Emotional Cripple

I'll be honest. I spent the last six months dating a guy who I thought would eventually turn around and realize what a catch I was.  However, my fairy tale didn't turn out as planned. In fact, it turned out as opposite as I planned. I turned around and realized that I didn't need to continue dating him.  


There are guys who you meet and who you will become involved with where you know that they have been hurt in the past in one fashion or another.  You, are the fiesty, hard-headed, Protestant American, with a "go-forth" attitude in trying to make something with this guy because of your connection. However, there is a wall that is preventing the two of you from getting together.  


It is not that your connection is wrong or that the two of you couldn't be right for one another, but the challenge is in the line in the sand that the guy makes in a self-defense manner.  He doesn't want to get hurt again so it is easier to be emotionally crippled; to not deal with the emotions and the pain again, the drama he calls it. You try to understand, try to be sympthetic and wait until he comes around and is so engrossed by your strength and beauty and drive that it forces him out of the shell he has crammed his emotions into.  


But the fact is no matter how great you are or caring in the attempt to demonstrate that you're not like the one who hurt him, that you are in fact going to be there and care for him, you can't.  You can't crack his shell no matter what you do.  It has to come from himself.  He has to want his shell to come open and try again.  If he is not willing to lay his heart open, even with caution, then there is nothing you can do to make him do it.  


So leave it be. Let him lay with himself, with his lack of emotion and his inability to feel.  Because you can feel and you feel how much it truly is hurting you. You can feel the neglect. You can feel the void. 


Eventually if a relationship is what you are searching for but are unable to obtain it from your emotional cripple, you need to walk away.  It is better to make the decision to walk away from a man's indecision and unemotional attachment to you.  Rather than allowing weeks of dating to turn into months, or years, waiting for him to wake up and notice what is at his side, walk away.  


Truthfully, he might never wake up, no matter how great and understanding you are. You have to walk away for you. You are a feeling human being and you need to spend your time on someone who is willing to put his heart next to yours.  Sure it still might not bring you happily ever after with the next guy but you won't be waiting for the emotional cripple to explain to you that he is never coming around to be with you. 


Get out while you can and find a man who has a past, accepts it, and wants a chance to link his heart with yours.

My Version of Happy

I am guilty of being jealous. Honestly, I am typically jealous of something or someone at least once every single day. Sometimes it is another girl, sometimes it's someone's past, sometimes it's someone's new opportunity that I love love to have.  As much as I try to not be jealous, to think about the good things in my own life, I struggle.

However, today, as I was rearranging things in my room at my parents' house I stumbled upon perhaps the truth and core of my jealousy.  I'm jealous of how another person's life LOOKS...but do I realize how my own looks?

It's tough to look at your own life objectively; to stare at it through another person's eyes because you are so personally connected to the innermost workings in your own life.

Just because I don't have what someone else has, is that bad? Does it mean my own life is not worthy or celebration, joy, or praise?

As I stand on the cusp of my quarter-life crisis, I wonder...do I really need those things that I am jealous of? Do I need those things to be happy?  Other women might, but do I?

Would an engagement make me happy? Would buying a house make me happy? Would having my dream job make me happy? Would having that new Jeep Wrangler delight me [probably]?

I am certain that at some point in my life those things will come into my life to make me happy. They will arrive just when they need to.  But for right now, I don't need them.

What do I need? I need excitement, craziness, new experiences that differ from my friends/family, adventure, a stirring of new emotions, and a chance to do something I NEVER dreamed of doing up until a few months ago.  That's what I need right now to make me happy...and guess what?


I have those things. 

Pearl Kind of Girl

Being single has made me realize just what a great woman I am. Most guys like cubic zirconia, but honey I'm a pearl. I'm real & I keep growing more and more fabulous everyday. If you want a fake, cheap girl, you can have her. I'll wait for the man who understands how rare and precious pearls really are. Until then, I'll be growing more fabulous, reaching my goals, creating bigger dreams, and helping the world. Don't worry, her shine will wear off soon. ~ L.G.

Right Where I am Meant to Be

And when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see that you never were the best for me ~Daughtry

I have now become a true believer in "everything happens for a reason."  Why you ask? Because finally, when the front door was slammed shut in my face, I ended up right where I know I am meant to be. 

