Cold Hard Fact

There comes a point in every woman's life where she comes to accept some very real and true cold hard facts about herself.  This morning, I accepted one very cold hard fact about myself: I am no longer in college and therefore can no longer drink like I am in college.


Yes, I am a woman. I am no longer that cute 22 year old Senior who can go out Wednesday night for $1 Long Islands, Thursday night for 25cent drafts, and dance on the speakers on Friday and Saturday night at Sportsgarden.  Nope, it's official. I am old and I have to learn to drink as though I am old.


Last night I went out with a sister from college and one of her co-workers.  We talked the big game about how we three Yankees were going to spend our first big night out in Atlanta looking to charm a new Southern gentlemen.  We were just going to be ourselves; what Southern man couldn't resist our blunt Northern "charm?"


Needlesstosay there were very few gentlemen who were charmed by our Yankee-ness. Or perhaps the mixing of beer, liquor, and jello shots created a night that I can not fully recall. Regardless of the male company we kept or lacked, last night was a very fun night with two women who I am glad live near me in the South.  Us Yankees need to stick together sometimes and I stumbled upon a very fun night.  


So cold hard facts.  When you're nearing 25, it's all right that you can no longer mix your alcohol like you are 21.  And it's also right to go out and just be you...even if at the end of the night you're going home with your girlfriends. 

Upcoming Nuptuals

My very favorite and dearest cousin is getting married! She and her fiance Ben got engaged in April and now the planning has begun!


 My cousin is about 7 months older than me so I was, at first, a little hesitant when she told me that Ben popped the question.  I was worried that in the midst of her "growing up" she and I would grow apart-- we've only started to grow closer as we've gotten older, seen each other more often (we lived 15 hours apart when we were younger), and I was really enjoying our friendship [especially since I was making plans to move south and would ultimately be much closer - distance wise- than we had been our entire lives]. 


Apparently she was a little concerned as well. Not so much that we might grow apart as she moved to a new and exciting stage in her life, but that she was talking about the wedding/marriage stuff too much.  Now, I am known to be cynical about weddings, love, marriage, and related jazz.  However, as I explained to my cousin, with her it was different.  I felt included in the journey to her new life, which is why I think I was so happy for her. I was reassured that I wasn't getting left behind. She asked me to be in the bridal party, she bounced ideas off of me about stuff for the wedding (which I loved to indulge in), she explained that I would be invited to many dinner parties at her new place with the hubby, and that she would try to find me a nice Southern gentleman from Atlanta.  


Yes, she was getting married, but her relationships [at least as far as I was concerned] were not going to change drastically. 


Since I felt included in her new life, I was welcoming when she wanted to talk about it. I know she is excited about the wedding; I understand that she is a little stressed about budgeting for the wedding; and I understand that she is nervous about getting married. She loves Ben very much and she doesn't want to end up divorced,  like her parents and our grandmother.  Who can blame her? I don't believe any of us want that and we all hope that that day never follows the "I dos."  


So this bridesmaid is not unwelcoming of wedding talk, shop, and activities. At this moment in time, at least for my cousin's wedding, L.G. is pro-marriage. 


Plus, my bridesmaid dress is hot. And I won't even need to shorten it in order to wear it again! ;-) [27 Dresses, anyone?!?]

I Got Over You

Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I felt if I was in way to deep, guess I let you get the best of me
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you ~Daughtry

If you have been reading along for the last few months you know that I went through a terrible, messy, and emotional breakup with Maj this September.  I was a mess, I'm not going to lie. I felt like I never was going to be able to feel happy or whole again. I felt like everything I had dreamt of, longed for, would always be out of reach.

However, I was able to heal. I feel whole again. I actually think I feel more whole now that I ever did when Maj and I were together. I am not sad. I don't miss him. I don't worry about what's happening in the world constantly. I feel like I can do whatever I want. I can make myself happy, without consulting a soul. 

