Crazy Girl

I wish there was a way to make things better the way my mom did when I had a boo-boo when I was a kid. I wish I could just fix things that I do wrong by giving that person a kiss and saying, "all better!" Sometimes I do stupid things because I care and sometimes I do stupid things because I am terrified to end up in the same place I was before.

Sometimes I am crazy. I am one of those girls who enjoys giving her affection to the man she is dating. I want to see him. I want to spend time with him and I want to talk to him. That is one way that I show my love and affection.  There have been occasions where I start psyching myself out and I start acting crazy around a boyfriend.  I interpret what they're doing as them pushing me away. I forget to stop and think about the other things he is doing to pull me closer and show me he cares and I only focus on the pushing. When I hear "I need space," I take it personally. I wonder what I did wrong to make him want more time away from me.  I begin acting like there is something missing inside of me that keeps a man interested in me and what I have to say.

I'm used to being pushed away.  When I was younger, my grandpa lived with my family and I. No matter what I did to try to please him, to try to make him stay, he didn't want to be with us. He wanted to die. He wanted to leave this world. I wasn't enough to make him stay around.  My dad also pushed me away. When I was young he always told me how we would build my car together and how we would do this and that when I was older. But then I started becoming a teenager.  My dad didn't know what to do with me, so he pushed me away. He didn't have me come out to the barn anymore to help with things.  He used my brothers instead.

And I think I've done it. I pulled the crazy card and I scared my boyfriend, possibly into breaking up with me.  I wish there was a way to fix it, to make it better. To kiss away what I did the way my mother kissed away a "boo-boo." I wish there was a coconut that could fall on his head like in that one commercial that would make him forget what happened this afternoon.  I wish I could take what I did back. I know that I was upset about work and needed someone to be there for me- all I thought of was me. I didn't listen to him and what he needed. I wish I could take it back. I wish there was a cure-all for the crazy thing I did.  Unfortunately, there isn't. Unfortunately, all I can do is wait. All I can do is sit back, try to calm my nerves, and allow him to make his decision about his "crazy girlfriend." And all I can say is, I'm sorry.

Emotional Cripple

I'll be honest. I spent the last six months dating a guy who I thought would eventually turn around and realize what a catch I was.  However, my fairy tale didn't turn out as planned. In fact, it turned out as opposite as I planned. I turned around and realized that I didn't need to continue dating him.  


There are guys who you meet and who you will become involved with where you know that they have been hurt in the past in one fashion or another.  You, are the fiesty, hard-headed, Protestant American, with a "go-forth" attitude in trying to make something with this guy because of your connection. However, there is a wall that is preventing the two of you from getting together.  


It is not that your connection is wrong or that the two of you couldn't be right for one another, but the challenge is in the line in the sand that the guy makes in a self-defense manner.  He doesn't want to get hurt again so it is easier to be emotionally crippled; to not deal with the emotions and the pain again, the drama he calls it. You try to understand, try to be sympthetic and wait until he comes around and is so engrossed by your strength and beauty and drive that it forces him out of the shell he has crammed his emotions into.  


But the fact is no matter how great you are or caring in the attempt to demonstrate that you're not like the one who hurt him, that you are in fact going to be there and care for him, you can't.  You can't crack his shell no matter what you do.  It has to come from himself.  He has to want his shell to come open and try again.  If he is not willing to lay his heart open, even with caution, then there is nothing you can do to make him do it.  


So leave it be. Let him lay with himself, with his lack of emotion and his inability to feel.  Because you can feel and you feel how much it truly is hurting you. You can feel the neglect. You can feel the void. 


Eventually if a relationship is what you are searching for but are unable to obtain it from your emotional cripple, you need to walk away.  It is better to make the decision to walk away from a man's indecision and unemotional attachment to you.  Rather than allowing weeks of dating to turn into months, or years, waiting for him to wake up and notice what is at his side, walk away.  


Truthfully, he might never wake up, no matter how great and understanding you are. You have to walk away for you. You are a feeling human being and you need to spend your time on someone who is willing to put his heart next to yours.  Sure it still might not bring you happily ever after with the next guy but you won't be waiting for the emotional cripple to explain to you that he is never coming around to be with you. 


