I'll be honest. I spent the last six months dating a guy who I thought would eventually turn around and realize what a catch I was. However, my fairy tale didn't turn out as planned. In fact, it turned out as opposite as I planned. I turned around and realized that I didn't need to continue dating him.
There are guys who you meet and who you will become involved with where you know that they have been hurt in the past in one fashion or another. You, are the fiesty, hard-headed, Protestant American, with a "go-forth" attitude in trying to make something with this guy because of your connection. However, there is a wall that is preventing the two of you from getting together.
It is not that your connection is wrong or that the two of you couldn't be right for one another, but the challenge is in the line in the sand that the guy makes in a self-defense manner. He doesn't want to get hurt again so it is easier to be emotionally crippled; to not deal with the emotions and the pain again, the drama he calls it. You try to understand, try to be sympthetic and wait until he comes around and is so engrossed by your strength and beauty and drive that it forces him out of the shell he has crammed his emotions into.
But the fact is no matter how great you are or caring in the attempt to demonstrate that you're not like the one who hurt him, that you are in fact going to be there and care for him, you can't. You can't crack his shell no matter what you do. It has to come from himself. He has to want his shell to come open and try again. If he is not willing to lay his heart open, even with caution, then there is nothing you can do to make him do it.
So leave it be. Let him lay with himself, with his lack of emotion and his inability to feel. Because you can feel and you feel how much it truly is hurting you. You can feel the neglect. You can feel the void.
Eventually if a relationship is what you are searching for but are unable to obtain it from your emotional cripple, you need to walk away. It is better to make the decision to walk away from a man's indecision and unemotional attachment to you. Rather than allowing weeks of dating to turn into months, or years, waiting for him to wake up and notice what is at his side, walk away.
Truthfully, he might never wake up, no matter how great and understanding you are. You have to walk away for you. You are a feeling human being and you need to spend your time on someone who is willing to put his heart next to yours. Sure it still might not bring you happily ever after with the next guy but you won't be waiting for the emotional cripple to explain to you that he is never coming around to be with you.
Get out while you can and find a man who has a past, accepts it, and wants a chance to link his heart with yours.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Friday, July 8, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
18 Year Old Girls
As we get older, women are told, "the younger version of ourselves are coming. Coming to take our jobs. Coming to take our husbands." I always thought that it was something that was said on Sex and the City. I didn't believe this really happened in real life.
Until it did. Until I was replaced by a newly graduated high school senior.
I was amazed. Enraged. Upset. Confused. Baffled. Taken Aback. Hurt.
I couldn't understand how this little girl with limited life experience had gone in and swooped up this guy who I thought was a man who valued experience and knowledge in the women he was dating. A guy who has had his fair share of experiences. What the hell could they possibly have in common? What the hell could they talk about?
What I think hurt the most is that he never was forthcoming about it all. I had to find out from someone else. I had to find out that I was being phased out. Because he wasn't man enough, or mature enough to tell me himself, even though he was given multiple opportunities.
Then again, maybe in this instance it isn't the 18 year old girls who are the enemy. Maybe it's the guys we are dating. They are the enemy because they choose to be immature. They choose to play with our feelings. They choose to act like they are 18 year boys who don't know any better and don't care to. Maybe the enemy isn't the little girl who thinks she is charming with her stupidity; maybe it's really the guy who choosing her young stupidity over a woman who has a clue and knows her worth.
I knew my worth. I knew I was exhausted of the dating game we were playing and even if that 18 year old hadn't stumbled in, I was throwing in the towel if he wasn't going to make our relationship official.
She just gave me a better out. She gave me a better reason to see the guy for who he really was (or was trying to be again) and I was able to walk away without feeling like I had made a rash decision to end things.
Maybe 18 year old girls are good for something.
Maybe they are like these big road block signs, with the flashing lights that line highways during the summer. Maybe the 18 year old girls who come in and swoop up the men we are dating show us that we aren't with someone who is serious, committed, or interested in true worth and value. Those 18 year old girls show us what we've really been dealing with all along and what has been hidden beneath an experienced facade of a boy posing as a man.
Until it did. Until I was replaced by a newly graduated high school senior.
I was amazed. Enraged. Upset. Confused. Baffled. Taken Aback. Hurt.
I couldn't understand how this little girl with limited life experience had gone in and swooped up this guy who I thought was a man who valued experience and knowledge in the women he was dating. A guy who has had his fair share of experiences. What the hell could they possibly have in common? What the hell could they talk about?
What I think hurt the most is that he never was forthcoming about it all. I had to find out from someone else. I had to find out that I was being phased out. Because he wasn't man enough, or mature enough to tell me himself, even though he was given multiple opportunities.
Then again, maybe in this instance it isn't the 18 year old girls who are the enemy. Maybe it's the guys we are dating. They are the enemy because they choose to be immature. They choose to play with our feelings. They choose to act like they are 18 year boys who don't know any better and don't care to. Maybe the enemy isn't the little girl who thinks she is charming with her stupidity; maybe it's really the guy who choosing her young stupidity over a woman who has a clue and knows her worth.
I knew my worth. I knew I was exhausted of the dating game we were playing and even if that 18 year old hadn't stumbled in, I was throwing in the towel if he wasn't going to make our relationship official.
She just gave me a better out. She gave me a better reason to see the guy for who he really was (or was trying to be again) and I was able to walk away without feeling like I had made a rash decision to end things.
Maybe 18 year old girls are good for something.
Maybe they are like these big road block signs, with the flashing lights that line highways during the summer. Maybe the 18 year old girls who come in and swoop up the men we are dating show us that we aren't with someone who is serious, committed, or interested in true worth and value. Those 18 year old girls show us what we've really been dealing with all along and what has been hidden beneath an experienced facade of a boy posing as a man.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
It Has To Be Great
This afternoon I attended my cousin Saucy's bridal shower up in Duluth. It was a fun, new experience for me. None of my close friends have gotten engaged yet, so Saucy is the first of my wedding experiences as a grown woman.
While at the shower I was introduced to her future mother-in-law. She was a wonderful woman who was so nice to me instantly when I explained to her that I was in the Air Force. She apparently has a very close friend who is a commander at one of the bases in Iowa. Anyways, apparently I came across to this Southern woman as a "lovely" girl [see Yankees do have charm!].
After the opening of the presents and posing for photographs, my Aunt J asked me what I thought about all the wedding hoopla and chaos- insinuating if I would one day like it too. I replied that it seemed fun, and that yes, maybe one day; but first I actually need the man! Well Saucy's future MIL overheard and was shocked that I didn't have a boyfriend. "You're really not dating anyone? You're darling." Nope. Single Gal.
She then turned to me and said, "The best piece of advice I ever received from my mother was: 'if you're dating and it's not great...then it's never going to be great.'" The future MIL continued: "Think about it. You want it to be great during the initial dating stages because eventually you will become more comfortable with one another, and you'll relax on the way you interact together. But if it's not something you are enjoying or happy with from the beginning, it is never going to get any better the longer you are together."
Such a simple word of advice: "It has to be great in the beginning. If it's not, then get out."
Why had I never heard that before? It seems to me that in today's world, women are told that if a man acts like this, or like that, then you should take one course of action or another [He's Just Not That Into You, for instance]. But this was different. This wasn't a woman looking for signs or action, instead this came from the woman herself.
It translates to: If you don't feel like you are getting love and affection that satisfies your needs early on, honey it ain't never gonna happen. So dump the fool. You need to make yourself happy by having a relationship you think is great from the start.
So ladies, please take note. I know I did. I thought about it all the way on the drive home. Is your relationship at the beginning stages? Are you happy? Are your love/affection needs being met? That's the great thing about this piece of advice: it depends on you. You are the key. You are the person evaluating your own needs and assessing whether or not they are being met. Empowering to say the least.
While at the shower I was introduced to her future mother-in-law. She was a wonderful woman who was so nice to me instantly when I explained to her that I was in the Air Force. She apparently has a very close friend who is a commander at one of the bases in Iowa. Anyways, apparently I came across to this Southern woman as a "lovely" girl [see Yankees do have charm!].
After the opening of the presents and posing for photographs, my Aunt J asked me what I thought about all the wedding hoopla and chaos- insinuating if I would one day like it too. I replied that it seemed fun, and that yes, maybe one day; but first I actually need the man! Well Saucy's future MIL overheard and was shocked that I didn't have a boyfriend. "You're really not dating anyone? You're darling." Nope. Single Gal.
She then turned to me and said, "The best piece of advice I ever received from my mother was: 'if you're dating and it's not great...then it's never going to be great.'" The future MIL continued: "Think about it. You want it to be great during the initial dating stages because eventually you will become more comfortable with one another, and you'll relax on the way you interact together. But if it's not something you are enjoying or happy with from the beginning, it is never going to get any better the longer you are together."
Such a simple word of advice: "It has to be great in the beginning. If it's not, then get out."
