My Version of Happy

I am guilty of being jealous. Honestly, I am typically jealous of something or someone at least once every single day. Sometimes it is another girl, sometimes it's someone's past, sometimes it's someone's new opportunity that I love love to have.  As much as I try to not be jealous, to think about the good things in my own life, I struggle.

However, today, as I was rearranging things in my room at my parents' house I stumbled upon perhaps the truth and core of my jealousy.  I'm jealous of how another person's life LOOKS...but do I realize how my own looks?

It's tough to look at your own life objectively; to stare at it through another person's eyes because you are so personally connected to the innermost workings in your own life.

Just because I don't have what someone else has, is that bad? Does it mean my own life is not worthy or celebration, joy, or praise?

As I stand on the cusp of my quarter-life crisis, I wonder...do I really need those things that I am jealous of? Do I need those things to be happy?  Other women might, but do I?

Would an engagement make me happy? Would buying a house make me happy? Would having my dream job make me happy? Would having that new Jeep Wrangler delight me [probably]?

I am certain that at some point in my life those things will come into my life to make me happy. They will arrive just when they need to.  But for right now, I don't need them.

What do I need? I need excitement, craziness, new experiences that differ from my friends/family, adventure, a stirring of new emotions, and a chance to do something I NEVER dreamed of doing up until a few months ago.  That's what I need right now to make me happy...and guess what?


I have those things. 

It Has To Be Great

This afternoon I attended my cousin Saucy's bridal shower up in Duluth.  It was a fun, new experience for me. None of my close friends have gotten engaged yet, so Saucy is the first of my wedding experiences as a grown woman.

While at the shower I was introduced to her future mother-in-law. She was a wonderful woman who was so nice to me instantly when I explained to her that I was in the Air Force.  She apparently has a very close friend who is a commander at one of the bases in Iowa. Anyways, apparently I came across to this Southern woman as a "lovely" girl [see Yankees do have charm!].

After the opening of the presents and posing for photographs, my Aunt J asked me what I thought about all the wedding hoopla and chaos- insinuating if I would one day like it too.  I replied that it seemed fun, and that yes, maybe one day; but first I actually need the man!  Well Saucy's future MIL overheard and was shocked that I didn't have a boyfriend.  "You're really not dating anyone? You're darling." Nope. Single Gal.

She then turned to me and said, "The best piece of advice I ever received from my mother was: 'if you're dating and it's not great...then it's never going to be great.'"  The future MIL continued: "Think about it. You want it to be great during the initial dating stages because eventually you will become more comfortable with one another, and you'll relax on the way you interact together.  But if it's not something you are enjoying or happy with from the beginning, it is never going to get any better the longer you are together."

Such a simple word of advice: "It has to be great in the beginning. If it's not, then get out."

Why had I never heard that before? It seems to me that in today's world, women are told that if a man acts like this, or like that, then you should take one course of action or another [He's Just Not That Into You, for instance].  But this was different. This wasn't a woman looking for signs or action, instead this came from the woman herself.

It translates to: If you don't feel like you are getting love and affection that satisfies your needs early on, honey it ain't never gonna happen.  So dump the fool. You need to make yourself happy by having a relationship you think is great from the start.


So ladies, please take note. I know I did. I thought about it all the way on the drive home.  Is your relationship at the beginning stages? Are you happy? Are your love/affection needs being met? That's the great thing about this piece of advice: it depends on you. You are the key. You are the person evaluating your own needs and assessing whether or not they are being met.  Empowering to say the least.

My Mr. Right

I'm in love with Luke Bryan.  If you've read previous blog entries or know me personally you already know this undeniable fact about me.  Whenever I get out of a relationship I fall back on him, and he catches me every time.  To me, he is the ideal man; my perfect mate; my Mr. Right.

Now, I realize I do not personally know Luke Bryan, but the "Luke Bryan" that I do know, I am madly in love with as he personifies the attributes I would like to find in a man.

"Luke" grew up on his family peanut farm in Leesburg, Georgia.  I love Georgia and Leesburg is very country.  He has wanted to be a singer since he was young and planned to go to Nashville after high school graduation.  However, his brother unexpectedly passed away and he changed his plans to stay near his family.  Instead, he enrolled at Georgia Southern and became a brother of Sigma Chi.  Afterwards he went back to his family's farm and helped out.  Eventually he chose to pursue his dream of music and moved to Nashville. He worked for nearly 10 years trying to achieve his dream of a record label and hit songs.  But he didn't give up. He kept chasing his dream, even though it didn't happen over night [which is crazy. Why wouldn't you sign a voice like his?!] Personally, I hope to have the same story in a few years. Go from being the farmer's daughter to having a successful career in a big city.  He is also into fishing, camping, and all those outdoorsy-country man activities.  His songs, tell me a lot about him too.  He has many party songs- songs about drinking beer and having a great time.  He has songs about falling in love; so he has a sweet side to him.  He has songs about family and where he grew up.  He has break up songs; so he has been hurt before too.  He isn't defined by one emotion or one attitude. He has many different and exciting facets of his personality.