Get out while you can and find a man who has a past, accepts it, and wants a chance to link his heart with yours.

Jumping Through Hoops

There are some people who have these awe-inspiring love stories of a couple who went through hell and back in order to be together. There are couples who endured some long distance because of jobs.  There are couples who have to fight back against resistance from friends, family, and/or traditions.  There are couples who had to an extreme juggling act between work, family, and other commitments.  But there are also couples who only jump through the hoops of everyday life: The balancing act between work, family, friends, and extras that make you an individual.

I think the important thing to remember in a relationship is that there needs to be a little hoop jumping.  Not because it needs to be this big gesture, which it is, but because when you jump through some hoops to be with someone (to experience a big day for them, to make a trip to visit their family in California, to buy something you know they need) you demonstrate not only to them, but to everyone else that you are committed to this person in your life. You aren't just showing up in their life. You're making effort.

Every good relationship needs effort to be made. And both parties need to be willing to jump through hoops now and again in order to make the relationship work.

18 Year Old Girls

As we get older, women are told, "the younger version of ourselves are coming. Coming to take our jobs. Coming to take our husbands."  I always thought that it was something that was said on Sex and the City.  I didn't believe this really happened in real life. 


Until it did. Until I was replaced by a newly graduated high school senior.  


I was amazed. Enraged. Upset. Confused. Baffled. Taken Aback.  Hurt. 


I couldn't understand how this little girl with limited life experience had gone in and swooped up this guy who I thought was a man who valued experience and knowledge in the women he was dating.  A guy who has had his fair share of experiences.  What the hell could they possibly have in common? What the hell could they talk about?


What I think hurt the most is that he never was forthcoming about it all. I had to find out from someone else. I had to find out that I was being phased out.  Because he wasn't man enough, or mature enough to tell me himself, even though he was given multiple opportunities.  


Then again, maybe in this instance it isn't the 18 year old girls who are the enemy.  Maybe it's the guys we are dating. They are the enemy because they choose to be immature. They choose to play with our feelings. They choose to act like they are 18 year boys who don't know any better and don't care to.  Maybe the enemy isn't the little girl who thinks she is charming with her stupidity; maybe it's really the guy who choosing her young stupidity over a woman who has a clue and knows her worth.  


I knew my worth. I knew I was exhausted of the dating game we were playing and even if that 18 year old hadn't stumbled in, I was throwing in the towel if he wasn't going to make our relationship official.  


She just gave me a better out. She gave me a better reason to see the guy for who he really was (or was trying to be again) and I was able to walk away without feeling like I had made a rash decision to end things.  


Maybe 18 year old girls are good for something. 


Maybe they are like these big road block signs, with the flashing lights that line highways during the summer. Maybe the 18 year old girls who come in and swoop up the men we are dating show us that we aren't with someone who is serious, committed, or interested in true worth and value.  Those 18 year old girls show us what we've really been dealing with all along and what has been hidden beneath an experienced facade of a boy posing as a man.  

My Version of Happy

I am guilty of being jealous. Honestly, I am typically jealous of something or someone at least once every single day. Sometimes it is another girl, sometimes it's someone's past, sometimes it's someone's new opportunity that I love love to have.  As much as I try to not be jealous, to think about the good things in my own life, I struggle.

However, today, as I was rearranging things in my room at my parents' house I stumbled upon perhaps the truth and core of my jealousy.  I'm jealous of how another person's life LOOKS...but do I realize how my own looks?

It's tough to look at your own life objectively; to stare at it through another person's eyes because you are so personally connected to the innermost workings in your own life.

Just because I don't have what someone else has, is that bad? Does it mean my own life is not worthy or celebration, joy, or praise?

As I stand on the cusp of my quarter-life crisis, I wonder...do I really need those things that I am jealous of? Do I need those things to be happy?  Other women might, but do I?

Would an engagement make me happy? Would buying a house make me happy? Would having my dream job make me happy? Would having that new Jeep Wrangler delight me [probably]?

I am certain that at some point in my life those things will come into my life to make me happy. They will arrive just when they need to.  But for right now, I don't need them.

What do I need? I need excitement, craziness, new experiences that differ from my friends/family, adventure, a stirring of new emotions, and a chance to do something I NEVER dreamed of doing up until a few months ago.  That's what I need right now to make me happy...and guess what?