Why had I never heard that before? It seems to me that in today's world, women are told that if a man acts like this, or like that, then you should take one course of action or another [He's Just Not That Into You, for instance]. But this was different. This wasn't a woman looking for signs or action, instead this came from the woman herself.
It translates to: If you don't feel like you are getting love and affection that satisfies your needs early on, honey it ain't never gonna happen. So dump the fool. You need to make yourself happy by having a relationship you think is great from the start.
So ladies, please take note. I know I did. I thought about it all the way on the drive home. Is your relationship at the beginning stages? Are you happy? Are your love/affection needs being met? That's the great thing about this piece of advice: it depends on you. You are the key. You are the person evaluating your own needs and assessing whether or not they are being met. Empowering to say the least.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Lesson Learned
When we break up with someone, women are typically the ones who ask, "What did you learn? How did you grow?"
My answer is always: "I didn't learn anything."
This might only be partially true; I don't fully acknowledge that I have "learned" something from a failed relationship. But the question I like to ask is: "Why do I have to learn something?"
Why is it that women search for meaning in failed relationships? Is it because we hope that if we learn something that we won't date another wrong man? Or that we will magically grow more as women because we have found a deeper, more meaningful lesson in heartbreak than love could ever give us in a lifetime?
I have to come to believe that if we women state that we have learned this or that than we justify spending time with that person. If we have learned something through our heartache than we have grown as women and ultimately into a better person who more deeply understands human nature. Perhaps if we learned something we won't repeat the same mistake again.
Even if you "learn something," why must you admit it? Why must you point out that you had to go through this relationship's failing in order to better understand something about yourself, how you act in relationships, etc.? Or could you have learned that something on your own or without the relationship crumbling to bits?
Mostly, what I have learned from my failed relationship is how to be insecure. Every time I break up with a man he tells me how I screwed it up, or how I wasn't good enough, or what I did wrong. While I'm already aware that I am not a perfect individual, having my flaws constantly pointed out to me as I exit a relationship does nothing to aide my confidence. Which is why I remain insecure about my shortcomings to this day.
This time around, however, I am trying not to listen to what he said to me on that day that I walked away. What I am trying to do instead is evaluate and analyze from my perspective, taking bits and pieces of his, to conclude what sort of "lesson" I might take away from this F relationship. Moreover, I am trying to figure out how I might fix those shortcomings myself. How can I be less insecure? How can I demonstrate that I care without coming off as needy? How can I be less impatient?
I let you know when I've learned my lesson and when I come up with answers to create a healthy and successful relationship.
My answer is always: "I didn't learn anything."
This might only be partially true; I don't fully acknowledge that I have "learned" something from a failed relationship. But the question I like to ask is: "Why do I have to learn something?"
Why is it that women search for meaning in failed relationships? Is it because we hope that if we learn something that we won't date another wrong man? Or that we will magically grow more as women because we have found a deeper, more meaningful lesson in heartbreak than love could ever give us in a lifetime?
I have to come to believe that if we women state that we have learned this or that than we justify spending time with that person. If we have learned something through our heartache than we have grown as women and ultimately into a better person who more deeply understands human nature. Perhaps if we learned something we won't repeat the same mistake again.
Even if you "learn something," why must you admit it? Why must you point out that you had to go through this relationship's failing in order to better understand something about yourself, how you act in relationships, etc.? Or could you have learned that something on your own or without the relationship crumbling to bits?
Mostly, what I have learned from my failed relationship is how to be insecure. Every time I break up with a man he tells me how I screwed it up, or how I wasn't good enough, or what I did wrong. While I'm already aware that I am not a perfect individual, having my flaws constantly pointed out to me as I exit a relationship does nothing to aide my confidence. Which is why I remain insecure about my shortcomings to this day.
This time around, however, I am trying not to listen to what he said to me on that day that I walked away. What I am trying to do instead is evaluate and analyze from my perspective, taking bits and pieces of his, to conclude what sort of "lesson" I might take away from this F relationship. Moreover, I am trying to figure out how I might fix those shortcomings myself. How can I be less insecure? How can I demonstrate that I care without coming off as needy? How can I be less impatient?
I let you know when I've learned my lesson and when I come up with answers to create a healthy and successful relationship.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
#1
Sometimes I wonder if I am too selfless. If I have been beaten down so much during the times when I was selfish, that I ceased to be that way, and am from now on too selfless when it comes to dating. So my question tonight...when dating, do I, the woman, have to be #1 in her man's life?
Is it essential to be the most important thing in a man's life? Do I have to be the #1 priority, every day, all day, from day one in order to feel as though I matter to him?
Life is made up of so many more things than that one relationship you have with a significant other. There are jobs, school, family obligations, bills, personal goals/dreams, fears...just LIFE. So out of all those things that make up a person's life...if we are together, do I have to be #1?
Some of my friends would argue, yes. You need to be #1 in a relationship with a man, from the very beginning. If you aren't #1, and he doesn't treat you like it, than you should move on and find someone who will.
But...I argue this. Actually my brain and heart have been duking it out all day, mulling over this question.
My mother and father have been married for over 25 years. My parents are not the lovey-dovey couples you see on TV. They fight, they get mad at each other, but they talk to one another. My parents respect each other. They care about one another. But they are not a perfect couple either. However, they are my example of a mostly-good relationship.
My mother is not #1. She was definitely not #1 when my dad was farming when my parents first got married. The farm was #1. There are moments when my mother is #1. My dad will change the floor in the kitchen to the design she wants. He will pick her flowers and bring them in the house for her. He will fix her car for her.
So does being #1, the most important and focal point of a man's life, really need be my #1 priority when assessing my relationship? Am I naive when I am understanding about a man's prior commitments and more important priorities?
Or am I just too selfless? Do I not give my self enough credit? Do I project the image of a woman lacking self worth if I let a man prioritize other things in his life over me?
Is it ok, not to be #1 24/7?
Is it essential to be the most important thing in a man's life? Do I have to be the #1 priority, every day, all day, from day one in order to feel as though I matter to him?
Life is made up of so many more things than that one relationship you have with a significant other. There are jobs, school, family obligations, bills, personal goals/dreams, fears...just LIFE. So out of all those things that make up a person's life...if we are together, do I have to be #1?
Some of my friends would argue, yes. You need to be #1 in a relationship with a man, from the very beginning. If you aren't #1, and he doesn't treat you like it, than you should move on and find someone who will.
But...I argue this. Actually my brain and heart have been duking it out all day, mulling over this question.
My mother and father have been married for over 25 years. My parents are not the lovey-dovey couples you see on TV. They fight, they get mad at each other, but they talk to one another. My parents respect each other. They care about one another. But they are not a perfect couple either. However, they are my example of a mostly-good relationship.
My mother is not #1. She was definitely not #1 when my dad was farming when my parents first got married. The farm was #1. There are moments when my mother is #1. My dad will change the floor in the kitchen to the design she wants. He will pick her flowers and bring them in the house for her. He will fix her car for her.
So does being #1, the most important and focal point of a man's life, really need be my #1 priority when assessing my relationship? Am I naive when I am understanding about a man's prior commitments and more important priorities?
Or am I just too selfless? Do I not give my self enough credit? Do I project the image of a woman lacking self worth if I let a man prioritize other things in his life over me?
Is it ok, not to be #1 24/7?
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Regular Joe
"Regular Joe," by Ashton Shepherd is one of my favorite songs. In the last few months I have been dating a man who fits the description of Ashton's "Regular Joe." He is a very good man. He is honest with me; more importantly he seems to be honest with himself & know himself. He is fun, educated, interesting, driven, and quite caring.
I met Joe about two years ago, but it wasn't until this past December that I started to see what he had to offer. He is all those things I have dreamed of and wanted to find in a man. You know the man you dream up as Mr. Right? Well maybe he isn't exactly Mr. Right, but Joe has certainly checked off many of the boxes I always wanted to be filled, but never were with any of the other guys I dated.
I have finally begun to see what real happiness might be with another person. Our time together is limited but when we are together I experience this calm happiness. My mind quiets, I laugh even more than I normally do, and I feel myself growing as a person. It just feels "right." It feels good.
I feel very comfortable around him. While I still try to impress him by getting dolled up, etc. to me, being with Joe is like slipping on my Allegheny College sweatpants after being in a pencil skirt all day at work. I can get around him and just slip into my "real" self.
I don't know if Joe and I will ever officially be a couple. There are many reasons for that. But what Joe has given me is some assurance. There is another person out there who can check off most of the boxes I have for "Mr. Right." There is a person out there, besides my best friends, who I can be myself with, while I still try to impress him a little. Joe knows the "real me" and luckily he hasn't run for the hills yet.
http://youtu.be/go-VeP4A2m8 Check out "Regular Joe"
I met Joe about two years ago, but it wasn't until this past December that I started to see what he had to offer. He is all those things I have dreamed of and wanted to find in a man. You know the man you dream up as Mr. Right? Well maybe he isn't exactly Mr. Right, but Joe has certainly checked off many of the boxes I always wanted to be filled, but never were with any of the other guys I dated.
