This Week

This week there has been a fundamental change in my emotions and outlook.  For weeks since the engagement and my relationship with Maj forever ended I walked around, feeling mangled and destroyed.  I knew I'd eventually be able to pull myself out of the depressed state, but during those weeks I didn't want to be pulled. I was trying to hang on to him and his memory because it was all I had left anymore. 

Yet this week I made powerful life decisions that brought me out of the darkness.  I was pulled to the surface this week.  And I did it all on my own. 

This week I had my physical fitness test.  I scored a 93%.  I completed 50 real push ups in 1 minute.  I felt strong and invincible. 

This week I realized I needed to be selfish, a trait I had diligently worked hard to push away since the start of my relationship with Maj.  I decided that self-sacrifice would not bring ultimate happiness to my future.  I needed to dig deep for what I really wanted in my life at the age of 23.  How did I want to see my future unfolding?  Moving south of the Mason Dixon line with Carina. Taking hold on my teaching career.  A deployment to Afghanistan. Researching and writing.  Visiting Bouton, Simpson, and Parrish in Europe. 

This week I returned the engagement ring and wedding bands.  Letting go of the past and my past dreams to make room for future dreams. 

This week I went to Barnes and Nobles. I bought books, like I normally do during a period of transformation in my life.  Books that would help guide me through the journey onward.  The Purpose Driven Life; Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert; Last One Down the Aisle Wins: 10 Keys to a Fabulous Single Life Now and an Even Better Marriage Later.

This week I went to school and volunteered at the Modified Football game.  Seeing students and being in a place where I feel needed has filled in the void of my desire to be needed by Maj. 

This week I realized that my life was not so different from what it had been.  Maj had been deployed, he was not around, so I had a separate life from him.  That meant I could continue with my life without feeling too much of a catastrophe. 

This week I decided to spend time in Georgia with my cousin.  I decided to take time for what was important to me.  A Luke Bryan concert. Oktoberfest.  Driving 15hours to Atlanta. 

This week I went back to Allegheny.  Back to the place where I was rejuvenated after my first real breakup; where I became part of something that had nothing to do with him and my past. Delta Delta Delta.

I feel strong. I feel powerful. I feel happy and content.  I feel like I am doing what is best for me, my health, and my happiness. 

Yes, it is true; I still have moments where I am sad.  However, I take those moments, seal them in an envelope, and send them up to the sky.  There they will stay, until the day I can fully face the feelings and memories with nostalgia, rather than sadness.