Part of my healing process was certainly the many road trips I took this fall. Partly it was the concerts I went to and sung my heart out at.  Part of it was putting my heart into school and learning all I could about how to create effective learning experiences for students.  I wanted nothing more than to feel needed by a student.  Part of it was spending countless hours with my best friends, laughing, crying, griping about men, and sharing my experiences with them.  Part of it was trying to date again so that I didn't end up hating men. 

But there was one night, one night I thought I would never get through. One night where I could not shake the lonely feeling that brewed inside of me, despite being surrounded by people all night long.

And that is when I called LT.  It was 2am and I have no idea what possessed me to choose him out of all the guy friends I have, but I did. After talking to him on the phone until about 7am, I finally felt happy. The night I thought I'd never get through, I did with LT's help. However, LT has no idea that the night I called him was the night I thought I'd never get through. He could tell I was upset about something and when I told him I didn't want to talk about it, he was all right with it. He didn't pressure me to open up about it.

Then next morning, I felt so much better. I don't know what kind of salve LT put on my wounded heart, but it felt so much better. In the following few days I came to the revelation that it was over. That I was over Maj.  I didn't talk about him, I didn't think about him, I didn't care about him. I had had my experience with him, wished perhaps I had used a little better judgment when it came to our whole relationship, but it was over and I was over the saddness and the emotional baggage. 

A Recruitment Story

It's that time of year again on the Allegheny College campus-- RECRUITMENT!!! A week of events, major planning throughout much of winter break, skits, singing, cheering, matching outfits, talking & getting to know new women. 

Stress levels can run high. You want the right women for your sorority.  Women that will believe and be true to the values and the ideas set forth by the sorority way back in the late 1800s.

For me, when I was in college, I loved the planning behind recruitment.  For one whole week it was sorority-sorority-sorority over everything else in my life. And I loved it. I loved the late nights of staying in the suite to set up for the next round of parties. The chats with women I will never forget as we created table covers for Philanthropy Round, chair covers for Preference Round.

I liked brushing our feathers and showing to young women what we had to offer them, what we stood for, and who we were as individuals. It is a magical thing when you see all the stress, blood, sweat, and tears you put into creating the perfect night for these prospective women. It all pays off when the women walk in and their eyes light up and they no longer look afraid. When they feel comfortable and you can tell they can imagine themselves being part of this organization full time. 

The best part? Handing them a pearl, telling them the story of the girl who was lost in the woods, who dropped her pearl into a pool of water and watched the ripples spread away from the center. As the women leave, hushed singing in the background, they are told to make a wish on the pearl and drop it in our "pool" of water.  This is one of the only times I wished I was a fairy godmother and could make every single one of those women's wishes come true. It was in that moment I didn't care which sorority those women wanted to call home. All I wished for was the ability to get them to where they knew they could call home. 

Wingman

I used to think I was strong enough to handle things on my own. I used to think I could deal with all my issues and emotions on my own. I didn't need to burden my friends with asking them for help.  I never used to ask for help.

But this year I have learned and started to recognize how awesome it is when you have someone out there to watch your back. 

One of the first examples of it, that I really noticed was during my littlest brother's wrestling tournament.  Vic and Brian have been best friends since they were in first grade together.  They play football and wrestle together for our high school.  They take care of each other. If you've ever been to a wrestling tournament with a dozen different schools, with at least 4 mats for matches, you know how chaotic the atmosphere is.  Yet through it all, Vic and Brian have each other's back.  Vic will stand behind the coaches and watch Brian's matches.  He will grab Brian's iPod, Gatorade, and shirt that he threw down before the match started and bring it to him.  Brian does the same thing for him. It has always been like that between the two of them during wrestling season.  They are the only two on the team that I see do this so diligently.  They are attuned to each other's needs.

I experienced it for myself when I was at Basic Training.  D'Aprile was my bunk mate and from the very first day we were starting to watch each other's backs. Honestly, at BMT two heads and eyes were better than one. You got your stuff together more efficiently. You got in trouble less because you and your stuff was squared away.  This was most closely seen when our first locker inspection occurred and both of us received demerits for the same way we rolled our tan t-shirts. There was no way I was going to let her fall, and she wasn't going to let me.

