My Gut

I had a feeling that he would leave.

This gut feeling that knawed at me throughout the entire deployment. Yet, I stayed. I was sincerely devoted to Maj and being there for him as he went on his nightly missions. I cried myself to sleep some nights, wondering how I could do this to myself. How could I have fallen in love with a guy who was thousands of miles away? How could I believe that he was sincere in his feelings when he had spent such little time together? Did I really believe that things would be wonderful between the two of us when he was finally safe and in the same country? Maybe it was silly of me, but I did...

My gut knew that when I got the phone call in August that he was breaking up with me, after I drove to North Carolina to see him. My gut knew that when he called in September that he was calling off the engagement. My gut knew that although this is what I wanted, it didn't feel right. It wasn't the way it was supposed to be. 

I knew back in September of 2007 that Maj would not be the guy for me. I knew that a long distance relationship between this then-fraternity boy would only end in heartbreak for me because of the lack of commitment (and possibly feelings) he had for me. 

So the moral of the story: When your gut is telling you that this isn't going to work, listen. When your gut is breaking your heart and your dreams, still listen.  Your gut knows the truth and it seeks the truth that your heart wants to ignore. Your heart wants a happy ending. It wants the lace, the fancy cake, and vows. But your gut wants you to be safe. It doesn't want you to know anymore heartbreak than you need to feel. 

According to my best friend Carina, it takes a strong woman to listen to her gut when happily ever after is at your doorstep.