I have finally begun to see what real happiness might be with another person. Our time together is limited but when we are together I experience this calm happiness. My mind quiets, I laugh even more than I normally do, and I feel myself growing as a person. It just feels "right." It feels good.
I feel very comfortable around him. While I still try to impress him by getting dolled up, etc. to me, being with Joe is like slipping on my Allegheny College sweatpants after being in a pencil skirt all day at work. I can get around him and just slip into my "real" self.
I don't know if Joe and I will ever officially be a couple. There are many reasons for that. But what Joe has given me is some assurance. There is another person out there who can check off most of the boxes I have for "Mr. Right." There is a person out there, besides my best friends, who I can be myself with, while I still try to impress him a little. Joe knows the "real me" and luckily he hasn't run for the hills yet.
http://youtu.be/go-VeP4A2m8 Check out "Regular Joe"
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Actions > Words...Right?
Every girl loves compliments. We love it when guys we are dating or crushing on are cutesy with us. Girls eat that stuff up. We want to feel special. I am no different, I'll admit it.
However, after dating several guys who would pack on the compliments & the cutesy stuff heavy and from the start...who ended up several weeks later, basically cutting me down with their comments and forgetting they ever thought I was "beautiful," "amazing," "the perfect girl," "exactly what I've been waiting for"... I decided that what I wanted was a guy to be real with me. To not think of me as this special girl to be put on a pedestal [because I kept falling every time I was placed there]. I didn't want anymore cutesy "baby" crap after every sentence uttered to me. No, I wanted to be seen as an equal.
Well ladies & gentlemen, I have finally gotten my wish!
The downside to my wish that I didn't realize when I made it: All that cutesy crap helped me to identify that a guy was into me. Without it I have been struggling to know whether or not a guy is into me. It's not so clear when you are treated like an equal. Now it is all about him showing me, demonstrating to me that he cares. And since I see the good in people, I tend to believe he does these sorts of things for everyone in his life that he doesn't hate. What can I say, sometimes L.G. is a complicated woman!
I'm not saying that cutesy stuff isn't uttered...but it isn't the constant bombardment of those words anymore. Which in my head [somehow] translates now to: << He only likes me sometimes.>>
Although it has caused more complications...more speculation, I think I might be on the right track. As we all know, actions speak louder than words. Often times words are simply the thing we say to get what we want. Actions are what we do to prove, to explain, to declare our true feelings.
However, after dating several guys who would pack on the compliments & the cutesy stuff heavy and from the start...who ended up several weeks later, basically cutting me down with their comments and forgetting they ever thought I was "beautiful," "amazing," "the perfect girl," "exactly what I've been waiting for"... I decided that what I wanted was a guy to be real with me. To not think of me as this special girl to be put on a pedestal [because I kept falling every time I was placed there]. I didn't want anymore cutesy "baby" crap after every sentence uttered to me. No, I wanted to be seen as an equal.
Well ladies & gentlemen, I have finally gotten my wish!
The downside to my wish that I didn't realize when I made it: All that cutesy crap helped me to identify that a guy was into me. Without it I have been struggling to know whether or not a guy is into me. It's not so clear when you are treated like an equal. Now it is all about him showing me, demonstrating to me that he cares. And since I see the good in people, I tend to believe he does these sorts of things for everyone in his life that he doesn't hate. What can I say, sometimes L.G. is a complicated woman!
I'm not saying that cutesy stuff isn't uttered...but it isn't the constant bombardment of those words anymore. Which in my head [somehow] translates now to: << He only likes me sometimes.>>
Although it has caused more complications...more speculation, I think I might be on the right track. As we all know, actions speak louder than words. Often times words are simply the thing we say to get what we want. Actions are what we do to prove, to explain, to declare our true feelings.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Slow Down Sister
Allegheny College. You taught me so many things. How to turn a sentence into a two-page paper. How its not a good thing to mix my alcohol all night long and expect to feel alive the next morning. How to walk up hill in 3 feet of unshoveled snow in Arctic like temperatures.
College also taught me how you start to "date." Everything is a race. A Nascar race. High speed, going around in circles dating all sorts of different guys, never really ever seeming to pass the black and white checkered flag.
Audge & I were talking about this at lunch the other afternoon. There we were eating some fries as we divulged how it now appears that we need to learn how to go slow when we meet someone new. Now, we aren't talking about how soon do you, or don't you, sleep with your new beau. No we are talking about going slow in the walk [we aren't sprinting anymore] to becoming boyfriend/girlfriend.
Back in our college days the label came quick. By 3 weeks of hanging out, eating meals, studying in the library, and walking to class together it became Facebook official. Even some of the guys we have dated after college didn't take much more than 3 before it became official.
But here we both were- past the 3 week mark with both our beaux and nothing felt official. In fact, we had both been told by our beaux that they wanted to go slow for the outstanding circumstances of our crazy lives. Understandable. Logic told us that it was the smart thing. But-- why doesn't he wanna be my boyfriend?! Yes, that's right Ms. Emo came out. We probably should have been drinking milkshakes instead of beers during this lunch. At the very least Cosmos, those are at least girly.
So here we are. 24 and 23 years old, learning how to walk. Learning how to go slow. Learning how our motto should be "just let it happen."
You'd think being this old, we'd have the sense to walk. That going slow would be all that we wanted to do. I mean, we've both had our hearts broken more than once. Shouldn't we want to go slow? Why were we so willing to drive like Mario Andretti with our hearts? Why didn't we want to go slow?
I chalk it up to both Audge and I having a very similar I-want-it-gotta-have-it kind of attitude. This attitudeis coupled with the fact that we have seen what is out there. When we find something we like, we don't want another girl coming in and stealing what we think we found first [ok, not first, but he was on the shelf and we picked him off it first, this time]. No, we want that title, because to us, that title is a mark of territory, rather than the description of how committed to one another we were as a couple to these beaux.
But really, when you think about it, that's what maybe these beaux are trying to get at. They want to go slow because they want the title of boyfriend/girlfriend to mean something about the depth of their feelings and commitment. Right now they aren't there yet. How can you blame them, its only been a few weeks?
So here Audge and I go, learning how to slow it down.
College also taught me how you start to "date." Everything is a race. A Nascar race. High speed, going around in circles dating all sorts of different guys, never really ever seeming to pass the black and white checkered flag.
Audge & I were talking about this at lunch the other afternoon. There we were eating some fries as we divulged how it now appears that we need to learn how to go slow when we meet someone new. Now, we aren't talking about how soon do you, or don't you, sleep with your new beau. No we are talking about going slow in the walk [we aren't sprinting anymore] to becoming boyfriend/girlfriend.
Back in our college days the label came quick. By 3 weeks of hanging out, eating meals, studying in the library, and walking to class together it became Facebook official. Even some of the guys we have dated after college didn't take much more than 3 before it became official.
But here we both were- past the 3 week mark with both our beaux and nothing felt official. In fact, we had both been told by our beaux that they wanted to go slow for the outstanding circumstances of our crazy lives. Understandable. Logic told us that it was the smart thing. But-- why doesn't he wanna be my boyfriend?! Yes, that's right Ms. Emo came out. We probably should have been drinking milkshakes instead of beers during this lunch. At the very least Cosmos, those are at least girly.
So here we are. 24 and 23 years old, learning how to walk. Learning how to go slow. Learning how our motto should be "just let it happen."
You'd think being this old, we'd have the sense to walk. That going slow would be all that we wanted to do. I mean, we've both had our hearts broken more than once. Shouldn't we want to go slow? Why were we so willing to drive like Mario Andretti with our hearts? Why didn't we want to go slow?
I chalk it up to both Audge and I having a very similar I-want-it-gotta-have-it kind of attitude. This attitudeis coupled with the fact that we have seen what is out there. When we find something we like, we don't want another girl coming in and stealing what we think we found first [ok, not first, but he was on the shelf and we picked him off it first, this time]. No, we want that title, because to us, that title is a mark of territory, rather than the description of how committed to one another we were as a couple to these beaux.
But really, when you think about it, that's what maybe these beaux are trying to get at. They want to go slow because they want the title of boyfriend/girlfriend to mean something about the depth of their feelings and commitment. Right now they aren't there yet. How can you blame them, its only been a few weeks?
So here Audge and I go, learning how to slow it down.
The Book
I have long since been a disciple of The Book. It is what my girl friends and I reverently refer He's Just Not That Into You to as. I used to consult it and pour over it every time I started talking to a boy in order try to decipher what he really meant, and if he was into me.
However with the new year I have some new perspective. I do not need a book to tell me what my gut is already telling me. I should be trusting my instincts, rather than consulting a book that doesn't acutely describe the situation I find myself in.
I do think the book is a helpful. It can help a girl stay grounded while she treads through Limbo land...but it isn't concrete. And when you do think it is concrete about a guy, it should also mean that you just found one of those guys who didn't have the balls to tell you how he really felt. Who wants one of those guys anyways?! Let him go on his way. He can find some other girl to try to sort through all his B.S.