I think it's important to have one person in your life that is your Wingman, battle buddy. Even though you don't use them all the time and for every crisis, you know that if you need them, they have your back. It's an inexplicable bond that you can't fully understand until it happens to you.  In a way, I think they come into your life when you are in desperate need of them.  And once they are in your life, they won't ever leave. 

Ex-Girlfriends

One thing I have always been insecure and anxious about are ex-girlfriends. I have never been able to be comfortable with the idea that my boyfriend is friends with his ex.

Now, in a perfect world, that does sounds great, right? They couldn't work it out romantically, but the bond was still there and its strictly platonic.  Hell, there have been time I'd have killed to be friends with my exes.  Well, some of them anyhow. 

But the truth is, I don't talk to any of the guys who were my serious boyfriends.  In fact, I only talk to one guy that I ever even dated and its not on a regular basis.  Even when I want to be friends with them, they don't want to be friends with me.  So that's why I feel I am partially anxious about the whole relationship. 

I mean, where, when, and how do you separate the fact that you used to sleep with this person and love this person, and now you are just able to talk to them as though they were always the girl next door who you used to pull pranks with?! How do you do it? From personal experience I think it might be easier to separate Siamese twins that are conjoined at the skull with a dental pick.  That sounds much easier than being friends with an ex!

Another part of why it is so hard for me to wrap my head around the whole concept and be ok with it is my insecurities. As women we are nearly trained to view other women as threats. And I see this woman as a threat. She has slept with my boyfriend. She knows intimate details about him. She has memories with him. It would be like Lee and McClellan being bffs at West Point before the Battle of Bull Run.  They know all these secrets and weaknesses about each other. 

Wouldn't it sometimes be easier to deal with the comfort of an ex than deal with the newness of a new girlfriend? Moreover, how does the family see you versus her? Do they like her better? Do they wish you were her? Or his friends. Did they like her better because she'd always bring them beer on poker nights? 

I know that these are insecure thoughts, but I also know I am not alone in feeling this way about a boyfriend being friends with his exes.  Women worry that they aren't good enough.  And having a boyfriend chat up his ex in the most friendliest of manners, definitely can make you feel as though you might not be able to ever measure up.  It's not like she is the ex he never talks to and you know you are much better than.

Nope, you're just sitting there, biting at your nails, wondering how it all works.  And contemplating about those Siamese twins.

Zero-Sum Game

When you are in a relationship, you are aware that it might end. You might grow apart, find someone else, simply fall out of love. But a friendship isn’t a zero-sum game, and as such, you assume that its will last forever, especially an old friendship. You take its permanence for granted, which might be the very thing so dear about it.”-- Something Borrowed

I've had my share of relationships that have ended. But the worst relationships that end are the ones who that I've had with girl friends. Like it says above, you never imagine it will end. They are your friends, you plan on always having one another's back, and being in one another's life.  You don't foresee ever "breaking up," especially when they have been part of so many memories and important times in your life.

But then there is a fight you get into. Words that shouldn't be said are.  Feelings are hurt. And forgiveness doesn't come easily from either side. 

I got into a fight with my two best friends two days before I graduated from college. I ended up not taking any photos after the ceremony. I just wanted to get out of that town.

What did we fight about? Good question, and after being out of college for 2 years I don't have a real answer to that anymore. I know the subject that surrounded the fight, but I don't remember what words or arguments were exchanged anymore.

I didn't talk to either of them until this past April, when Carina called truce. We admitted we had both been stupid and told each other there had been so many times when we wished we could have told the other some piece of news.  But we had been stupid and let this fight get in the way of our friendship.

Cait was harder to reach. She was much more stubborn than Carina and I.  I figured she'd go to her grave hating me from the taste of the fight that night. But it changed when we saw each other at Homecoming this year. We were both prepared, and knew that the other was going to be hanging out with our group of friends. But it was good. We actually were able to forgive one another and bond over new heart stresses. Neither one of us know if we will ever be as close as we once were. I'd like to be, but I know it will take time if that's to happen. 