I have those things. 

It Has To Be Great

This afternoon I attended my cousin Saucy's bridal shower up in Duluth.  It was a fun, new experience for me. None of my close friends have gotten engaged yet, so Saucy is the first of my wedding experiences as a grown woman.

While at the shower I was introduced to her future mother-in-law. She was a wonderful woman who was so nice to me instantly when I explained to her that I was in the Air Force.  She apparently has a very close friend who is a commander at one of the bases in Iowa. Anyways, apparently I came across to this Southern woman as a "lovely" girl [see Yankees do have charm!].

After the opening of the presents and posing for photographs, my Aunt J asked me what I thought about all the wedding hoopla and chaos- insinuating if I would one day like it too.  I replied that it seemed fun, and that yes, maybe one day; but first I actually need the man!  Well Saucy's future MIL overheard and was shocked that I didn't have a boyfriend.  "You're really not dating anyone? You're darling." Nope. Single Gal.

She then turned to me and said, "The best piece of advice I ever received from my mother was: 'if you're dating and it's not great...then it's never going to be great.'"  The future MIL continued: "Think about it. You want it to be great during the initial dating stages because eventually you will become more comfortable with one another, and you'll relax on the way you interact together.  But if it's not something you are enjoying or happy with from the beginning, it is never going to get any better the longer you are together."

Such a simple word of advice: "It has to be great in the beginning. If it's not, then get out."

Why had I never heard that before? It seems to me that in today's world, women are told that if a man acts like this, or like that, then you should take one course of action or another [He's Just Not That Into You, for instance].  But this was different. This wasn't a woman looking for signs or action, instead this came from the woman herself.

It translates to: If you don't feel like you are getting love and affection that satisfies your needs early on, honey it ain't never gonna happen.  So dump the fool. You need to make yourself happy by having a relationship you think is great from the start.


So ladies, please take note. I know I did. I thought about it all the way on the drive home.  Is your relationship at the beginning stages? Are you happy? Are your love/affection needs being met? That's the great thing about this piece of advice: it depends on you. You are the key. You are the person evaluating your own needs and assessing whether or not they are being met.  Empowering to say the least.

My Mr. Right

I'm in love with Luke Bryan.  If you've read previous blog entries or know me personally you already know this undeniable fact about me.  Whenever I get out of a relationship I fall back on him, and he catches me every time.  To me, he is the ideal man; my perfect mate; my Mr. Right.

Now, I realize I do not personally know Luke Bryan, but the "Luke Bryan" that I do know, I am madly in love with as he personifies the attributes I would like to find in a man.

"Luke" grew up on his family peanut farm in Leesburg, Georgia.  I love Georgia and Leesburg is very country.  He has wanted to be a singer since he was young and planned to go to Nashville after high school graduation.  However, his brother unexpectedly passed away and he changed his plans to stay near his family.  Instead, he enrolled at Georgia Southern and became a brother of Sigma Chi.  Afterwards he went back to his family's farm and helped out.  Eventually he chose to pursue his dream of music and moved to Nashville. He worked for nearly 10 years trying to achieve his dream of a record label and hit songs.  But he didn't give up. He kept chasing his dream, even though it didn't happen over night [which is crazy. Why wouldn't you sign a voice like his?!] Personally, I hope to have the same story in a few years. Go from being the farmer's daughter to having a successful career in a big city.  He is also into fishing, camping, and all those outdoorsy-country man activities.  His songs, tell me a lot about him too.  He has many party songs- songs about drinking beer and having a great time.  He has songs about falling in love; so he has a sweet side to him.  He has songs about family and where he grew up.  He has break up songs; so he has been hurt before too.  He isn't defined by one emotion or one attitude. He has many different and exciting facets of his personality.

Yes, I sound crazy. And I promise I am well aware that he is married and completely unattainable. However, a Single Gal needs some comfort in her life. Someone to rely on when the depths of loneliness haunt her nights.  That's where "Luke" comes in. Not only can I go to his music and listen as he comforts me, but he also helps me think that there is a guy out there for me...somewhere. And right now my goal is to figure out the check list I need to help me find My Mr. Right.