Hard to Handle

I went to my friend Kim's the other day. On her coffee table was a souvenir from a bachelorette party she had recently participated in. It was a hot pink Mardi Gras beaded necklace with a badge/sticker attached to it that read "Hard to Handle."  I laughed and told her that perfectly described her.

Dierks Bentley, one of my favorite country singers has a song entitled "Lot of Leavin' Left To Do." In this fabulous song is a line that cries, "I guess the Lord made me hard to handle/ So lovin' me might be a long shot gamble."

In many of our single days, Kim and I would tote around this song & lyric as a badge of honor. I'm far too hard for you to handle. You're not man enough. I'm too good for you.  It made us feel sexy and confident in our singlehood when we hit the bars.

However, it wasn't until one summer when it was used against me.  My ex-boyfriend Zach sent me a message, weeks after breaking up with me, that in sum said "you're too hard to handle." 

I was floored. I was too hard to handle?  How was that possible? I did everything I could to be a "good" girlfriend. I made dinner for him. I didn't pick fights over silly little things.  I didn't text or call constantly.  I thought I gave him enough space. How could he justify saying that to me?

I desperately sought to understand myself and how I was hard to handle. Break up, after break up, I find myself being told in some capacity that I am hard to handle. That something about me is difficult to handle....but what exactly about me is hard to handle?

That question still has yet to be answered in a capacity that an educated woman feels is adequate.  I get 3rd grade boy responses; boys who have yet to discover that a human being can think critically. "Because you are." "You just are, ok?"

Apparently a complete, complex thought and argument is too much for them to handle as well.  

If that is the case, then I will, once again, try to relish in my hard to handle-ness. I need a man who understands that my hard to handle-ness is a wonderful part of me; if it is even a true facet of my personality.