Cold Hard Fact

There comes a point in every woman's life where she comes to accept some very real and true cold hard facts about herself.  This morning, I accepted one very cold hard fact about myself: I am no longer in college and therefore can no longer drink like I am in college.


Yes, I am a woman. I am no longer that cute 22 year old Senior who can go out Wednesday night for $1 Long Islands, Thursday night for 25cent drafts, and dance on the speakers on Friday and Saturday night at Sportsgarden.  Nope, it's official. I am old and I have to learn to drink as though I am old.


Last night I went out with a sister from college and one of her co-workers.  We talked the big game about how we three Yankees were going to spend our first big night out in Atlanta looking to charm a new Southern gentlemen.  We were just going to be ourselves; what Southern man couldn't resist our blunt Northern "charm?"


Needlesstosay there were very few gentlemen who were charmed by our Yankee-ness. Or perhaps the mixing of beer, liquor, and jello shots created a night that I can not fully recall. Regardless of the male company we kept or lacked, last night was a very fun night with two women who I am glad live near me in the South.  Us Yankees need to stick together sometimes and I stumbled upon a very fun night.  


So cold hard facts.  When you're nearing 25, it's all right that you can no longer mix your alcohol like you are 21.  And it's also right to go out and just be you...even if at the end of the night you're going home with your girlfriends. 

Lesson Learned

When we break up with someone, women are typically the ones who ask, "What did you learn? How did you grow?"


My answer is always: "I didn't learn anything."


This might only be partially true; I don't fully acknowledge that I have "learned" something from a failed relationship.  But the question I like to ask is: "Why do I have to learn something?"


Why is it that women search for meaning in failed relationships? Is it because we hope that if we learn something that we won't date another wrong man? Or that we will magically grow more as women because we have found a deeper, more meaningful lesson in heartbreak than love could ever give us in a lifetime?


I have to come to believe that if we women state that we have learned this or that than we justify spending time with that person. If we have learned something through our heartache than we have grown as women and ultimately into a better person who more deeply understands human nature.  Perhaps if we learned something we won't repeat the same mistake again.  


Even if you "learn something," why must you admit it? Why must you point out that you had to go through this relationship's failing in order to better understand something about yourself, how you act in relationships, etc.?  Or could you have learned that something on your own or without the relationship crumbling to bits?


Mostly, what I have learned from my failed relationship is how to be insecure. Every time I break up with a man he tells me how I screwed it up, or how I wasn't good enough, or what I did wrong.   While I'm already aware that I am not a perfect individual, having my flaws constantly pointed out to me as I exit a relationship does nothing to aide my confidence.  Which is why I remain insecure about my shortcomings to this day.  


This time around, however, I am trying not to listen to what he said to me on that day that I walked away. What I am trying to do instead is evaluate and analyze from my perspective, taking bits and pieces of his, to conclude what sort of "lesson" I might take away from this F relationship.  Moreover, I am trying to figure out how I might fix those shortcomings myself.    How can I be less insecure?  How can I demonstrate that I care without coming off as needy? How can I be less impatient? 


I let you know when I've learned my lesson and when I come up with answers to create a healthy and successful relationship.  

This Week

This week there has been a fundamental change in my emotions and outlook.  For weeks since the engagement and my relationship with Maj forever ended I walked around, feeling mangled and destroyed.  I knew I'd eventually be able to pull myself out of the depressed state, but during those weeks I didn't want to be pulled. I was trying to hang on to him and his memory because it was all I had left anymore. 

Yet this week I made powerful life decisions that brought me out of the darkness.  I was pulled to the surface this week.  And I did it all on my own. 

This week I had my physical fitness test.  I scored a 93%.  I completed 50 real push ups in 1 minute.  I felt strong and invincible. 

This week I realized I needed to be selfish, a trait I had diligently worked hard to push away since the start of my relationship with Maj.  I decided that self-sacrifice would not bring ultimate happiness to my future.  I needed to dig deep for what I really wanted in my life at the age of 23.  How did I want to see my future unfolding?  Moving south of the Mason Dixon line with Carina. Taking hold on my teaching career.  A deployment to Afghanistan. Researching and writing.  Visiting Bouton, Simpson, and Parrish in Europe. 

This week I returned the engagement ring and wedding bands.  Letting go of the past and my past dreams to make room for future dreams. 

This week I went to Barnes and Nobles. I bought books, like I normally do during a period of transformation in my life.  Books that would help guide me through the journey onward.  The Purpose Driven Life; Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert; Last One Down the Aisle Wins: 10 Keys to a Fabulous Single Life Now and an Even Better Marriage Later.

This week I went to school and volunteered at the Modified Football game.  Seeing students and being in a place where I feel needed has filled in the void of my desire to be needed by Maj. 

This week I realized that my life was not so different from what it had been.  Maj had been deployed, he was not around, so I had a separate life from him.  That meant I could continue with my life without feeling too much of a catastrophe. 

This week I decided to spend time in Georgia with my cousin.  I decided to take time for what was important to me.  A Luke Bryan concert. Oktoberfest.  Driving 15hours to Atlanta. 

This week I went back to Allegheny.  Back to the place where I was rejuvenated after my first real breakup; where I became part of something that had nothing to do with him and my past. Delta Delta Delta.

I feel strong. I feel powerful. I feel happy and content.  I feel like I am doing what is best for me, my health, and my happiness. 

Yes, it is true; I still have moments where I am sad.  However, I take those moments, seal them in an envelope, and send them up to the sky.  There they will stay, until the day I can fully face the feelings and memories with nostalgia, rather than sadness.