Emotional Cripple

I'll be honest. I spent the last six months dating a guy who I thought would eventually turn around and realize what a catch I was.  However, my fairy tale didn't turn out as planned. In fact, it turned out as opposite as I planned. I turned around and realized that I didn't need to continue dating him.  


There are guys who you meet and who you will become involved with where you know that they have been hurt in the past in one fashion or another.  You, are the fiesty, hard-headed, Protestant American, with a "go-forth" attitude in trying to make something with this guy because of your connection. However, there is a wall that is preventing the two of you from getting together.  


It is not that your connection is wrong or that the two of you couldn't be right for one another, but the challenge is in the line in the sand that the guy makes in a self-defense manner.  He doesn't want to get hurt again so it is easier to be emotionally crippled; to not deal with the emotions and the pain again, the drama he calls it. You try to understand, try to be sympthetic and wait until he comes around and is so engrossed by your strength and beauty and drive that it forces him out of the shell he has crammed his emotions into.  


But the fact is no matter how great you are or caring in the attempt to demonstrate that you're not like the one who hurt him, that you are in fact going to be there and care for him, you can't.  You can't crack his shell no matter what you do.  It has to come from himself.  He has to want his shell to come open and try again.  If he is not willing to lay his heart open, even with caution, then there is nothing you can do to make him do it.  


So leave it be. Let him lay with himself, with his lack of emotion and his inability to feel.  Because you can feel and you feel how much it truly is hurting you. You can feel the neglect. You can feel the void. 


Eventually if a relationship is what you are searching for but are unable to obtain it from your emotional cripple, you need to walk away.  It is better to make the decision to walk away from a man's indecision and unemotional attachment to you.  Rather than allowing weeks of dating to turn into months, or years, waiting for him to wake up and notice what is at his side, walk away.  


Truthfully, he might never wake up, no matter how great and understanding you are. You have to walk away for you. You are a feeling human being and you need to spend your time on someone who is willing to put his heart next to yours.  Sure it still might not bring you happily ever after with the next guy but you won't be waiting for the emotional cripple to explain to you that he is never coming around to be with you. 


Get out while you can and find a man who has a past, accepts it, and wants a chance to link his heart with yours.

It Has To Be Great

This afternoon I attended my cousin Saucy's bridal shower up in Duluth.  It was a fun, new experience for me. None of my close friends have gotten engaged yet, so Saucy is the first of my wedding experiences as a grown woman.

While at the shower I was introduced to her future mother-in-law. She was a wonderful woman who was so nice to me instantly when I explained to her that I was in the Air Force.  She apparently has a very close friend who is a commander at one of the bases in Iowa. Anyways, apparently I came across to this Southern woman as a "lovely" girl [see Yankees do have charm!].

After the opening of the presents and posing for photographs, my Aunt J asked me what I thought about all the wedding hoopla and chaos- insinuating if I would one day like it too.  I replied that it seemed fun, and that yes, maybe one day; but first I actually need the man!  Well Saucy's future MIL overheard and was shocked that I didn't have a boyfriend.  "You're really not dating anyone? You're darling." Nope. Single Gal.

She then turned to me and said, "The best piece of advice I ever received from my mother was: 'if you're dating and it's not great...then it's never going to be great.'"  The future MIL continued: "Think about it. You want it to be great during the initial dating stages because eventually you will become more comfortable with one another, and you'll relax on the way you interact together.  But if it's not something you are enjoying or happy with from the beginning, it is never going to get any better the longer you are together."

Such a simple word of advice: "It has to be great in the beginning. If it's not, then get out."

Why had I never heard that before? It seems to me that in today's world, women are told that if a man acts like this, or like that, then you should take one course of action or another [He's Just Not That Into You, for instance].  But this was different. This wasn't a woman looking for signs or action, instead this came from the woman herself.

It translates to: If you don't feel like you are getting love and affection that satisfies your needs early on, honey it ain't never gonna happen.  So dump the fool. You need to make yourself happy by having a relationship you think is great from the start.


