makes corn. Corn makes whiskey.

2. Wish this high noon Georgia sun could melt what's been done, make it disappear.

3. There's only one thing you can do. Don't worry about nothing. Let it go see what tomorrow brings. Don't worry about nothing. Pray about everything.

4. You're like a early morning Monday, bringing me down, messing with my mood.

5. Some folks aren't happy the way they are. Some just wanna take things just a little too far. I am just what I am. I'm just what you see. So I'll make it easy, I'll stay me.

6. You need hands, rough not soft, to come and warm you up in that cold hayloft. Let me hold you little darling, in my big strong arms, can't get these kind of muscles anywhere but a farm.

7. Love is blind. Fate don't care.

8. All I know is we went out and done it up right.

9.  Well I worked all week, so I could come here, and have a nice cold beer. But 1 turned to 10 and 10 turned to 20, and 20 plus an empty bottle is too damn many.

10. I ain't got a clue what went down, so I started calling around. And all my friends say...

Road Trips

When I was younger our family vacations started with a road trip; all 5 of us and our stuff piled up in our garnet and grey van.  When I was in high school I never went on the road trips that my cousin & I or my friends & I dreamed of finally being able to go on when we turned 16. But my sense of adventure, or rather, burning desire for adventure has never subsided.

I first started conducting my solo road trips when I was a freshman in college. I drove from Brockport to Allegheny nearly every other weekend to visit my high school boyfriend.  During the summer of my junior year I would travel to Pittsburgh to see a boyfriend.  Later in my senior year of college I drove to North Carolina to see Zach who was stationed in Fayetteville. 

I guess I started falling in love with driving.  I bought a new car that got better gas mileage so that it wouldn't cost so much.  I remembered the fun I would have as a kid, cruising along the road, seeing what was out there, listening to the radio (which is how I can sing along to all the Oldies songs my parents listen to). I was out there on the road by myself. I controlled my own destination.  I felt free.

There is something that makes me feel alive when I'm out there on the road. I love feeling the sun beat in through the windshield. I love the sound of the wind gushing through the open windows.  I love turning the radio up as loud as I can make it when I find a station with one of my favorites. I love the way I can scan the radio and hear a song that I haven't heard in awhile, years perhaps, that immediately puts a smile on my face. I love not having a GPS system guide me. Yes, I have the directions written down, but the way "going with your gut" when it comes to directions gives the instant gratification of strength and courage that nothing else has ever compared to in my life. I love stopping in new places to get gasoline.

I think that the road trips I have been on are a mirror of my life.  Obviously they are moments in my life, but more than that the road trip itself is a mirror of my inner being and situation.  I have had my share of boyfriends, but all for one trip, it has been a solo journey.    I have made wrong turns. I have stopped and asked for directions.  I have nearly run out of gasoline.  I have had the anxiety of whether or not I actually took the correct exit.  I have discovered a place I had only heard of in books.  I have taken pictures. I have seen battlefields. I have crossed over plains and rivers. I have felt alone and scared. I have journeyed through mountains. I have felt happy and exhilarated.  I am always the driver.  I am in control.  I look forward to the drive to my destination, but typically dread the return home. I have felt like a pioneer. 

For those reasons above, it only seemed appropriate that after my recent heartache I take a road trip. However, this was no ordinary breakup. This was not some boy I just needed to get over.  This was a man I thought I was going to spend forever with.  So, I decided I needed, my soul needed, my heart needed more than one road trip. 4 to be precise. In the span of 5 weeks. To help me, my soul, and my heart to move forward and forget the past with new, bright, and happy moments. 

Maybe then, I'll find peace. Or at least the start of it.