If I had gotten married this past October, I would not be student teaching now. I wouldn't have this calm happiness that spills out of my pores. 

Am I stressed? A little. Am I busy? Most certainly. But do I feel nervous, do I feel out of place, or do I feel uneasy? Negative. Not one bit.

I feel like I am doing exactly what I was put here in this world to do.  I am so happy. I am confident (most moments of the day, anyway).  And I wouldn't be in this place if that door wasn't slammed in my face.  Other doors have opened up for me, the doors that are directing me to where I am supposed to be and to the woman I am meant to be. 

Even though it is what I wanted, it's not what was best for me. I am definitely seeing that now, thankfully.

The Book

I have long since been a disciple of The Book.  It is what my girl friends and I reverently refer He's Just Not That Into You to as. I used to consult it and pour over it every time I started talking to a boy in order try to decipher what he really meant, and if he was into me. 

However with the new year I have some new perspective. I do not need a book to tell me what my gut is already telling me. I should be trusting my instincts, rather than consulting a book that doesn't acutely describe the situation I find myself in. 

I do think the book is a helpful. It can help a girl stay grounded while she treads through Limbo land...but it isn't concrete. And when you do think it is concrete about a guy, it should also mean that you just found one of those guys who didn't have the balls to tell you how he really felt. Who wants one of those guys anyways?! Let him go on his way. He can find some other girl to try to sort through all his B.S.

Which I think that's what The Book helps you see. The bull that guys who don't have the guts or decency to really tell you what is really up. And girl, you don't want to waste anytime on those guys. Because you won't be that into them either.

Signs

Do you believe in signs? Things that happen in your life that tell you what you need to do? Or what path you need to jump onto before its too late?

I had one such sign. It was September 1, 2010. I was walking down the street outside of the hospital to go visit my grandpa. As I was crossing the street I heard this little boy's voice yell from a car, "Ms. G." I turned and looked. I couldn't believe it, but it was Marquillis, one of the students I had during the summer literacy camp. I shouted and waved back at him, as he and his mother sat in their car before the light turned green. 

I had just come from the education office at my graduate school to tell them that I would not be starting classes in the fall semester.  I was getting married & Maj wanted me to move down to North Carolina to be with him. 

But as Marquillis drove away, I couldn't help but think that perhaps I had made a huge mistake.  If it had been any other student, it might not have registered that I could possibly be on the verge of messing up my future. 

The reason Marquillis quelled this fear inside of me was the fact that I had earned his trust and friendship throughout the course of the summer camp.  I became one of his favorite teachers after the lesson I taught where I let the students dress up in a piece of my military uniform.  The boys seemed to agree that Ms. G was pretty cool now that they knew I worked on airplanes. Marquillis even sat with me the one day during gym time while the other students were in the pool. He talked my ear off about all sorts of different things and gave me two of his coveted silly bands that were all the rage with my middle school students.

Perhaps seeing Marquillis on that day was a sign that I should be a teacher. That being a teacher and connecting with students was my real calling or mission in life. That I shouldn't give that up for some boy.

I'm not sure if Marquillis was a sign or not, but the thought of that moment certainly helped me to stand up to Maj and to not back down as he was arguing with me on the phone the following day.  Although Maj ultimately did the official pulling of the plug [and truly did hurt me] I did not back down to him the way I previously had on most things.  I stood my ground and that is what ultimately caused him to end it. 

All through the fall semester I kept thinking back to Marquillis. He had given me the strength I needed. He gave me the confidence I needed. I hope that somewhere during summer camp I was able to give him these things as well. 

I still have the silly bands he gave to me.  They are wrapped around my parking brake in my car, always a reminder that I am a teacher and that I should be one. Marquillis saw it in me & I need to see it in myself.

Hurt Little Girl

I recently went out for coffee with someone who used to be my closest friend in the entire world.  He used to know everything about me. He used to understand me. However, time and circumstance have separated us in nearly every manner possible, yet I attempted to get together with him to catch up, as he was always asking me to every time he was in the area. 