Bottom line, friendships are just as fragile as a relationship. There is more malleability but they definitely can fall on the floor, crack or be completely broken. From the awful fight that was brought to Cait, Carina, and I, I have learned to take my friendships more seriously and treat them with as much love and kindness as I would a relationship.  In fact, they probably should receive a little more, because like it says you are aware it might end.

The Beauty of Fall

I love fall. It is my favorite season. There are the beautiful leaves and colors. There are "Back to School" specials at the stores.  There is Thanksgiving, turkey, and cranberry sauce. Pilgrims. Indians. Halloween.  The crunchy noise leaves make when you step on them. Pumpkins & corn stalks. Mazes in corn fields. Ghost walks. Fashionable European scarves & cowboy boot weather. Tailgating with some beers and great friends. Oh, yea...and that amazing sport we call American Football. Boys in tight pants & shoulder pads? Yup, that's my kind of stud!!

But no matter how amazing football can be (and it definitely is!), my absolute favorite thing about the season is: Allegheny College Homecoming.  Which is exactly where I was this past weekend. I revisited my old undergraduate place of 3 wonderful and meaningful years, spent time with friends that mean more than words can properly express, and tailgated for the football game! 

Basically, it was a perfect fall day... 

Is There an App for That?

Grief. Sadness. Crying. Indifference. Defiance. Contempt. Independence. Happiness. Freedom. Loneliness. Ambivalence. These are just some of the emotions I have been feeling in the last month as I have put forth in my effort for my heart to forget Maj. It has not been easy. After roughly 2 full weeks of crying, crippling depression, and just mangled feelings in general, I was able to, for the past 2 weeks start breathing again. I have started to see the signs of my full acceptance of what has occurred.  I have started to believe in the positive things in my life, rather than focusing on this negative.  I have felt very happy; felt alive even. 

Despite these positive emotions I have been having I also have my moments of sadness. I can't say it is even just a singular moment where tears fall from my eyes. Mostly it feels like a headache does...it is there, you notice it, but still you have to trudge along and not pay it much heed.  It is a constant emotion that I simply can not shake. There are times when it is not present at all; like when I was front row at the Luke Bryan concert last week. But then there are times when I know its there, I let myself feel terribly sad for a moment, but rather than have it disappear, the sting of sadness? regret? longing? love unrequited? remains. 

After other breakups I would see something or think of a memory and immediately start bawling.  Once I had calmed down and the crying ceased, I felt better. I was able to cry out my frustration and feelings then.  This time around though, I can't seem to be able to fall back on my normal remedy to fix my heart. 

So here I ask, in this world of technology, where everything seems to have a quick solution...Is there an app for that? Is there an app for moving on? Is there a special formula I should follow in order to see results?  Is there a guide to the galaxy of a broken heart?

I've enlisted advice from some of my closest friends.  All weekend I asked my cousin how she was able to move on from her previous long term relationship.  Carina always helps me whenever I send her a message stating my disapproval of how I am handling the situation.  The truth is, I don't know how to handle this! I don't feel like myself! I feel so much more mature than I have in past breakups.  While this should be a good thing, I simply don't understand how a mature woman deals with such heartache.  Why aren't I crying? Why am I able to feel so happy so soon after? How can I still miss him? How can I believe things happen for a reason? Why am I not crying all the time?

Charlotte York says that it takes half as long to move on from a past relationship as you were in it (meaning: 1 year relationship, 6 months of grief before fully moving on).  Laura says it just takes time, but that I will be able to fully recover.  Carina says there is no set place or stage that I should be in at this time. "As long as you're doing the best that you know how to do, you're fine! You're making strides and I'm so proud of you!"  Elizabeth Gilbert once drove into a new relationship, another time she took a year hiatus to Italy, India, and Bali. Carrie Bradshaw starts dating again sometimes, others she dyes her hair and redecorates her apartment.  Hayden suggests just getting back in there and playing the game with new boys.

So again I ask for a simpler solution: Is there an app for that?

Is recovering from heartache an individual process? Or can it/should it follow some sort of established protocol in order receive the fullest results?  Is there a right and wrong way to move through the termination of a relationship?

