Decision, Decided.

I have un’amica stretta, "a close friend" in Italian.  Her name is Amie. Her namesake also means "friend" in French.  We have been close friends for many years.  We grew up together in Western New York.  Amie has such strength and determination that I have been able to admire my whole life.  The depth of her love is unbelievable. As a result though, she has been hurt quite deeply and she tends to blame herself. 

A few months ago Amie found out that she was pregnant.  Now, normally this would be cause for great joy and celebration, but Amie was terrified. She and her boyfriend, Scobey, had recently broke up again and she was scared to contact him. But she was also terrified at the fact of making the decision to end the pregnancy and thus, end up being alone for the rest of her life. 

To summarize a long, dramatic story [that will be discussed in a different entry]: Scobey proposed, they planned to get married quickly, but then Scobey changed his mind, called off the wedding, proceeded to lay blame across Amie, and inundate her with charges of being a compulsive liar.

Amie did not know what to do. She had planned on carrying the baby to full term, but she felt hopeless and so mangled.  She felt as though she had been tossed into a dismal, manure filled hole of emotion by Scobey's treatment and words.  

After all that Scobey did to her, she still felt some obligation to speak with him about the baby and the plans she wanted to make for it. He didn't want to talk to her until there was a paternity test completed.  He didn't believe the baby was his and he refused to express his opinion about arrangements until it was proven that it was his.   In the meantime, though, he had no problem threatening to obtain full custody, calling Amie a slut, and blaming her for trapping him into a life that he hadn't wanted. 

Enough, was enough. Amie decided that she did not want Scobey in her life anymore, not even vicariously through the child's existence.  She knew she deserved more than a life of belittlement from a man who used to love her more than anything in the world.  She understood Scobey felt hurt and lied to, but she hadn't lied about anything important and she had never meant to hurt him.  He was the last person in the world she had wanted to cause hurt upon. 

Moreover, she wanted her own life.  She had been wrapped around Scobey's for too long that her life barely resembled her anymore.  Things would not be any different if she decided to have the baby. 

So, Amie made probably the hardest decision of her life. She decided to have her own life; to be unattached to any other human being.  To be stronger than she had ever been before.  She decided to make her own rules. She resolved that if fate or God did not bless her with future happiness based on this decision that she would have to make her own future happiness.

Amie also decided not to tell Scobey. She had mentioned it to him on the phone one night, that she was considering it based on how she was feeling, how he was feeling,  how neither one of them were sure that this was what they really wanted.  He got angry at her, blamed her for his proposal in the first place and "why hadn't she decided this earlier?!?!"

Is Amie selfish? Yes, and she doesn't argue that. She defends herself though, saying that she knows it was the best decision for her, her future, her future children...and even for Scobey and his future.  Cutting the strings now would make the future less painful for the both of them.