He said he had been keeping up with me by reading my blog posts.  I was shocked to even hear that he cared that much.  But then he went on to tell me that I sounded like a "hurt little girl" in my entries.  I didn't get angry when he told me this, but I did get a bit defensive. 

I am not a hurt little girl.

Yes, I have been hurt in the past, and especially hurt a few months ago.  However, I am good. I feel stronger and more independent than I ever have. I stood up for myself and my beliefs in this past relationship and even though I did desperately want it to work out, it didn't. I grieved [as you have read], I've thought deeply about everything that occurred, tried to make sense of it all, and to be honest I really do feel good about it all. I thought things would turn out differently, but really I do feel great.

Sometimes I feel lonely, but I was lonely even when I was dating Maj. So nothing has changed there. But I have put all my energies into creating a better self that the hurt little girl within me has disappeared.  She might be still lingering...a mere 3-5% left within me, but I think that is normal now that I am 24.

I mean let's face it. If you're in your mid-20s and you are still single there is a pretty good chance you have been hurt at least once before by someone you loved [or thought you loved].  Scars, some of them at least, never heal permanently.  That scar tissue is always present. You're not like Wolverine- your injuries don't disappear and seem as though they never occurred. 

Yet, there is a big difference between 3-5% and being characterized as a "hurt little girl." And if he still thinks I am after my defense at coffee and reading this...then I can't help him. I simply know how I feel. And I feel wonderful.

Bayonet Wound

Why do they say that your heart is broken? When something is broken, it typically means it needs to be replaced.  The bumper on my car for instance; has to be replaced after my brother smashed it into a few mailboxes.  It can't be fixed.

A heart that hurts, from a love that left, is not a broken heart. It can't be replaced.  The love from one man shouldn't be replaced by the love and affection of another man. That's called rebound. A heart gets stabbed when it is hurt by someone who you really were in love with.  It is stabbed with a bayonet.

Bayonets are knife-like devices that can be attached to the barrel of a fire arm.  Rather than shooting with a bullet (killing you, leaving you unfeeling) the bayonet would stab the opponent in hand to hand combat.  Bayonets leave a + looking flesh wound in the victim.  This makes it harder to sew and heal.

When your love decides he doesn't love you anymore, your heart isn't broken. Instead, its wounded by the bayonet.  The stab wound is bleeding, gushing dark red fluid that quickly stains each of the white sterile towels that the attendants apply to the broken flesh. The doctors struggle to sew up the + shaped flesh wound, so that the bleeding will cease and the body will heal. It may only seem like it is a flesh wound; something on the surface, but it's not.

It is a wound that affects the muscle and tissue of the body. The muscle and tissue can not heal over night. Nerves will not grow back instantaneously.  No, the bayonet leaves an injury that takes time to heal.  Rehabilitation is necessary is most cases, depending on where the weapon left its mark.  The wound is deep from the bayonet and will take many months to heal before the body feels like its old self again.

In the mean time, as the bayonet wound is healing, as the nerves, tissue, and muscle attempt to rejoin and restrengthen themselves, the victim tries to carry on with their previous life and activities. From time to time it is difficult; sometimes impossible; others without a hitch. 

There are times when something makes you feel rejuvenated, wonderful, and full of happiness. Others there are times when you want to shut out the world, lie in bed all day, and cry until there are no fluids left to drain.  Mostly though, there are the days where you simply trudge through, feeling the wound with every step but also feeling alive and thankful to be so after such an ordeal.

Such is the life of a victim of a bayonet wound. The good news is, there is a wonderful chance of survival and a fulfilling, happy life in the future, once the wound has healed itself.

Tomboy Predicament

The other day I went into the Education Office at the graduate school I'm attending. Dr. Werner, who I had as a guest speaker in one of my classes was there,  was talking football with one of the office ladies.  They went from talking about the quarterback to the offensive line. I stood their, patiently waiting my turn, of course, listening and judging this woman's lack-of football understanding. 

I finally couldn't take it anymore. I interjected, "It isn't just a quarterback deficiency, but a lack of a strong and dependable offensive line to protect any quarterback since...oh well probably Jim Kelley, because even Flutie had only a half reliable O-Line." 