So ladies, please take note. I know I did. I thought about it all the way on the drive home.  Is your relationship at the beginning stages? Are you happy? Are your love/affection needs being met? That's the great thing about this piece of advice: it depends on you. You are the key. You are the person evaluating your own needs and assessing whether or not they are being met.  Empowering to say the least.

Cold Hard Fact

There comes a point in every woman's life where she comes to accept some very real and true cold hard facts about herself.  This morning, I accepted one very cold hard fact about myself: I am no longer in college and therefore can no longer drink like I am in college.


Yes, I am a woman. I am no longer that cute 22 year old Senior who can go out Wednesday night for $1 Long Islands, Thursday night for 25cent drafts, and dance on the speakers on Friday and Saturday night at Sportsgarden.  Nope, it's official. I am old and I have to learn to drink as though I am old.


Last night I went out with a sister from college and one of her co-workers.  We talked the big game about how we three Yankees were going to spend our first big night out in Atlanta looking to charm a new Southern gentlemen.  We were just going to be ourselves; what Southern man couldn't resist our blunt Northern "charm?"


Needlesstosay there were very few gentlemen who were charmed by our Yankee-ness. Or perhaps the mixing of beer, liquor, and jello shots created a night that I can not fully recall. Regardless of the male company we kept or lacked, last night was a very fun night with two women who I am glad live near me in the South.  Us Yankees need to stick together sometimes and I stumbled upon a very fun night.  


So cold hard facts.  When you're nearing 25, it's all right that you can no longer mix your alcohol like you are 21.  And it's also right to go out and just be you...even if at the end of the night you're going home with your girlfriends. 

My Grandfather's Lesson

A month ago, my grandfather died. He was one of my most favorite persons in my life.  There are very few times in my life that I ever remember him being mad at me. My grandfather adored me; and I adored him back.  He was very proud of me, always bragging about my going to college down in "Alleghenia" as he called it.

I admired him: my Papa had been born in Italy during the Great Depression, he had been in the Italian army before WWII broke out, and then was forced to continue serving during the war.  He left Italy, seeing it as a place where there were limited opportunities.  After receiving a letter from relatives in Canada, he traveled by boat from Naples to Hailifax, Nova Scotia, with, as he told me, $10 in his pocket.  Most of that money was gone by the time he paid for train passage and food to Niagara Falls, Ontario.  He worked at the Gerber Baby Food factory and met my grandmother at a dance.  In 1960 he, my grandmother, mother, and uncle moved to the states and took up residence in Niagara Falls, New York.  He and my grandmother traveled- to California, to Atlantic City, to my great-uncle's cottage up on Lake George.  At 65, 6 months after I was born, he retired from the Brick Layer's Union and with my grandmother took care of me most days while my mother was at work. 

He liked to give me phases of advice, such as: "You gotta marry the President's son" and "You gotta go to college, you can't wash the dishes."  Quite the forward feminist thinker, yet conservative mindset my grandfather had there.  He told me some stories about growing up in Italy and some about the war- never the ones I asked about, however.  The war stories were minimal and usually full of jokes.  As though it was a time he had blocked out of his memory.  I however, I wanted to know as much as I could. I wanted to know in what battles my grandfather had been engaged in.  Yet, I never will know the answer to those questions now. 

He told me of loss. The loss of his cousin/best friend during the war.  When I came to him with a broken heart over a boy, he made it seem like he understood- always telling me that there is someone better out there. Many other boys.  That it would happen for me.  [I just wish he could have seen it come true.]

So many conversations; so many afternoons spent in the summer sun or in the front room;  Chauffering him to Canada to see his sister; Getting him something to drink; Hearing him call me "dollie."

I learned so much from him. I didn't think I was like him at all (except for maybe my temper at times), but as he was lying in the hospital this past March, barely saying a word, I realized that I was very much like him. 

