It's been two months since Maj and I broke off our engagement. When we have spoken since it has been nasty, cold, and unlike our previous relationship in all respects. I have wanted to tell him so many things since; say that I am sorry that I hurt him, say that I'll always love him and hope that his future is bright, ask for forgiveness, and hear him say that he forgives me and believes me now.
But a conversation with him is completely out of the question. Not only for him, but I don't want to actually converse because I know it will make me upset. I have been wishing for a meeting with him so that we could say those things listed above to one another. I have been wishing for peace. I have been wishing for an opportunity where I could tell him what I was really feeling without him making me feel worse.
Well, I got my opportunity this morning. I had a dream. In my dream we conversed, apologized, and said our goodbyes to one another.
Have you ever read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert? In her 2nd section of her journey she is in India and she explains how she had wanted a similar meeting with her ex-husband. "How do the survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished business?" she asks(p. 186). Gilbert continues on to tell her readers that, she found the answer within herself. For the purpose of her "meeting" with her ex she meditates and on a rooftop in India he meets her for their farewell event. We "were just two cool blue souls who already understood everything (p. 187)." On a rooftop in India is where she found a place where the "unfinished bleak hallow sadness" of her divorce and relationship with her ex could come to rest (p.187).
For Maj and I, the rooftop was my dream.
His friend McCoy brought us together, in Fayetteville, at a kitchen table in a living room. Maj and I both sat nervously at the table together. He was dressed in a red flannel shirt as he sat there [which is only relevant because in a dream I had when he was deployed we were sitting at a kitchen table and he was dressed in a red flannel- that he has never actually worn!- laughing and joking]. Maj was scrolling through the TV selection, rambling on and on about nothing, as I sat starring at my lap. I didn't want to look at him. I had hurt him just as much as he had hurt me.
Then somehow, we were talking. We were forgiving one another. We told each other that we were sorry that we had hurt the other. Maj and I said we wished things hadn't hone the way they did. Then, we were embracing one another, wishing each other luck. I told him that I hoped he was always safe when he was deployed because I never wanted anything bad to happen to him. He told me that he hoped I was published one day. In fact, he said I better get published one day. We told one another that we would always love one another. We were thankful for the time we had together. That we'd always share a piece of our heart with the other.
I woke up and cried for the very first time in a few weeks. It felt good. I know that the entire scenario wasn't real, but it was my subconscious relinquishing me from blame, regret, guilt, and a good deal of my sadness.
And since I'll never get that face to face meeting with him, I'll take the subconscious' gift of release.
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