The office lady just smiled at me, as Dr. Werner turned and asked where I learned about football.  I explained to him that I started watching it with my dad when I was little and have since begun to understand and learn about the game, positions, etc. Dr. Werner was quite impressed with my dad's apparent genius in teaching his daughter about football. He then asked me if I consider myself a tomboy.

I laughed and said kind of. I didn't get into the fact that when I was younger I was most certainly a tomboy, but as I grew up I attempted to become more lady-like and girly.  Still working on the balance between the tomboy and the lady. I also didn't indulge him in details that I love Chick Lit & Chick Flicks, shopping, flowers, but also love being able to boast that I can do 50 push ups in a minute, that I know how to weld, and can change my oil.

Well, he came to the conclusion that because I was a tomboy, that I must need a man who is, more feminine than I. Absolutely not, Dr. Werner!!! If I can do more push ups than I guy I'm dating, I'm sorry, but I'll pass. But this is where part of the predicament lies. I want a guy who treats me nicely and is sweet to me, but he needs to be tougher, stronger, and definitely more manlier than I am. Which often puts me in the situation of dating guys who resemble jock meat heads from a stereotypical high school movie more than anything else. Men who are actually overcompensating for something they feel they are lacking [or aren't aware that they're lacking]. 

Ahhhh the tomboy predicament: What kind of man do I need vs. What kind of man I want.

Jagged Little Pill

I am thankful to be born when I was. Not only do women have so many opportunities coming from the shoulders of our fore-mothers (Thank you, Abigail Adams, E.C. Stanton, S.B. Anthony, suffragettes a plenty, Rosie the Riveter, Donna Reed, Betty Friedan...etc!!), but we also have the right and the opportunity to make reproductive choices for ourselves.

 Can you believe that The Pill has only been around for 50 years?! Can you believe that women have only been able to have a real, grasping control on reproduction for the past 50 years? My mother is only 52 years old. It's crazy to think that my grandmother is the only woman in my family besides my mother and me who was able to make such staunch decisions about her uterus and what and when something was carried inside of it.

Now it appears, or at least there are rumblings of a possible new birth control revolution for American women: free contraception via the proposed health care bills that are passing through the houses of Congress.

I understand that everyone has their own ideas about the health care bill, and everyone is entitled to their opinion, including me.  Rather than speak on the health care bill as a whole, I wish to look at this possible revolution that I might be part of. 

Make no mistake about it: the health care bill isn't just advocating free birth control pills, but rather its searching for support for women to receive more reliable and even more expensive birth control methods for free under the passage of the bill.  That means women would be able to have IUDs and implants, for free. I don't know if you have ever had either form, but they expensive and depending on your health coverage you could be paying quite a bit for this preventative measure.

Which in fact is how the bill is proposing they target the opportunity: preventative measure, preventative medicine.  Opponents don't believe it is preventative, but family planning advocates would disagree. So would I, but this is why:

There are commercials for Univera Health Insurance, among others, that offer a deduction in payments or free gym memberships for their members. Isn't contributing to a healthy lifestyle a preventative measure that some Americans are taking part of?? If they're getting a discount for going to the gym or taking so many steps in a day, why shouldn't women, who are consciously deciding not to have children until they are ready, etc. get a break in the best methods available to prevent such?!? 

All right, I'm stepping off my soap box now. Here's the full article, if you'd like to read what the AP had to say about it all. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101031/ap_on_he_me/us_birth_control

Decision, Decided.

I have un’amica stretta, "a close friend" in Italian.  Her name is Amie. Her namesake also means "friend" in French.  We have been close friends for many years.  We grew up together in Western New York.  Amie has such strength and determination that I have been able to admire my whole life.  The depth of her love is unbelievable. As a result though, she has been hurt quite deeply and she tends to blame herself. 

A few months ago Amie found out that she was pregnant.  Now, normally this would be cause for great joy and celebration, but Amie was terrified. She and her boyfriend, Scobey, had recently broke up again and she was scared to contact him. But she was also terrified at the fact of making the decision to end the pregnancy and thus, end up being alone for the rest of her life. 