Soul Mates

Maybe our girlfriends are our SOUL MATES and guys are just people to have fun with. --Sex and the City ♥

My recent breakup has had me really thinking about my friends. Not just the women I talk with, but my true, deep friendships that I formed in college with some of the most amazing, strong, inspiring, and supportive women I have ever met. This recent string of heartbreaking events has given me a new appreciation of their love and warmth, as well as given me the push to ask for help from them when I really need it (even though we are all separated by hundreds of miles).

Alisha has been one of my very best friends since Preference Night when we were seeking a spot in the newest sorority on Allegheny's campus.  I have a multitude of photographs of her and I from Bid Day, already best friends, joined at the hip.  I instantly felt comfortable around her; she knew who she was and she wasn't afraid to show it. I accepted her for exactly who she was. I was awe-struck by her. I was still learning who I really was. I was trying to carve out a separate identity for myself that semester.  Alisha definitely helped me on my journey to do so.  We had each other's shoulder to cry on over our high school loves.  Those tears helped to seal our friendship forever.

Carina and I became very close friends during my senior year of college.  We had met in Tri Delta the previous semester and grew closer and closer with the time we spent together. I supported her events in the sorority; growing close in sisterly solidarity that both of us lacked in our biological life.  She became my sister through and through. Carina has always made me feel as though I was worth it; that I should be an advocate for myself. She has always helped to believe in me, even when I was blinded by the hurtful things that had been said to me.  She encouraged me to eat. She encouraged my creativity.  She was like sunshine on a rainy day.  In return, I have tried to help her remain in the loop as she works crazy hours in Manhattan.  I have tried to help her remain grounded and hopeful. 

Theresa and I grew closer and closer as my time at Allegheny drew to a close.  I had met her through Tri Delta and I knew that I desperately wanted to be her friend. She was so much fun. She laughed and was a joy to be around. It was always eventful with Theresa. But she was also serious. She worried. She cared about things working out.  I saw so many things of myself within Theresa; I think that is why I became best friends with her.  It was a similar reflection of myself, similar problems and issues, and I wanted to reassure her that everything would work out, even if that detailed plan wasn't drawn up yet.  Maybe I said that to her because I wanted to believe the same thing for my own ideas and plans.  Or maybe I told her that because it was the truth and I was still grappling with accepting it as such.  I always tried to show my undying support for her. To lead by example, that changing your mind frequently really wasn't detrimental to life. 

Kristen and I started out as going-out friends during the last semester of my senior year.  But how could you not love Kristen? She was down to earth, gentle, humble, gracious, and I thought perfect. She represented many of the qualities I wanted to have more of in my life.  Kristen is like a warm hug.  She comforts, uses endearments, and genuinely cares about her friends.  I always tried to have as big of a heart as her.  I have always tried to love her back completely.  I think she is such a brave and smart woman. She isn't (too) afraid to follow her heart and dreams.

Audra is my newest best friend. In fact, Audra and I were not friends in college. We became friends during Kristen and Theresa's senior year when I would visit them.  When I started to hang out with Audra and the rest of the girls I thought to myself, why were we not friends in college?!?! We would have had a ball!!!  It was through Audra that I saw what was really part of my deepest friendships:  No judgement.  We loved each other, but we did not judge one another's actions.  We were reflections of the truth, but harsh words of judgement about our actions or characters were never part of the friendship role we lived in. 

It was also through Audra that I realized that friendship did not know a distance.  It really didn't matter how long it had been since we last spoke or saw one another. We had each other's back. We shared in one another's hopes, dreams, and aspirations. We would be a constant in each other's lives. 

Why are they my soul mates? Because they have helped shape me. Helped peel back the layers to allow me to understand my true self better. The girl that I used to know back in middle school, who got swallowed up in high school, and who was trying to figure it all out in college.  And the woman, now, who is still learning more about herself every day. Impressing herself everyday with her fortitude, optimism, and spirit.  I can only hope that I am helping them do the very same thing. 

"You haven’t found the right man, but I'll love you forever! So you found the right friends at least."

This is why my best friends Alisha, Carina, Theresa, Kristen, and Audra are my soul mates.