Which I think that's what The Book helps you see. The bull that guys who don't have the guts or decency to really tell you what is really up. And girl, you don't want to waste anytime on those guys. Because you won't be that into them either.
However with the new year I have some new perspective. I do not need a book to tell me what my gut is already telling me. I should be trusting my instincts, rather than consulting a book that doesn't acutely describe the situation I find myself in.
I do think the book is a helpful. It can help a girl stay grounded while she treads through Limbo land...but it isn't concrete. And when you do think it is concrete about a guy, it should also mean that you just found one of those guys who didn't have the balls to tell you how he really felt. Who wants one of those guys anyways?! Let him go on his way. He can find some other girl to try to sort through all his B.S.
Which I think that's what The Book helps you see. The bull that guys who don't have the guts or decency to really tell you what is really up. And girl, you don't want to waste anytime on those guys. Because you won't be that into them either.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
To Not Being Such A Girl
So one of my more private resolutions that I have for this year is about trying to act less like a girl. I didn't share it with you, because I didn't share some of my other resolutions [like making my bed every morning, etc]. However, I told my friend Sean about the resolution and he thinks I should stay the way I am. Which is why I am now writing about it. Why I need to act less like a girl in 2011.
This is what I mean. Girls tend to over analyze everything! We see something posted on Facebook and we call up our friends to have them help us dissect what it could possibly mean about our bf, the guy we're seeing, an ex, etc. Same goes for text messages and voice mails. How many times have you had a friend listen to a voicemail left by a guy or forwarded a text sent by the man in question just to get another viewpoint on what must really be going on behind closed doors [aka: in his head]?!?!
I have done it way too many times to count. Way too many times to be ashamed of. And this year, I just want to take most of what a guy says to me at face value and how I take it at first glance. Do I see what he says as flirting and joking around with me? Yes? Ok, good, no need to get all the girls on the phone to see what their take is. They don't know him, his humor, or the humor that we share together.
This is not to say I will not talk to my friends about the guy I am seeing. No, I'm simply referring to stop being such a girl by dissecting every word that is exchanged.
The second part of being a girl is thinking that I need constant day-to-day communication with the guy I'm seeing. Is this really necessary? Do I really care what he is up to? I mean, to an extent yea, of course, but at the same time I don't really need to know that he is having a boring day at work. Do I wanna hear about him remodeling his house? Sure! At least that gives me an insight into him and his personality when he talks about how he envisions the final product that he's created.
Moreover, does he really need to hear about how I recently, seriously cleaned the crap out of my house? How I organized every surface and every piece of paper in my possession? No, not really. I'd just rather have him come over and see my final product. I mean we aren't married here; he doesn't need to know every detail of my life and I don't need to know every detail of his.
The third part is to not stress over that guy I'm seeing. This right here is not my strong point- EVER. As my best guy friend, Nate, has pointed out over the years, I'm just not content unless I'm worrying about something. Unfortunately he is right. I don't let things just flow and run their course. Instead, I will construct a dam to stop them from happening, I will place sandbags on the river bank so there is no flood, and I will quickly, fervently dig a tributary so that things go my way. That's just the way I am. I chalk it up to being a typical Type A personality.
So this year, I'm trying to release. I'm trying not to control. I'm trying to be chill. Trying. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm putting effort into it. I'm trying to let things go slow. For them to evolve as naturally as they can [I do put some effort into this, but for the most part I am relinquishing all my control freak tendencies].
Hopefully, after all this effort I'll get my birthday wish...
This is what I mean. Girls tend to over analyze everything! We see something posted on Facebook and we call up our friends to have them help us dissect what it could possibly mean about our bf, the guy we're seeing, an ex, etc. Same goes for text messages and voice mails. How many times have you had a friend listen to a voicemail left by a guy or forwarded a text sent by the man in question just to get another viewpoint on what must really be going on behind closed doors [aka: in his head]?!?!
I have done it way too many times to count. Way too many times to be ashamed of. And this year, I just want to take most of what a guy says to me at face value and how I take it at first glance. Do I see what he says as flirting and joking around with me? Yes? Ok, good, no need to get all the girls on the phone to see what their take is. They don't know him, his humor, or the humor that we share together.
This is not to say I will not talk to my friends about the guy I am seeing. No, I'm simply referring to stop being such a girl by dissecting every word that is exchanged.
The second part of being a girl is thinking that I need constant day-to-day communication with the guy I'm seeing. Is this really necessary? Do I really care what he is up to? I mean, to an extent yea, of course, but at the same time I don't really need to know that he is having a boring day at work. Do I wanna hear about him remodeling his house? Sure! At least that gives me an insight into him and his personality when he talks about how he envisions the final product that he's created.
Moreover, does he really need to hear about how I recently, seriously cleaned the crap out of my house? How I organized every surface and every piece of paper in my possession? No, not really. I'd just rather have him come over and see my final product. I mean we aren't married here; he doesn't need to know every detail of my life and I don't need to know every detail of his.
The third part is to not stress over that guy I'm seeing. This right here is not my strong point- EVER. As my best guy friend, Nate, has pointed out over the years, I'm just not content unless I'm worrying about something. Unfortunately he is right. I don't let things just flow and run their course. Instead, I will construct a dam to stop them from happening, I will place sandbags on the river bank so there is no flood, and I will quickly, fervently dig a tributary so that things go my way. That's just the way I am. I chalk it up to being a typical Type A personality.
So this year, I'm trying to release. I'm trying not to control. I'm trying to be chill. Trying. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm putting effort into it. I'm trying to let things go slow. For them to evolve as naturally as they can [I do put some effort into this, but for the most part I am relinquishing all my control freak tendencies].
Hopefully, after all this effort I'll get my birthday wish...
Bombarded with Advice
Going through Barnes & Nobles yesterday I stumbled upon a realization as I walked into the "Relationship" section of the store. What was the realization?! That all these books are telling us how we are supposed to play the dating game; how we are supposed to act in order to land a man; who is going to be our Mr. Right. I even picked up one of these books [Why Men Loves Bitches to be exact, because Kim always tells me I need to read it].
What I also realized is that even within one book there is conflicting information. Moreover, many of these guidelines that are floating out there in "relationship-wanted" space differ from how I would view you are supposed to treat someone once you are in a relationship. Is it really that difficult? Do we really need this much guidance? Should we really analyze and scrutinize every moment, word, gesture, and deed that occurs when you are just starting to date someone?
Simply, I don't think it is all so necessary.
While I definitely think some of the points made in the books are valid and should be something that both men and women follow when they are dating someone, I also feel like these things shouldn't only occur at the outset of dating.
For instance, having your own life and your own hobbies is a valid thing to come from these books. Its important to stress to women to create their own identity and keep it; before, during, and after a man comes into their life. This I have not always done, I will admit. But I have definitely gotten much better at it as I have gotten older. It's even caused a breakup.
Treating an asshole the way he deserves to be treated, ditto. Give him hell if the situation warrants it and never talk to him again!
However, the advice that tells you not to be nice to the guy you are seeing- to be a bitch to him, I really don't think it is going to make men like you anymore. Yea, maybe not be a doormat, but if the guy asks you to pick something up on your way over, are you being taken advantage of if you do it, or are you simply being yourself and doing a kind gesture for someone you like? [I think the latter.] If it was a girlfriend that asked you to do this favor, no one would have a problem with it, but when it comes to a man, apparently the rules [in some books] are completely flip-flopped. [Yet if you notice in the article about the 5 secrets, one of the "secrets" is to treat your man as though he was a friend...see no consensus.]
Perhaps this is just my justification. What do I know?! I'm single, so apparently something isn't working perfectly. I am nice to the guy I am seeing. I'm a kind person in general, but I guess I am a bit nicer to the guy I'm seeing. Or at the very least I try to make it obvious that he is getting treated a little differently then how I treat some random guy on the street that I'm not spending my time with. I don't [typically, but have on occasion] do anything for him that I wouldn't do for a friend. According to Why Men Love Bitches, I am failing on some aspects, but passing in others.
Oi vie! As Scarlett O'Hara gripped, "Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?"
What I also realized is that even within one book there is conflicting information. Moreover, many of these guidelines that are floating out there in "relationship-wanted" space differ from how I would view you are supposed to treat someone once you are in a relationship. Is it really that difficult? Do we really need this much guidance? Should we really analyze and scrutinize every moment, word, gesture, and deed that occurs when you are just starting to date someone?
Simply, I don't think it is all so necessary.
While I definitely think some of the points made in the books are valid and should be something that both men and women follow when they are dating someone, I also feel like these things shouldn't only occur at the outset of dating.
For instance, having your own life and your own hobbies is a valid thing to come from these books. Its important to stress to women to create their own identity and keep it; before, during, and after a man comes into their life. This I have not always done, I will admit. But I have definitely gotten much better at it as I have gotten older. It's even caused a breakup.