I saw that there was nothing for me where I had grown up.  Yes, Western New York was a great place to live; just like Rome had been for him, but there wasn't anything there for me.  The only thing that was keeping me there was my family and I was an adult now and needed to make my own way.  A different way. 

While his leaving and journey were probably more leaps of faith than mine were, the reason behind the leap was the same: the chance at a better life for myself and my future.  I like to imagine the life I'm forging here in Georgia will be the place where I meet my future husband and have my children...I wonder if my grandfather thought the same way about being in Canada.

And hopefully, just like my grandfather, the leap of faith, the chance I am taking so far away from home will bring me a greater and more grander life than I could only dream of when I was living in Western New York. 

One Year Later

They always say, you never know what can happen. You never know where your life will take you.  This year/ the past 2 years, those sentiments are ringing true.

June 1, 2010- I was a week into taking my first semester of classes for my Master of Science in Secondary Education.  I was going to be a teacher. Or at least...that was the plan.  I was still a little unsure that this was what I wanted to do.  I wasn't sure I would be a good teacher.

June 1, 2010- I was back to living with my family as I attended grad school.

June 1, 2010- Maj and I were dating. I was on the cusp of deciding that I didn't want to move down to North Carolina to be with him in September. This is where the hardcore fighting began. 

** One Year Later**

I feel like, if this were a movie, there would be this great instrumental number in the background. The scene would fade to black with the writing, centered at the bottom of the screen, telling the audience that a year has passed since those aforementioned scenes occurred.  Sending the subliminal message that much has changed in the main character's path.

June 1, 2011- 11 days ago I graduated from the Masters program.  Today, I received notification from the state that my application for Teacher Certification has been accepted.  I am legally certified to be a professional teacher.  I can now get paid to do what I thoroughly enjoy! (Just have to find that job!)

June 1, 2011- 10 days ago I moved from my parent's house to an apartment in Georgia.  If you've read any of my blog posts from last fall you might notice that I fell in love with this place back in late September- early October when I came to see a Luke Bryan concert and visit with my cousin.  I knew then that this was where I wanted to start the next phase in my life.  So here I am! Trying to start that next phase!! Trying to shape my dreams into reality!

June 1, 2011- Maj and the drama is a distant memory. I feel like a completely different woman- mostly because I am.  I won't settle. I won't let someone put down my dreams and goals. I don't want someone who just wants me to be with them and not strive for my own personal satisfactions in life.  The girl I was back in June 2010 has left the room.  She has grown up. She knows what she wants. She is doing the best she can at getting it and she only wants people in her life who are supportive and loving.

So what has the main character learned from all this, besides, "a lot can happen in a year?" A lot can happen in a year only if you listen to your heart, go with your gut, and JUMP. Life is about taking chances.  Life can't change in a year if chances aren't taken. 

Right Where I am Meant to Be

And when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see that you never were the best for me ~Daughtry

I have now become a true believer in "everything happens for a reason."  Why you ask? Because finally, when the front door was slammed shut in my face, I ended up right where I know I am meant to be. 

If I had gotten married this past October, I would not be student teaching now. I wouldn't have this calm happiness that spills out of my pores. 

Am I stressed? A little. Am I busy? Most certainly. But do I feel nervous, do I feel out of place, or do I feel uneasy? Negative. Not one bit.

I feel like I am doing exactly what I was put here in this world to do.  I am so happy. I am confident (most moments of the day, anyway).  And I wouldn't be in this place if that door wasn't slammed in my face.  Other doors have opened up for me, the doors that are directing me to where I am supposed to be and to the woman I am meant to be. 

Even though it is what I wanted, it's not what was best for me. I am definitely seeing that now, thankfully.

I Got Over You

Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I felt if I was in way to deep, guess I let you get the best of me
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you ~Daughtry

If you have been reading along for the last few months you know that I went through a terrible, messy, and emotional breakup with Maj this September.  I was a mess, I'm not going to lie. I felt like I never was going to be able to feel happy or whole again. I felt like everything I had dreamt of, longed for, would always be out of reach.