Yes, I sound crazy. And I promise I am well aware that he is married and completely unattainable. However, a Single Gal needs some comfort in her life. Someone to rely on when the depths of loneliness haunt her nights.  That's where "Luke" comes in. Not only can I go to his music and listen as he comforts me, but he also helps me think that there is a guy out there for me...somewhere. And right now my goal is to figure out the check list I need to help me find My Mr. Right.

Cold Hard Fact

There comes a point in every woman's life where she comes to accept some very real and true cold hard facts about herself.  This morning, I accepted one very cold hard fact about myself: I am no longer in college and therefore can no longer drink like I am in college.


Yes, I am a woman. I am no longer that cute 22 year old Senior who can go out Wednesday night for $1 Long Islands, Thursday night for 25cent drafts, and dance on the speakers on Friday and Saturday night at Sportsgarden.  Nope, it's official. I am old and I have to learn to drink as though I am old.


Last night I went out with a sister from college and one of her co-workers.  We talked the big game about how we three Yankees were going to spend our first big night out in Atlanta looking to charm a new Southern gentlemen.  We were just going to be ourselves; what Southern man couldn't resist our blunt Northern "charm?"


Needlesstosay there were very few gentlemen who were charmed by our Yankee-ness. Or perhaps the mixing of beer, liquor, and jello shots created a night that I can not fully recall. Regardless of the male company we kept or lacked, last night was a very fun night with two women who I am glad live near me in the South.  Us Yankees need to stick together sometimes and I stumbled upon a very fun night.  


So cold hard facts.  When you're nearing 25, it's all right that you can no longer mix your alcohol like you are 21.  And it's also right to go out and just be you...even if at the end of the night you're going home with your girlfriends. 

Deciding to be a Single Gal

After much deliberation…err... actually, more like  recently some mild heartbreak, I have   rethought the possibility of remaining single…for the rest of my life.  Why would I want to do that, you ask? What would be the benefit to doing such a thing? Don't you want to get married, have someone by your side, and children?  

Of course, I want all those things. I dream of having a man who truly cares about me, who tries to take care of me, while I try my best to care for him.  I would like a family, children, and that caring man to grow old with. You know, someone to nag me about taking my pills and someone who will be there to call the hospital after I keel over. 

But guy after guy, I wonder if that if I took the approach "I'm going to be a Single Gal forever" that I might fair better in this game called love.  Perhaps if I ONLY focus on me, perhaps if I not concerned about screwing up potential relationships, then Mr. Right could come walking through the door.

Maybe if Im not looking or thinking about him than maybe he will be drawn to me.  

So I've decided. L.G. is going to be single from now on. I'm speaking with Samantha Jones right now to complete my "Never Getting Married" file.  

And then, if I don't ever get married, if my happily ever after is a solo show, then I'll be content with that fact. I wont be harboring the desire for something else. I wont be looking for something else or someone else to make me feel like I'm a complete adult.  Then maybe I'll be happy being alone. 

After all, as Charlotte asked, "Would it really be such a terrible thing [to be single for the rest of my life]?"

I certainly like myself more than I have ever loved a man, so maybe I'll just be content on being that forever Single Gal who works on herself, who creates a better world for more than just one person, or a few children.  Maybe by being a Single Gal I can truly do something that is worth being remembered for.  Maybe by being single I can bring more hope to my students. Maybe I can further my education without feeling guilty. Maybe I can teach in Italy for a semester like I've always dreamed of. Maybe I can go to Officer School and get deployed without feeling bad about leaving my significant other.  Maybe by being a single gal I can do me and in the process become much better than if I had ever been attached to a man in the first place….

Lesson Learned

When we break up with someone, women are typically the ones who ask, "What did you learn? How did you grow?"


My answer is always: "I didn't learn anything."


This might only be partially true; I don't fully acknowledge that I have "learned" something from a failed relationship.  But the question I like to ask is: "Why do I have to learn something?"


Why is it that women search for meaning in failed relationships? Is it because we hope that if we learn something that we won't date another wrong man? Or that we will magically grow more as women because we have found a deeper, more meaningful lesson in heartbreak than love could ever give us in a lifetime?


I have to come to believe that if we women state that we have learned this or that than we justify spending time with that person. If we have learned something through our heartache than we have grown as women and ultimately into a better person who more deeply understands human nature.  Perhaps if we learned something we won't repeat the same mistake again.  


Even if you "learn something," why must you admit it? Why must you point out that you had to go through this relationship's failing in order to better understand something about yourself, how you act in relationships, etc.?  Or could you have learned that something on your own or without the relationship crumbling to bits?