Treating an asshole the way he deserves to be treated, ditto. Give him hell if the situation warrants it and never talk to him again!
However, the advice that tells you not to be nice to the guy you are seeing- to be a bitch to him, I really don't think it is going to make men like you anymore. Yea, maybe not be a doormat, but if the guy asks you to pick something up on your way over, are you being taken advantage of if you do it, or are you simply being yourself and doing a kind gesture for someone you like? [I think the latter.] If it was a girlfriend that asked you to do this favor, no one would have a problem with it, but when it comes to a man, apparently the rules [in some books] are completely flip-flopped. [Yet if you notice in the article about the 5 secrets, one of the "secrets" is to treat your man as though he was a friend...see no consensus.]
Perhaps this is just my justification. What do I know?! I'm single, so apparently something isn't working perfectly. I am nice to the guy I am seeing. I'm a kind person in general, but I guess I am a bit nicer to the guy I'm seeing. Or at the very least I try to make it obvious that he is getting treated a little differently then how I treat some random guy on the street that I'm not spending my time with. I don't [typically, but have on occasion] do anything for him that I wouldn't do for a friend. According to Why Men Love Bitches, I am failing on some aspects, but passing in others.
Oi vie! As Scarlett O'Hara gripped, "Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?"
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Online Dating
I succumbed to online dating. I'll admit it. There were very few men in the gene pool of Western New York that I was meeting when I went out, so I was encouraged by my best friend to try online dating. So I did. I signed up on okcupid.com because I refused to pay for something before I tried it out; before I knew whether or not I was really interested in trying it out.
Turns out it wasn't an awful experience, but it wasn't a good one either. I think it has to do with me being old fashioned in dating still, not feeling completely hopeless [yet], and the fact that I wasn't seeing anyone I'd be interested in for more than a few hours.
The Good
Turns out, you aren't the only one in the world who is lonely, looking for love, not seeming to find it even though all your friends have. Apparently there are a whole bunch of us squirming around the city! And sometimes its a comforting thing to see that. Tangible evidence is always a plus.
Not every guy on there was a creeper. I did in fact meet a pretty decent guy. He wasn't right for me, but he was not psycho, nor did he have two heads. He was normal, laid back, liked football and beer, and had a job at Gieco. Pretty standard normal stuff, which is nice.
It's easier to reject someone online than it is at the bar. At least for me. If a guy has the courage to come up to me while I'm out feel a sense of obligation to give him my number [unless of course he is rude or perverted]. I mean, it takes a lot of gumption to come over and talk to a complete stranger. I don't do it often. Online, if I'm not interested and I don't show interest, I don't feel so bad. [Yes, I'm a little bit of a horrible person, I realize that.]
The Bad
From my experience some guys just want to use the dating site as a way to date you. I can be considered high maintenance; I like being taken out on dates. I like meeting people in person. I viewed Okcupid as a mutual friend or the virtual bar. You learn some quick facts about this person and weigh whether or not you want to go on a date- even just coffee! You don't stay at the bar for days on end trying to get to know the person inside and out before you decide whether or not you want to see this person [in the flesh]. I understand not wanting to take out every woman you talk to, but that's why you should know what you are looking for. Ask those questions; seek those answers out first. If those responses are acceptable to you, go get in line at Starbucks and have a real conversation!
The Ugly
Similar to The Bad is guys asking you why you don't list every detail or every thought about yourself online. Uhhh, because I prefer actual conversation. Because I like meeting people and spending time with them to see if there is chemistry. A profile can sound great. You can be Mr. Wonderful...but if I don't like your voice, or your teeth, or the way you smell [you get the idea] then it ain't gonna happen. I don't care how many of my Mr. Right boxes are checked off based on what you wrote on your profile. [Sometimes those antiquated ideas of chemistry and hygiene aren't just something George and Martha Washington were able to use to their advantage. Even in 2010, I think they are applicable and necessary to the start of any courtship.]
Then there were the even uglier comments that were made to me when I first started talking to some guys. The fitness comment that was written in the "All righty Cupid" entry about fitting his member in my mouth. Yeah, that was made to me. Not exactly happy about that ever being muttered to me...via text message.
So maybe others have luck finding love on the Internet. My cousin met her husband at an online dating site. I don't knock it. I tried it. It just isn't for me. At least not at this juncture in my life. I do, however think it would be a good way to meet people if you relocate to a place where you don't know anyone...and are tired of going to the movies alone.
I have, however, since deleted my profile.
Turns out it wasn't an awful experience, but it wasn't a good one either. I think it has to do with me being old fashioned in dating still, not feeling completely hopeless [yet], and the fact that I wasn't seeing anyone I'd be interested in for more than a few hours.
The Good
Turns out, you aren't the only one in the world who is lonely, looking for love, not seeming to find it even though all your friends have. Apparently there are a whole bunch of us squirming around the city! And sometimes its a comforting thing to see that. Tangible evidence is always a plus.
Not every guy on there was a creeper. I did in fact meet a pretty decent guy. He wasn't right for me, but he was not psycho, nor did he have two heads. He was normal, laid back, liked football and beer, and had a job at Gieco. Pretty standard normal stuff, which is nice.
It's easier to reject someone online than it is at the bar. At least for me. If a guy has the courage to come up to me while I'm out feel a sense of obligation to give him my number [unless of course he is rude or perverted]. I mean, it takes a lot of gumption to come over and talk to a complete stranger. I don't do it often. Online, if I'm not interested and I don't show interest, I don't feel so bad. [Yes, I'm a little bit of a horrible person, I realize that.]
The Bad
From my experience some guys just want to use the dating site as a way to date you. I can be considered high maintenance; I like being taken out on dates. I like meeting people in person. I viewed Okcupid as a mutual friend or the virtual bar. You learn some quick facts about this person and weigh whether or not you want to go on a date- even just coffee! You don't stay at the bar for days on end trying to get to know the person inside and out before you decide whether or not you want to see this person [in the flesh]. I understand not wanting to take out every woman you talk to, but that's why you should know what you are looking for. Ask those questions; seek those answers out first. If those responses are acceptable to you, go get in line at Starbucks and have a real conversation!
The Ugly
Similar to The Bad is guys asking you why you don't list every detail or every thought about yourself online. Uhhh, because I prefer actual conversation. Because I like meeting people and spending time with them to see if there is chemistry. A profile can sound great. You can be Mr. Wonderful...but if I don't like your voice, or your teeth, or the way you smell [you get the idea] then it ain't gonna happen. I don't care how many of my Mr. Right boxes are checked off based on what you wrote on your profile. [Sometimes those antiquated ideas of chemistry and hygiene aren't just something George and Martha Washington were able to use to their advantage. Even in 2010, I think they are applicable and necessary to the start of any courtship.]
Then there were the even uglier comments that were made to me when I first started talking to some guys. The fitness comment that was written in the "All righty Cupid" entry about fitting his member in my mouth. Yeah, that was made to me. Not exactly happy about that ever being muttered to me...via text message.
So maybe others have luck finding love on the Internet. My cousin met her husband at an online dating site. I don't knock it. I tried it. It just isn't for me. At least not at this juncture in my life. I do, however think it would be a good way to meet people if you relocate to a place where you don't know anyone...and are tired of going to the movies alone.
I have, however, since deleted my profile.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
All Righty, Cupid!
My friend Dani lives and works in a big east coast city. Working crazy long hours in the city and not really knowing many people in the area has made it difficult to meet men, let alone get to go on a date with a man. As a way to meet men, she joined, what we like to call "the virtual bar" of online dating. There are cute guys, weirdo, creepers, and just plain nice guys who just want to meet a sane, normal woman.
At the virtual bar she has become acquainted with all sorts of men. Up until recently she has had a rather pleasant experience at the bar. Creepers were at a minimum. However, lately, she wonders whether or not the full moon is out, because the weirdness is coming out of the woodwork!
One potential noticed that she spoke another language. He then proceeded to write her nearly a page long message in Hungarian. While on the phone, explaining this situation to me, she exclaimed, "What if I write him a message in ancient Egyptian because I notice that he is of Egyptian decent. Here is some ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics for you honey! You're ancestors can read them, don't worry!"
At the virtual bar, the server asks you what age range you want your potential dates to fall between. Dani's limit is 31. She received a message from a man that started out... "I know I'm a little older than your range is..." So Dani, trying to keep an open mind, thinking she could probably date someone who was about 35. Nope. He was 52 years old. A little older?!?! Sorry, grandpa, but you should probably move your butt over to eHarmony before you dieeeeeee!
While these two are examples of amusing dating antidotes, there are also the more sinister and Jersey Shore-like offerings that are made during what appears at first to be a normal conversation.
One potential date started talking about football with her. The conversation then turned to what he thought about her looks. He thought she was really good looking...but he didn't stop there with the compliments. He then proceeded to compliment her body in detail, admitting what he liked about each tiny facet of her body...and that he'd hit that. Had they been dating and knew each other better, maybe this could have been laughed off or even served as foreplay. However, this was the first time they were meeting. The worse part was that he didn't understand that she wasn't being a prude about the situation, but rather was just trying to be a respected woman.