However, I was able to heal. I feel whole again. I actually think I feel more whole now that I ever did when Maj and I were together. I am not sad. I don't miss him. I don't worry about what's happening in the world constantly. I feel like I can do whatever I want. I can make myself happy, without consulting a soul. 

Part of my healing process was certainly the many road trips I took this fall. Partly it was the concerts I went to and sung my heart out at.  Part of it was putting my heart into school and learning all I could about how to create effective learning experiences for students.  I wanted nothing more than to feel needed by a student.  Part of it was spending countless hours with my best friends, laughing, crying, griping about men, and sharing my experiences with them.  Part of it was trying to date again so that I didn't end up hating men. 

But there was one night, one night I thought I would never get through. One night where I could not shake the lonely feeling that brewed inside of me, despite being surrounded by people all night long.

And that is when I called LT.  It was 2am and I have no idea what possessed me to choose him out of all the guy friends I have, but I did. After talking to him on the phone until about 7am, I finally felt happy. The night I thought I'd never get through, I did with LT's help. However, LT has no idea that the night I called him was the night I thought I'd never get through. He could tell I was upset about something and when I told him I didn't want to talk about it, he was all right with it. He didn't pressure me to open up about it.

Then next morning, I felt so much better. I don't know what kind of salve LT put on my wounded heart, but it felt so much better. In the following few days I came to the revelation that it was over. That I was over Maj.  I didn't talk about him, I didn't think about him, I didn't care about him. I had had my experience with him, wished perhaps I had used a little better judgment when it came to our whole relationship, but it was over and I was over the saddness and the emotional baggage. 

Clean Slate



Kate Spade

  In keeping with it being January, I found this pretty white bangle from Kate Spade. Engraved on the inside are the words "Clean Slate."

Have you ever wanted a clean slate with someone or something? Was it after you embarrassed yourself? Or after you said something you really didn't mean?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say to someone that you wanted to start over? That you wanted to begin again. Forget all the mistakes, the fights, the hurtful words?

Perhaps you're only able to get a true clean slate when you start anew with someone else. After you've forgiven yourself. 

Signs

Do you believe in signs? Things that happen in your life that tell you what you need to do? Or what path you need to jump onto before its too late?

I had one such sign. It was September 1, 2010. I was walking down the street outside of the hospital to go visit my grandpa. As I was crossing the street I heard this little boy's voice yell from a car, "Ms. G." I turned and looked. I couldn't believe it, but it was Marquillis, one of the students I had during the summer literacy camp. I shouted and waved back at him, as he and his mother sat in their car before the light turned green. 

I had just come from the education office at my graduate school to tell them that I would not be starting classes in the fall semester.  I was getting married & Maj wanted me to move down to North Carolina to be with him. 

But as Marquillis drove away, I couldn't help but think that perhaps I had made a huge mistake.  If it had been any other student, it might not have registered that I could possibly be on the verge of messing up my future. 

The reason Marquillis quelled this fear inside of me was the fact that I had earned his trust and friendship throughout the course of the summer camp.  I became one of his favorite teachers after the lesson I taught where I let the students dress up in a piece of my military uniform.  The boys seemed to agree that Ms. G was pretty cool now that they knew I worked on airplanes. Marquillis even sat with me the one day during gym time while the other students were in the pool. He talked my ear off about all sorts of different things and gave me two of his coveted silly bands that were all the rage with my middle school students.

Perhaps seeing Marquillis on that day was a sign that I should be a teacher. That being a teacher and connecting with students was my real calling or mission in life. That I shouldn't give that up for some boy.

I'm not sure if Marquillis was a sign or not, but the thought of that moment certainly helped me to stand up to Maj and to not back down as he was arguing with me on the phone the following day.  Although Maj ultimately did the official pulling of the plug [and truly did hurt me] I did not back down to him the way I previously had on most things.  I stood my ground and that is what ultimately caused him to end it. 