To summarize a long, dramatic story [that will be discussed in a different entry]: Scobey proposed, they planned to get married quickly, but then Scobey changed his mind, called off the wedding, proceeded to lay blame across Amie, and inundate her with charges of being a compulsive liar.

Amie did not know what to do. She had planned on carrying the baby to full term, but she felt hopeless and so mangled.  She felt as though she had been tossed into a dismal, manure filled hole of emotion by Scobey's treatment and words.  

After all that Scobey did to her, she still felt some obligation to speak with him about the baby and the plans she wanted to make for it. He didn't want to talk to her until there was a paternity test completed.  He didn't believe the baby was his and he refused to express his opinion about arrangements until it was proven that it was his.   In the meantime, though, he had no problem threatening to obtain full custody, calling Amie a slut, and blaming her for trapping him into a life that he hadn't wanted. 

Enough, was enough. Amie decided that she did not want Scobey in her life anymore, not even vicariously through the child's existence.  She knew she deserved more than a life of belittlement from a man who used to love her more than anything in the world.  She understood Scobey felt hurt and lied to, but she hadn't lied about anything important and she had never meant to hurt him.  He was the last person in the world she had wanted to cause hurt upon. 

Moreover, she wanted her own life.  She had been wrapped around Scobey's for too long that her life barely resembled her anymore.  Things would not be any different if she decided to have the baby. 

So, Amie made probably the hardest decision of her life. She decided to have her own life; to be unattached to any other human being.  To be stronger than she had ever been before.  She decided to make her own rules. She resolved that if fate or God did not bless her with future happiness based on this decision that she would have to make her own future happiness.

Amie also decided not to tell Scobey. She had mentioned it to him on the phone one night, that she was considering it based on how she was feeling, how he was feeling,  how neither one of them were sure that this was what they really wanted.  He got angry at her, blamed her for his proposal in the first place and "why hadn't she decided this earlier?!?!"

Is Amie selfish? Yes, and she doesn't argue that. She defends herself though, saying that she knows it was the best decision for her, her future, her future children...and even for Scobey and his future.  Cutting the strings now would make the future less painful for the both of them. 

Last One Down the Aisle Wins

Yes, I went there. I went to Barnes & Nobles and went to the Relationship section. Yes, I went there. I bought a book. But it is a really good book. It's titled: Last One Down the Aisle Wins by Shannon Fox and Celeste Liversidge. It is about the "10 keys to a fabulous single life now and an even better marriage later." It is aimed at women in their 20s, demonstrating that their 20s are not a time to wait- for a man, marriage, better job, for life to really start happening.  It is about taking time to become the best, strongest whole person you can be-- at least that's what the back cover says.

Anyways, here are Fox & Liversidge's 10 Keys....

1. Get a connected life by investing in friendships
2. Get a peaceful family life and make peace with your difficult family dynamics
3. Get a fulfilling work life and figure out what you want to be when you grow up
4. Get a smart financial life and take charge of your money
5. Get an emotionally stable life and manage your emotions
6. Get a self-accepting life and appreciate your body
7. Get an independent life and establish yourself away from your parents
8. Get a spiritual life and clarify your beliefs
9. Get a sexy life and honor your sexuality
10. Get an exciting life and pursue adventure

It actually is a pretty decent book, filled with quizzes and assessments. Like Cosmo, only less sex-obsessed and more self-focused.

Marry Yourself

Check out this article: http://www.someecards.com/2010/10/22/woman-marries-herself-taiwan

A 30 year old woman in Taiwan marries herself.  Sounds like an odd thing to do.  But the woman explains that when you get to be a certain age in Taiwan if they aren't settling down and having a husband and family, it can make those single gals feel inadequate, probably unfulfilled in Taiwan's society. Moreover, the woman explains that we tend to shower our "sweetie" with gifts and attention, many times leaving ourselves out to dry.  Expressing your love for a man through a marriage and huge wedding should be something you're also willing to do for yourself. Self-marriage seems logical. 

She isn't the only one to think so.  Samantha, from Sex and the City, breaks up with Smith. Why? "I love you, but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on."