The second potential flop was a similar scenario. She was talking with this guy about how she liked working out, going to the gym, and doing yoga. He too enjoyed going to the gym. Great something in common------------Screeeeccch. "So if you're into fitness, can you "fit" my d*** in your mouth?" Excuse me?!?! Are you kidding me? The worse part was he tried to apologize over and over again for it, saying sometimes he says the wrong things, but he had always wanted to use that line before. Sorry, bud, but you aren't 16, you should be socially aware that it would be inappropriate to use that sort of "line" the first time you talk to a woman.
So, needless to say Dani is starting to get a little frustrated. She isn't looking to find Prince Charming today, tomorrow, or even next week...but she would like a decent, caring man to spend some of her time with. However, after some experiences like this, Dani looks up to the sky and screams, "all righty, Cupid, where is Prince Charming? I fold!"
At the virtual bar she has become acquainted with all sorts of men. Up until recently she has had a rather pleasant experience at the bar. Creepers were at a minimum. However, lately, she wonders whether or not the full moon is out, because the weirdness is coming out of the woodwork!
One potential noticed that she spoke another language. He then proceeded to write her nearly a page long message in Hungarian. While on the phone, explaining this situation to me, she exclaimed, "What if I write him a message in ancient Egyptian because I notice that he is of Egyptian decent. Here is some ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics for you honey! You're ancestors can read them, don't worry!"
At the virtual bar, the server asks you what age range you want your potential dates to fall between. Dani's limit is 31. She received a message from a man that started out... "I know I'm a little older than your range is..." So Dani, trying to keep an open mind, thinking she could probably date someone who was about 35. Nope. He was 52 years old. A little older?!?! Sorry, grandpa, but you should probably move your butt over to eHarmony before you dieeeeeee!
While these two are examples of amusing dating antidotes, there are also the more sinister and Jersey Shore-like offerings that are made during what appears at first to be a normal conversation.
One potential date started talking about football with her. The conversation then turned to what he thought about her looks. He thought she was really good looking...but he didn't stop there with the compliments. He then proceeded to compliment her body in detail, admitting what he liked about each tiny facet of her body...and that he'd hit that. Had they been dating and knew each other better, maybe this could have been laughed off or even served as foreplay. However, this was the first time they were meeting. The worse part was that he didn't understand that she wasn't being a prude about the situation, but rather was just trying to be a respected woman.
The second potential flop was a similar scenario. She was talking with this guy about how she liked working out, going to the gym, and doing yoga. He too enjoyed going to the gym. Great something in common------------Screeeeccch. "So if you're into fitness, can you "fit" my d*** in your mouth?" Excuse me?!?! Are you kidding me? The worse part was he tried to apologize over and over again for it, saying sometimes he says the wrong things, but he had always wanted to use that line before. Sorry, bud, but you aren't 16, you should be socially aware that it would be inappropriate to use that sort of "line" the first time you talk to a woman.
So, needless to say Dani is starting to get a little frustrated. She isn't looking to find Prince Charming today, tomorrow, or even next week...but she would like a decent, caring man to spend some of her time with. However, after some experiences like this, Dani looks up to the sky and screams, "all righty, Cupid, where is Prince Charming? I fold!"
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tomboy Predicament
The other day I went into the Education Office at the graduate school I'm attending. Dr. Werner, who I had as a guest speaker in one of my classes was there, was talking football with one of the office ladies. They went from talking about the quarterback to the offensive line. I stood their, patiently waiting my turn, of course, listening and judging this woman's lack-of football understanding.
I finally couldn't take it anymore. I interjected, "It isn't just a quarterback deficiency, but a lack of a strong and dependable offensive line to protect any quarterback since...oh well probably Jim Kelley, because even Flutie had only a half reliable O-Line."
The office lady just smiled at me, as Dr. Werner turned and asked where I learned about football. I explained to him that I started watching it with my dad when I was little and have since begun to understand and learn about the game, positions, etc. Dr. Werner was quite impressed with my dad's apparent genius in teaching his daughter about football. He then asked me if I consider myself a tomboy.
I laughed and said kind of. I didn't get into the fact that when I was younger I was most certainly a tomboy, but as I grew up I attempted to become more lady-like and girly. Still working on the balance between the tomboy and the lady. I also didn't indulge him in details that I love Chick Lit & Chick Flicks, shopping, flowers, but also love being able to boast that I can do 50 push ups in a minute, that I know how to weld, and can change my oil.
Well, he came to the conclusion that because I was a tomboy, that I must need a man who is, more feminine than I. Absolutely not, Dr. Werner!!! If I can do more push ups than I guy I'm dating, I'm sorry, but I'll pass. But this is where part of the predicament lies. I want a guy who treats me nicely and is sweet to me, but he needs to be tougher, stronger, and definitely more manlier than I am. Which often puts me in the situation of dating guys who resemble jock meat heads from a stereotypical high school movie more than anything else. Men who are actually overcompensating for something they feel they are lacking [or aren't aware that they're lacking].
Ahhhh the tomboy predicament: What kind of man do I need vs. What kind of man I want.
I finally couldn't take it anymore. I interjected, "It isn't just a quarterback deficiency, but a lack of a strong and dependable offensive line to protect any quarterback since...oh well probably Jim Kelley, because even Flutie had only a half reliable O-Line."
The office lady just smiled at me, as Dr. Werner turned and asked where I learned about football. I explained to him that I started watching it with my dad when I was little and have since begun to understand and learn about the game, positions, etc. Dr. Werner was quite impressed with my dad's apparent genius in teaching his daughter about football. He then asked me if I consider myself a tomboy.
I laughed and said kind of. I didn't get into the fact that when I was younger I was most certainly a tomboy, but as I grew up I attempted to become more lady-like and girly. Still working on the balance between the tomboy and the lady. I also didn't indulge him in details that I love Chick Lit & Chick Flicks, shopping, flowers, but also love being able to boast that I can do 50 push ups in a minute, that I know how to weld, and can change my oil.
Well, he came to the conclusion that because I was a tomboy, that I must need a man who is, more feminine than I. Absolutely not, Dr. Werner!!! If I can do more push ups than I guy I'm dating, I'm sorry, but I'll pass. But this is where part of the predicament lies. I want a guy who treats me nicely and is sweet to me, but he needs to be tougher, stronger, and definitely more manlier than I am. Which often puts me in the situation of dating guys who resemble jock meat heads from a stereotypical high school movie more than anything else. Men who are actually overcompensating for something they feel they are lacking [or aren't aware that they're lacking].
Ahhhh the tomboy predicament: What kind of man do I need vs. What kind of man I want.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I Enjoy...
I'm only me when I'm with you. Just a small-town boy and girl, living in the crazy world, trying to figure out what is and isn't true. And I don't try to hide my tears, my secrets or my deepest fears, through it all nobody gets me like you do. -Taylor Swift
Believe it or not, it is hard for me to open up. It is especially hard for me to open up when I am first starting to date someone. I am insecure and I wonder if I sound totally dull. Who wants to hear on a first date, that I love to read and write. What is this, 1814? Am I 54 years old? I'm 20something. I should love to go out, drink, dance, and have loud fun! I do like to raise a little hell, but I do also enjoy reading and writing a lot.
Point is, I don't like going on dates. I like relationships where you are free to be yourself and don't have to feel like you have to cover up your nerdy self.
Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be covering up who I really am on a first date, but let's be serious. First dates are PR meetings. It's about appearance. Yes you want to start to get to know the other person to see if there is a real connection, but you also want to sound like this super amazing person, not someone who has all these idiosyncrasies and guilty pleasures. No one wants to get to know that person on the first date. Unless of course you happen to be dating a very mature gentleman who is anxious about meeting The Future Mrs. tonight!
But to get to the point where, "nobody gets me like you do" there must be dates. Dates where you don't reveal the whole, fascinating, unique you. Dating is like peeling back an onion. You have to go slow, because if you don't you might get an unwanted reaction.
Ugh! Tonight I'm staying in with my onion. I like onions better than first dates.
Believe it or not, it is hard for me to open up. It is especially hard for me to open up when I am first starting to date someone. I am insecure and I wonder if I sound totally dull. Who wants to hear on a first date, that I love to read and write. What is this, 1814? Am I 54 years old? I'm 20something. I should love to go out, drink, dance, and have loud fun! I do like to raise a little hell, but I do also enjoy reading and writing a lot.
Point is, I don't like going on dates. I like relationships where you are free to be yourself and don't have to feel like you have to cover up your nerdy self.
Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be covering up who I really am on a first date, but let's be serious. First dates are PR meetings. It's about appearance. Yes you want to start to get to know the other person to see if there is a real connection, but you also want to sound like this super amazing person, not someone who has all these idiosyncrasies and guilty pleasures. No one wants to get to know that person on the first date. Unless of course you happen to be dating a very mature gentleman who is anxious about meeting The Future Mrs. tonight!