Mostly, what I have learned from my failed relationship is how to be insecure. Every time I break up with a man he tells me how I screwed it up, or how I wasn't good enough, or what I did wrong.   While I'm already aware that I am not a perfect individual, having my flaws constantly pointed out to me as I exit a relationship does nothing to aide my confidence.  Which is why I remain insecure about my shortcomings to this day.  


This time around, however, I am trying not to listen to what he said to me on that day that I walked away. What I am trying to do instead is evaluate and analyze from my perspective, taking bits and pieces of his, to conclude what sort of "lesson" I might take away from this F relationship.  Moreover, I am trying to figure out how I might fix those shortcomings myself.    How can I be less insecure?  How can I demonstrate that I care without coming off as needy? How can I be less impatient? 


I let you know when I've learned my lesson and when I come up with answers to create a healthy and successful relationship.  

Upcoming Nuptuals

My very favorite and dearest cousin is getting married! She and her fiance Ben got engaged in April and now the planning has begun!


 My cousin is about 7 months older than me so I was, at first, a little hesitant when she told me that Ben popped the question.  I was worried that in the midst of her "growing up" she and I would grow apart-- we've only started to grow closer as we've gotten older, seen each other more often (we lived 15 hours apart when we were younger), and I was really enjoying our friendship [especially since I was making plans to move south and would ultimately be much closer - distance wise- than we had been our entire lives]. 


Apparently she was a little concerned as well. Not so much that we might grow apart as she moved to a new and exciting stage in her life, but that she was talking about the wedding/marriage stuff too much.  Now, I am known to be cynical about weddings, love, marriage, and related jazz.  However, as I explained to my cousin, with her it was different.  I felt included in the journey to her new life, which is why I think I was so happy for her. I was reassured that I wasn't getting left behind. She asked me to be in the bridal party, she bounced ideas off of me about stuff for the wedding (which I loved to indulge in), she explained that I would be invited to many dinner parties at her new place with the hubby, and that she would try to find me a nice Southern gentleman from Atlanta.  


Yes, she was getting married, but her relationships [at least as far as I was concerned] were not going to change drastically. 


Since I felt included in her new life, I was welcoming when she wanted to talk about it. I know she is excited about the wedding; I understand that she is a little stressed about budgeting for the wedding; and I understand that she is nervous about getting married. She loves Ben very much and she doesn't want to end up divorced,  like her parents and our grandmother.  Who can blame her? I don't believe any of us want that and we all hope that that day never follows the "I dos."  


So this bridesmaid is not unwelcoming of wedding talk, shop, and activities. At this moment in time, at least for my cousin's wedding, L.G. is pro-marriage. 


Plus, my bridesmaid dress is hot. And I won't even need to shorten it in order to wear it again! ;-) [27 Dresses, anyone?!?]

#1

Sometimes I wonder if I am too selfless. If I have been beaten down so much during the times when I was selfish, that I ceased to be that way, and am from now on too selfless when it comes to dating.  So my question tonight...when dating, do I, the woman, have to be #1 in her man's life?

Is it essential to be the most important thing in a man's life? Do I have to be the #1 priority, every day, all day, from day one in order to feel as though I matter to him?

Life is made up of so many more things than that one relationship you have with a significant other. There are jobs, school, family obligations, bills, personal goals/dreams, fears...just LIFE. So out of all those things that make up a person's life...if we are together, do I have to be #1?

Some of my friends would argue, yes. You need to be #1 in a relationship with a man, from the very beginning. If you aren't #1, and he doesn't treat you like it, than you should move on and find someone who will.

But...I argue this. Actually my brain and heart have been duking it out all day, mulling over this question. 

My mother and father have been married for over 25 years. My parents are not the lovey-dovey couples you see on TV. They fight, they get mad at each other, but they talk to one another. My parents respect each other. They care about one another. But they are not a perfect couple either. However, they are my example of a mostly-good relationship. 

My mother is not #1. She was definitely not #1 when my dad was farming when my parents first got married. The farm was #1.  There are moments when my mother is #1. My dad will change the floor in the kitchen to the design she wants. He will pick her flowers and bring them in the house for her. He will fix her car for her.

So does being #1, the most important and focal point of a man's life, really need be my #1 priority when assessing my relationship? Am I naive when I am understanding about a man's prior commitments and more important priorities?

Or am I just too selfless? Do I not give my self enough credit? Do I project the image of a woman lacking self worth if I let a man prioritize other things in his life over me?

Is it ok, not to be #1 24/7?

Goal #2

2. Make a palpable difference in a student's life. [off my Before I'm 30 blog list]

While I have yet to establish my teaching career, I am certain that there were a few students that I actually was able to make a difference in their life. 

During my second placement (perhaps my first placement had been a huge rough draft when it came to connecting with students), I know I made a difference. I know that the 7th graders in my class really liked me (maybe not 100%, but I'd say 95% without a doubt!).