All through the fall semester I kept thinking back to Marquillis. He had given me the strength I needed. He gave me the confidence I needed. I hope that somewhere during summer camp I was able to give him these things as well. 

I still have the silly bands he gave to me.  They are wrapped around my parking brake in my car, always a reminder that I am a teacher and that I should be one. Marquillis saw it in me & I need to see it in myself.

A Fresh Start

Ah yes, its January.  And that means I have been avoiding the gym for the past week due to the fact that so many people make it their New Years Resolution to get back into shape, get healthier...which means my machine is constantly occupied.

However, I went back today, and it made me think about how wonderful it is to have a fresh start.  A fresh start to me, means whipping the slate clean. Erasing the mistakes you've made; perhaps some nasty things that you've done or said; learning from the past and vowing not do have a do over.

The great thing about fresh starts...they don't only come around once a year. They can come around whenever you deem them necessary for you to have a happy, full life. 

Fresh starts can come around on January 1.  They can occur after a messy-breakup-healing process is complete. A fresh start can begin on Tuesday...simply because you weren't ready on Monday.  It can happen when you move to a new city.  When you start a new job. When you attend a new school.

Possibilities of when a fresh start can occur are endless. And I think that is what is so refreshing about them.  There is no "date" they have to occur.  They can happen simply because you've decided you need a fresh start. 

A Year In Review

Well 2010 sure has been an interesting year for me! It has many ups and down, many fond memories, many challenges, many new undertakings, many instances I'd like to forget. However rather than focus on the good, bad, or ugly of the year, I want to focus on what I have learned.  Hopefully some of the knowledge I've learned, about myself and about people will stick and I'll be able to build upon it in 2011.

1. I learned that I like to feel needed. In fact, I feed off of this feeling. I never realized it before, but I think that is why I have long searched for a boyfriend in which I can feel I am a majorly important asset in their life.  This is also, now why I think teaching is probably going to be a great profession for me.  Who needs someone in their life more than middle-high school students? Who needs someone who they feel can relate to them, but offer some guidance based on their age (and the wisdom that accompanies that)? I have felt so happy when I am at school and I see that the students (even if it is just one of them) needs me in some capacity. 

2. I have learned that I am strong. Emotionally and physically. The physical part is pretty surprising since I'm only 5'1" and weigh less than 115 pounds. But I am tough.  I mean, I'm no guy, but I am strong for my stature.  Emotionally, I'd have to thank two experiences this past year: Basic & Maj's deployment.  I've learned how to handle my emotions better- not perfectly, just better. I've learned how to be strong, not let people's comments always bother me. "Brush it off and move on" is the best piece of advice my MTI ever gave me. 

3. I am more self-less than I thought I was. I enjoy making people happy. I love traveling to see my friends because I know it means a lot to them. 

4. I really am superstitious about certain things! But that my superstitions are my way of my gut trying to send a message to me. 

5. Stress = L.G. L.G. = stress. That's what I do. I stress about things that are important to me. I stress about things I have put a lot of time, energy, dedication, and have been working towards.  If someone can't accept that about me, that that is what I do, then they shouldn't try to date me. I mean who really wants to see that after years of hard work and steadfastness that your dreams don't actually come to fruition. Well, I guess someone who isn't as driven as me...moving on!

6. I learned that sometimes stress isn't necessary. Some things in life should be stressed about, but others should not. That paper for that grad class is only worth 10 points, get it done and hand it in. Don't stress about something that doesn't reflect your whole student persona (or whole persona in general). Prioritize the stress.

7. I realized that I am the definition of multi-faceted.  I have an interesting story. I have varied interests. I am not just the girl next door. I am the girl next door who loves be front row at a Luke Bryan concert, who loves to travel, who loves to write, who loves to see new places and experience new things, who likes be different from every other girl, who can do 50 push ups in 60 seconds, who likes to weld and bake.  Yeah, that's who I am. I'm all over the spectrum.  I am what I call the jack-of-all-personality-traits.  I am not boring. I am not a stock character. I'm all over the spectrum- and I love that about myself.