But to get to the point where, "nobody gets me like you do" there must be dates. Dates where you don't reveal the whole, fascinating, unique you. Dating is like peeling back an onion. You have to go slow, because if you don't you might get an unwanted reaction.
Ugh! Tonight I'm staying in with my onion. I like onions better than first dates.
Burn Book
Things NOT to Say. Sometimes if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Boy to Girl he is dating: "You're a communist. I think Democrats are pure evil." Yeah, that will get you to the next date. Maybe you should have saved that comment until she got to eat her dessert.
Elections make people angry, ready to fling nasty words across the divide. Although I am a history major, I hate talking about elections. I understand that they help to decide the path the nation takes, but I hate them. They are typically nasty. Sometimes, particuarly, in recent elections, I have trouble seeing where the candidates stand on the issues when they are only worried about mud slinging with their opponent. What is this, kindergarten? Boys will be boys, but this is getting to be too much!
Digging up dirt isn't my favorite either. Its like they missed out in highschool. Or they were the ones who the Burn Book dised back in the good ol' days. Now its time for them to get back...well at least they are getting "back" at someone.
How the date continued...
Boy: "You're a communist."
Girl: "No I have more socialistic ideals that I think should be worked into our government."
Boy, nonchalantly: "So you are a communist."
Girl, enraged: "Open a freaking textbook and compare the definitions! Socialist and communists are not the same thing!!!!"
Boy, pompously: "I have and they are the same thing. I think I know more about politics then you do. I educate myself and read about this stuff all the time."
Girl: "I highly doubt that. I don't even think you know how to read if that's what you think the definitions are."
Boy: "And you would know? You went to college, that's it. Every one knows that colleges are the most liberal communities in the country."
Girl: "What did all those Republicans do with their youth?! Pretty sure they went to colleges in this country. How did they make it out alive then, without being turned into evil liberal-minded individuals."
Boy: "They went to private institutions."
Girl: "Check, please!"
Wow. Apparently dating has become just as mudslinging as recent elections. And this blog is the Burn Book.
Boy to Girl he is dating: "You're a communist. I think Democrats are pure evil." Yeah, that will get you to the next date. Maybe you should have saved that comment until she got to eat her dessert.
Elections make people angry, ready to fling nasty words across the divide. Although I am a history major, I hate talking about elections. I understand that they help to decide the path the nation takes, but I hate them. They are typically nasty. Sometimes, particuarly, in recent elections, I have trouble seeing where the candidates stand on the issues when they are only worried about mud slinging with their opponent. What is this, kindergarten? Boys will be boys, but this is getting to be too much!
Digging up dirt isn't my favorite either. Its like they missed out in highschool. Or they were the ones who the Burn Book dised back in the good ol' days. Now its time for them to get back...well at least they are getting "back" at someone.
How the date continued...
Boy: "You're a communist."
Girl: "No I have more socialistic ideals that I think should be worked into our government."
Boy, nonchalantly: "So you are a communist."
Girl, enraged: "Open a freaking textbook and compare the definitions! Socialist and communists are not the same thing!!!!"
Boy, pompously: "I have and they are the same thing. I think I know more about politics then you do. I educate myself and read about this stuff all the time."
Girl: "I highly doubt that. I don't even think you know how to read if that's what you think the definitions are."
Boy: "And you would know? You went to college, that's it. Every one knows that colleges are the most liberal communities in the country."
Girl: "What did all those Republicans do with their youth?! Pretty sure they went to colleges in this country. How did they make it out alive then, without being turned into evil liberal-minded individuals."
Boy: "They went to private institutions."
Girl: "Check, please!"
Wow. Apparently dating has become just as mudslinging as recent elections. And this blog is the Burn Book.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Ideal Man
When you're single you are told two pieces of advice:
1. Figure out what you really want in a man and don't settle for less.
2. No one is going to fit your ideal mold.
Uhhh, so what is a single gal really supposed to do? Those two doctrines contradict themselves. This isn't religion here. So what is the easy answer here about how I am supposed to go about single life?
Regardless, I know what I want in my ideal man...who probably does not exist. Here he is:
1. Figure out what you really want in a man and don't settle for less.
2. No one is going to fit your ideal mold.
Uhhh, so what is a single gal really supposed to do? Those two doctrines contradict themselves. This isn't religion here. So what is the easy answer here about how I am supposed to go about single life?
Regardless, I know what I want in my ideal man...who probably does not exist. Here he is:
- I'm thinking brown hair and brown eyes. That's typically what I am attracted to.
- Tall. I like guys that are about 6 feet despite the fact that I only reach 5'1".
- He has to make me laugh...a lot. He has to laugh at my jokes and sarcastic comments, too.
- He has to be interesting. Have ideas. Have goals. Have opinions.
- He must listen to country music. I've come to realize that vastly different musical tastes can make car rides unenjoyable when you just have anything interesting to really talk about. Doesn't have to only be interested in country, just have it be one of the listened to genres.
- He works out. Not a juice head or anything, but a guy who enjoys being active and tries to lead a healthy lifestyle. He must be able to do more push ups than me in 60 seconds as well.
- He won't make me watch scary movies. He won't try to scare me. I don't like creepy, scary TV shows or movies. If he can respect that, we will get along.
- He has that rugged, country, military, all-American look and attitude; that certain je ne sais quoi about him that is hard to put into words or describe fully. But when you see it, you know he's got it.
- He likes to travel and see new places, have new experiences. I'm all for hanging out and watching a movie on a Saturday night at home, but he has to want to see and learn new things in his life. I'm talking continental US & Europe here.
- He has to understand himself. He has to be comfortable with who he is. He has to be proud of himself and his accomplishments. If he doesn't like something about himself, then he has to be cognizant about that and work towards changing it.
- He has to be my cheerleader too. I'm all for cheering someone on, but it needs to be reciprocated.
- He has to know what is going on in the world. I'm not asking for a politico or a stringent advocate of something, just have a good idea of what social, economic, political, and military events are happening in the world and be able to talk about what he thinks about them.
- He has to be close to his family. If there are issues there I want him to acknowledge them, not hide from them. He has to be his own man though and not depend on his family's ideals as a crutch.
- Have a good job. I don't have credentials of what a "good job" really means, but he has to be responsible.
- Does he have to like football?? Good question. I'm not sure yet. Does he have to have been in a fraternity in college? Another good question. Hmmm. Be a beer drinker? Yes.
- Look like this? YES!
I'm no Snookie
Let me first preface this entry by saying that I enjoy reality TV shows. I am a big fan of The Bachelor/Bachelorette on ABC.
I am however not a fan of Jersey Shore. Why? I hate the subliminal messages I think that it sends to those who watch it, particularly those ranging from 13-20 years old who are at the height of their insecurities and desperately feel the need to fit in and fit into a mold.
Please explain to me why it is acceptable that these 20 something Americans think it is perfectly acceptable to get drunk, hit on whatever is dressed in next to nothing, bring her home, get it in there, and then make her leave? While I understand that this happens in the real world, why are we broadcasting it on TV? Are we just being honest with ourselves? Do we value this sort of entertainment in our personal lives? Are those that are watching the show wish that deep down inside themselves that this is what they were like? Are young men looking for pick up tips? Pretty sure that's a yes.
Moreover, I feel that young men and women are getting the idea that this sort of behavior and treatment is the norm, making it acceptable to be treated like a common whore, without the payment. And young women definitely shouldn't be coaxed into thinking this should be the sort of treatment to be expected by the opposite sex.
Why do women think they should dress like that to get attention either? And why should I be made to feel like a prude because I refuse to dress scandalously? I like my parts covered up, thanks. I'm not free, or a bargain. I know for a fact that it is already starting to seep into the dating world.
Sentiments as expressed by Carina who dates in NYC: The wonderful specimens on Jersey Shore certainly do no help my cause at finding decency among men. But why are there women so desperate to sleep with one of those assholes, who basically just needs a hole to get it in, regardless of the quality of said hole! The women who would allow themselves to get into bed with those disgusting men ON CAMERA, thus validating their horrific treatment of women, should never be allowed to have sex again!
As an educator I am definitely worried about the psychological messages it sends to my young female students. I try to provide them with examples of strong, impressive women who have done amazing things in history...but who cares about that when they can get a guy by showing their goodies. It's much easier to get a guy that way, isn't it? Who wants to be strong and impress men with their mind when showing off the goods takes minimal effort and has instant results?
And for my male students, it sends the message that it is acceptable to treat women in a degrading manner. Why should they treat her with decency when she doesn't even respect herself based on her behavior and dress?
So MTV, if you could cancel Jersey Shore, you'd really be helping out the youth of America. It might actually improve the dating scene. Maybe you can get funding through No Child Left Behind or some other government initiative? It would be a humanitarian effort for sure.
I am however not a fan of Jersey Shore. Why? I hate the subliminal messages I think that it sends to those who watch it, particularly those ranging from 13-20 years old who are at the height of their insecurities and desperately feel the need to fit in and fit into a mold.