Now I am not saying that I'm going to throw myself a wedding [although I do have the dress, flowers, and centerpieces ready...] What I am thinking about it is the concept of really treating yourself well. So many times women, including myself, get lost in the world and dreams of their significant other. My personal jury is still out deciding whether or not this is how it should be when you really love someone, but what they have decided on is that I need to treat myself with as much respect and love that I have given to my significant other.  If I don't, how can I expect him to really treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated?

This Ain't a Fairy Tale

I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairy tale.

That's right. Despite the fact that Sleeping Beauty figurines and "princess" paraphernalia decorates a few shelves in my room, I am not a princess. Moreover, I do not belong in a fairy tale.  Not one you've created or one that I have concocted.

I hate when I start off dating someone new. They think I'm amazing and go on and on about all these great qualities that I have. And I do. It's not that I don't acknowledge that fact. However, its many times the fact that at first they can't seem to get past those stunning qualities and see that I am a real woman.

Read: I am a real woman. I have issues. I have faults. I make mistakes. I say things I shouldn't. I get angry, sad, frustrated, and 500 different emotions.  I'm stubborn and sarcastic.  I complain. I am selfish. I change my mind. Then, I'm dead set on a certain path.
                                    But,
I'm also smart, funny, beautiful, confident, selfless, happy, excited, flawless, and articulate my thoughts and feelings perfectly at times. I love like crazy. I believe in lost causes. I laugh. I am goofy. I am brillant and witty.  I am patient. I am loyal if you give me your love back. I am flexible.  I will trust you.

I am not a stock character even on my best days.

I shouldn't be put on a pedestal for making all your dreams come true.  If I am, that's when I disappoint you, and you end up leaving me. 

For all those boys who thought I was this fairy tale come true [Zach, Cerda, Maj, Clint, & Brandon]:: I need a man who loves the "perfect side" of me and the other side too.  I am a complete package- this isn't an a la carte menu where you can pick and choose to love the best parts of me, and decide you'd like to bail when the fantasy doesn't fully manifest. I hope that you do find that fantasy woman...call me when you do. I'd like to meet this perfect creature, who fell in love with a mere mortal like yourself.

High Crawl

“If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, ‘But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.’”- I Wrote This For You

Those 8 weeks at boot camp were some of the longest days of my life. They were some of the most challenging times, mentally and physically. I thought that I was prepared, but I know now, no amount of preparation could have prepared me ever. 

It's not that I was out of shape. I was in really good shape. It's not that I couldn't take being yelled at. I could, but I did hate it. It's not that I couldn't take being away from my family. I had been on my own in North Carolina before hand. It's not that I couldn't stand being in a bay of 59 other women. It definitely wasn't an ideal situation, but I have come out with some amazing women for friends.

Ok, so if I could handle all that stuff, what was so challenging?

Can you say Beast Week's Obstacle Course, high crawling up a hill? This is one of the things that sticks out in my mind. Many of the other times have blended together to just become a time in my life that I didn't really love, but this...this hill was a challenge. 

I was so scared. I literally started crying as I stood in line with Wirdges and Bouton. I had a helmet & ballistic vest on with an M16 in my hand and there I was as the rain was starting to come down (very picturesque). I was so afraid that I would not actually be able to high crawl up that damn hill, at a 45 degree angle, at least 200 feet, probably more I just can't fathom how many feet would really be in a hill that size. Wirdges told me it would be all right; that she'd be right there by my side. 

She was. She high crawled up that damn hill beside me and encouraged me as the sand got in my eyes, as my helmet fell over my face, as I became exhausted, as I got soaked from the rain, as I got sand in places where no one should get sand...

I have no idea how I really made it up that hill. I don't even know how long it all took. It felt like it was never going to happen, but there I was, getting over the hump in the hill and I was seeing 265/266 building temper tents together.

Since, I have come to the conclusion that the hill should be a metaphor for life and life's many challenges.  Sometimes I am scared to death about doing something.  But, with determination, encouragement, and strong will, I am able to get to struggle up the hill and eventually reach the easier place in the plateau. 

While I might have hated it; While  I might have feared it; I can say that I lived through that...and it has definitely helped to shape who I am.