8. Canadians and Americans are very different people. We are similar, but we are very different. So anyone who claims that Canada is "little America" or the "51st state," needs to check themselves and hang out with some Canadians...for like 6 months...in grad school. You will learn how different we are.

I know there are more. But that's the major things I have learned this year. Think about all that you have done this year...what can you realize about yourself from those events and feelings in the past year. 

New Years isn't just a time of setting new goals for the new year. It should be about looking at the past, so maybe it doesn't continue to repeat itself, and so that you can learn something about yourself. 

Happy New Year!

Take It

I've learned that as I age, it is not emotionally healthy for a woman to enter into a rebound relationship; to trade her feelings for one man, and give them to another.  I've learned that not only is it not nice to the new guy, but it is not very nice to yourself. Yes, you are hurt after a relationship, but giving your affection to a new one, isn't something the Surgeon General would suggest. 

So how long before a break up do you start getting back in the saddle or sitting on the bench so that the coach will put you back in the game? Well, it depends. It depends on how the previous relationship ended. It depends on how long the two of you were together. It depends on how serious your feelings were and how serious your lives were intertwined.  In other words, I've learned that while Charlotte may have claimed to shed some light on the subject ["It takes half as long as you were dating a man to get over him."], that might not always be the case. 

It is something that each woman needs to feel out. When does the sight of pictures or thoughts of this previous suitor not make you cry? When do you feel like yourself again? When do you feel whole, not battered and bruised?

It might be difficult for many women to judge just how far along they have come in the moving on game in order to shy away from rebound.  My suggestion? After you've taken a few weeks to yourself, go on a few dates. Meet some new guys. Consciously tell yourself to not get attached. I don't care if you tell yourself every minute of the day that you just want to focus on your career in order for you not to become attached to dates 1, 2, or 3. You'll be able to tell at the very least after 3 dates how far you have progressed (assuming you are somewhat self-aware to begin with). 

However, let me lay down the law. Unless you dated the guy a month or less, 2 weeks is not enough time that you aren't trading your feelings in.  Even if you were in an abusive relationship, 2 weeks is not enough. You need time to heal yourself, even if you aren't upset about the void of that certain man in your life.

Take it from a girl who never wanted any time between relationship A & B...take it. It is seriously the best thing in the world. I realize it now that I've had time to experience it.

Take a breath. Being on your own can feel amazing. Yes, its lonely.  However, you have friends, and inform them that you will be using them to full capacity in the next few weeks, but that you will gladly reciprocate if that comes to pass on their end in the future.  Do things for you. Treat yourself to dessert, a movie, a weekend getaway, all your guilty pleasures.

During this time think about you. Who you are, who you want to be, what you need to change or could improve on. Not what you did wrong, but just things you would like to see manifest differently in your next relationship.  Self-awareness and self-evaluation are key. Reflection is a good thing.  

I promise you, only good things can come of not jumping into being called "girlfriend" again.

Silence Now

I am not the type of girl who has regrets about something she didn't say to someone. In fact, I am typically the opposite. Usually, I regret saying too much. Regret keeping the conversation going, when it probably already should have ended or when it never should have been started in the first place.

You see, as a writer, I feel the need to explain. Explain how I'm feeling, explain the facts, explain the different sides to an argument. My entire upbringing in my discipline has been to explain, to add detail, and to make a thesis or central argument. 

In relationships, I tend to do that as well. When discussing things, I tend to add too much detail. In arguments I tend to get angry when the other side isn't explaining and has resigned to minimal words in a sentence.

If I could learn how to do anything in this world, or perhaps just in this coming year, it would be to silence myself. To not ask for further explanation. To be at peace with the one that I am given, even if it doesn't make any sense and I really could use a further, in-depth look at the statement. No matter how much it is killing me not to have it explained any further.