Please explain to me why it is acceptable that these 20 something Americans think it is perfectly acceptable to get drunk, hit on whatever is dressed in next to nothing, bring her home, get it in there, and then make her leave? While I understand that this happens in the real world, why are we broadcasting it on TV? Are we just being honest with ourselves? Do we value this sort of entertainment in our personal lives? Are those that are watching the show wish that deep down inside themselves that this is what they were like? Are young men looking for pick up tips? Pretty sure that's a yes.
Moreover, I feel that young men and women are getting the idea that this sort of behavior and treatment is the norm, making it acceptable to be treated like a common whore, without the payment. And young women definitely shouldn't be coaxed into thinking this should be the sort of treatment to be expected by the opposite sex.
Why do women think they should dress like that to get attention either? And why should I be made to feel like a prude because I refuse to dress scandalously? I like my parts covered up, thanks. I'm not free, or a bargain. I know for a fact that it is already starting to seep into the dating world.
Sentiments as expressed by Carina who dates in NYC: The wonderful specimens on Jersey Shore certainly do no help my cause at finding decency among men. But why are there women so desperate to sleep with one of those assholes, who basically just needs a hole to get it in, regardless of the quality of said hole! The women who would allow themselves to get into bed with those disgusting men ON CAMERA, thus validating their horrific treatment of women, should never be allowed to have sex again!
As an educator I am definitely worried about the psychological messages it sends to my young female students. I try to provide them with examples of strong, impressive women who have done amazing things in history...but who cares about that when they can get a guy by showing their goodies. It's much easier to get a guy that way, isn't it? Who wants to be strong and impress men with their mind when showing off the goods takes minimal effort and has instant results?
And for my male students, it sends the message that it is acceptable to treat women in a degrading manner. Why should they treat her with decency when she doesn't even respect herself based on her behavior and dress?
So MTV, if you could cancel Jersey Shore, you'd really be helping out the youth of America. It might actually improve the dating scene. Maybe you can get funding through No Child Left Behind or some other government initiative? It would be a humanitarian effort for sure.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Turner
Awhile back, I became friends with this Canadian guy, Turner. It was after a breakup from a long distance relationship with a man who had meant more to me than my own life. He took me out on the first date I had been on in months. It was the simplest things that he did that made me like him; open a door, call me "dear," look at me intently when I was talking to him, buy my drinks and dinner, and make me laugh.
Turner could make me laugh as I never have before. I felt so simply happy with him. I was content to do nothing with him, just sitting in his black Honda Civic after class, talking for an hour or so. But he also took me on some "Canadian adventures." We went hiking down these awesome trails on the Lower Niagara River. We went to the locals-only bars that I had never seen before when I would frequent Canada before age 21. We drove all around the city of Niagara Falls, Ontario and it was amazing to me because I lived right across the border from this city my entire life, but I didn't know any of this was there.
I was daring with him. I was completely flirtatious. I would tease him mercilessly and he would just go with it, laughing at himself the entire time. He said he liked it when I teased him. He made silly faces, that were simply ridiculous.
I don't know that I had ever felt like this before with a guy. I felt exhilirated and comfortable all at the same time. I opened up to him more than I had with my previous boyfriend. With Turner, I was able to examine myself to my hearts content; something completely foreign to me. I never had to adjust anything about myself around him. Not one thing.
The few weeks that I spent with Turner were unforgettable in the journey of self discovery. I started to see things that I had never realized before about myself. I never believed I was beautiful before. I never knew if I was interesting, or if men just listened to me in order to get laid. We had fun everytime we were together. We went to the beach, we went hiking, we went to the lounge, we went out for dinner, we went to the bar, we hung out with friends, we just hung out at his house. Things I had been dreaming about doing with previous suitors who never seemed game to try or do all these things. Turner and I were able to talk for hours about school, life, what we wanted to do; almost everything. I was able to act tough around him, and he let me play that game, but he knew I wasn't. He would comfort me when I was upset. He understood how I thought about nearly everything. He thought I was amazing...and for once, he didn't change his mind about that.
Turner could make me laugh as I never have before. I felt so simply happy with him. I was content to do nothing with him, just sitting in his black Honda Civic after class, talking for an hour or so. But he also took me on some "Canadian adventures." We went hiking down these awesome trails on the Lower Niagara River. We went to the locals-only bars that I had never seen before when I would frequent Canada before age 21. We drove all around the city of Niagara Falls, Ontario and it was amazing to me because I lived right across the border from this city my entire life, but I didn't know any of this was there.
I was daring with him. I was completely flirtatious. I would tease him mercilessly and he would just go with it, laughing at himself the entire time. He said he liked it when I teased him. He made silly faces, that were simply ridiculous.
I don't know that I had ever felt like this before with a guy. I felt exhilirated and comfortable all at the same time. I opened up to him more than I had with my previous boyfriend. With Turner, I was able to examine myself to my hearts content; something completely foreign to me. I never had to adjust anything about myself around him. Not one thing.
The few weeks that I spent with Turner were unforgettable in the journey of self discovery. I started to see things that I had never realized before about myself. I never believed I was beautiful before. I never knew if I was interesting, or if men just listened to me in order to get laid. We had fun everytime we were together. We went to the beach, we went hiking, we went to the lounge, we went out for dinner, we went to the bar, we hung out with friends, we just hung out at his house. Things I had been dreaming about doing with previous suitors who never seemed game to try or do all these things. Turner and I were able to talk for hours about school, life, what we wanted to do; almost everything. I was able to act tough around him, and he let me play that game, but he knew I wasn't. He would comfort me when I was upset. He understood how I thought about nearly everything. He thought I was amazing...and for once, he didn't change his mind about that.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
This Ain't a Fairy Tale
I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairy tale.
That's right. Despite the fact that Sleeping Beauty figurines and "princess" paraphernalia decorates a few shelves in my room, I am not a princess. Moreover, I do not belong in a fairy tale. Not one you've created or one that I have concocted.
I hate when I start off dating someone new. They think I'm amazing and go on and on about all these great qualities that I have. And I do. It's not that I don't acknowledge that fact. However, its many times the fact that at first they can't seem to get past those stunning qualities and see that I am a real woman.
Read: I am a real woman. I have issues. I have faults. I make mistakes. I say things I shouldn't. I get angry, sad, frustrated, and 500 different emotions. I'm stubborn and sarcastic. I complain. I am selfish. I change my mind. Then, I'm dead set on a certain path.
But,
I'm also smart, funny, beautiful, confident, selfless, happy, excited, flawless, and articulate my thoughts and feelings perfectly at times. I love like crazy. I believe in lost causes. I laugh. I am goofy. I am brillant and witty. I am patient. I am loyal if you give me your love back. I am flexible. I will trust you.
I am not a stock character even on my best days.
I shouldn't be put on a pedestal for making all your dreams come true. If I am, that's when I disappoint you, and you end up leaving me.
For all those boys who thought I was this fairy tale come true [Zach, Cerda, Maj, Clint, & Brandon]:: I need a man who loves the "perfect side" of me and the other side too. I am a complete package- this isn't an a la carte menu where you can pick and choose to love the best parts of me, and decide you'd like to bail when the fantasy doesn't fully manifest. I hope that you do find that fantasy woman...call me when you do. I'd like to meet this perfect creature, who fell in love with a mere mortal like yourself.
That's right. Despite the fact that Sleeping Beauty figurines and "princess" paraphernalia decorates a few shelves in my room, I am not a princess. Moreover, I do not belong in a fairy tale. Not one you've created or one that I have concocted.
I hate when I start off dating someone new. They think I'm amazing and go on and on about all these great qualities that I have. And I do. It's not that I don't acknowledge that fact. However, its many times the fact that at first they can't seem to get past those stunning qualities and see that I am a real woman.
Read: I am a real woman. I have issues. I have faults. I make mistakes. I say things I shouldn't. I get angry, sad, frustrated, and 500 different emotions. I'm stubborn and sarcastic. I complain. I am selfish. I change my mind. Then, I'm dead set on a certain path.
But,
I'm also smart, funny, beautiful, confident, selfless, happy, excited, flawless, and articulate my thoughts and feelings perfectly at times. I love like crazy. I believe in lost causes. I laugh. I am goofy. I am brillant and witty. I am patient. I am loyal if you give me your love back. I am flexible. I will trust you.
I am not a stock character even on my best days.
I shouldn't be put on a pedestal for making all your dreams come true. If I am, that's when I disappoint you, and you end up leaving me.
For all those boys who thought I was this fairy tale come true [Zach, Cerda, Maj, Clint, & Brandon]:: I need a man who loves the "perfect side" of me and the other side too. I am a complete package- this isn't an a la carte menu where you can pick and choose to love the best parts of me, and decide you'd like to bail when the fantasy doesn't fully manifest. I hope that you do find that fantasy woman...call me when you do. I'd like to meet this perfect creature, who fell in love with a mere mortal like yourself.
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