The Back Up

There are stories, songs, and friends who all talk about it: Their back up.  Not their back up plan that consists of adoption, moving to a foreign country, or being an accountant.  I'm referring to their back up mate.  The person that they go back to when they are single; the one who they have made a pact with that "if we're 40 and still not married, we'll be together"; the one they refuse to let go of for fear of being truly alone in this big world forever.

I used to have this man who was my back up. Actually I had two. Insurance purposes really. The first was my high school boyfriend Kevin. We dated on and off for over a year and a half, never wanting to be alone. On unspoken terms we had decided we were the back up for each other. While we might have cared about one another, we knew we just couldn't be right for each other. Then there was Jeremy, my crush from high school, who lived in another state.  We'd chat about how we could be together one day, far, far in the future, because we did care about each other and maybe that's just how it was supposed to happen. 

I don't have a back up anymore. Kevin and I no longer speak. Jeremy and I still talk, but I have decided to take him off my list as a back up. I don't want to talk to him only when I am single and lonely. I don't want to think that maybe all these heartbreaks, tears, and rejections will led to a road that is only my second choice.  I don't want to believe that I will end up with someone, just because I don't want to be alone. That's not romantic, and it most certainly isn't even nice. 

I can tell however, that Jeremy has not taken me off his list. That I am still, in his mind, his last resort to find happiness in this crazy and unforgiving world. But he should take me off that list. I don't like knowing that the only reason he speaks to me in volumes is when he is lonely and searching for a friend to care. I do care, I just want more than to be your back up.

I want someone who picks me as their first choice. Not someone who decides that he'll take the pasta dish because they are out of the 18oz Certified Angus Beef Prime Rib.

I want to have my first choice of prime rib too, even if I do love pasta.