One of my students told me about how upset she had been the last few weeks because her sister, a person she considered to be one of her best friends, had moved out of the house. She hadn't spoken to her sister in weeks and had found, via Facebook that her sister was in a new relationship and apparently doing well for her self.  She was devastated.  She told me she had a stomach ache every day because she was so upset over the loss of her sister's companionship and feared she'd never come home and that their relationship would never be like it was before. 

One of my male students took to me instantly.  He had been having some trouble in school, academically, but appeared to be starting to flourish just as I arrived.  While he didn't go from a 70 to a 90, he did however come to class every morning with a happy demeanor, as though he was just happy with himself and how he was doing.  Other teachers could tell he definitely took to me and was interested in class now that I was there.

There were other instances that I could reminisce about, demonstrating that I achieved Goal #2 of my 24th year, but the one that speaks volumes was a letter I received from one female student on my last day.  It read:

"You are awesome. Now I actually care about Social Studies! You teach in a special way that really lets me understand. You aren't too strict, or too laid back. You are as close to perfect as any student teacher I have ever had the pleasure to meet. THANK YOU!" :)

I think that's palpable.

My Grandfather's Lesson

A month ago, my grandfather died. He was one of my most favorite persons in my life.  There are very few times in my life that I ever remember him being mad at me. My grandfather adored me; and I adored him back.  He was very proud of me, always bragging about my going to college down in "Alleghenia" as he called it.

I admired him: my Papa had been born in Italy during the Great Depression, he had been in the Italian army before WWII broke out, and then was forced to continue serving during the war.  He left Italy, seeing it as a place where there were limited opportunities.  After receiving a letter from relatives in Canada, he traveled by boat from Naples to Hailifax, Nova Scotia, with, as he told me, $10 in his pocket.  Most of that money was gone by the time he paid for train passage and food to Niagara Falls, Ontario.  He worked at the Gerber Baby Food factory and met my grandmother at a dance.  In 1960 he, my grandmother, mother, and uncle moved to the states and took up residence in Niagara Falls, New York.  He and my grandmother traveled- to California, to Atlantic City, to my great-uncle's cottage up on Lake George.  At 65, 6 months after I was born, he retired from the Brick Layer's Union and with my grandmother took care of me most days while my mother was at work. 

He liked to give me phases of advice, such as: "You gotta marry the President's son" and "You gotta go to college, you can't wash the dishes."  Quite the forward feminist thinker, yet conservative mindset my grandfather had there.  He told me some stories about growing up in Italy and some about the war- never the ones I asked about, however.  The war stories were minimal and usually full of jokes.  As though it was a time he had blocked out of his memory.  I however, I wanted to know as much as I could. I wanted to know in what battles my grandfather had been engaged in.  Yet, I never will know the answer to those questions now. 

He told me of loss. The loss of his cousin/best friend during the war.  When I came to him with a broken heart over a boy, he made it seem like he understood- always telling me that there is someone better out there. Many other boys.  That it would happen for me.  [I just wish he could have seen it come true.]

So many conversations; so many afternoons spent in the summer sun or in the front room;  Chauffering him to Canada to see his sister; Getting him something to drink; Hearing him call me "dollie."

I learned so much from him. I didn't think I was like him at all (except for maybe my temper at times), but as he was lying in the hospital this past March, barely saying a word, I realized that I was very much like him. 

I saw that there was nothing for me where I had grown up.  Yes, Western New York was a great place to live; just like Rome had been for him, but there wasn't anything there for me.  The only thing that was keeping me there was my family and I was an adult now and needed to make my own way.  A different way. 

While his leaving and journey were probably more leaps of faith than mine were, the reason behind the leap was the same: the chance at a better life for myself and my future.  I like to imagine the life I'm forging here in Georgia will be the place where I meet my future husband and have my children...I wonder if my grandfather thought the same way about being in Canada.

And hopefully, just like my grandfather, the leap of faith, the chance I am taking so far away from home will bring me a greater and more grander life than I could only dream of when I was living in Western New York. 

One Year Later

They always say, you never know what can happen. You never know where your life will take you.  This year/ the past 2 years, those sentiments are ringing true.

June 1, 2010- I was a week into taking my first semester of classes for my Master of Science in Secondary Education.  I was going to be a teacher. Or at least...that was the plan.  I was still a little unsure that this was what I wanted to do.  I wasn't sure I would be a good teacher.

June 1, 2010- I was back to living with my family as I attended grad school.

June 1, 2010- Maj and I were dating. I was on the cusp of deciding that I didn't want to move down to North Carolina to be with him in September. This is where the hardcore fighting began. 

** One Year Later**

I feel like, if this were a movie, there would be this great instrumental number in the background. The scene would fade to black with the writing, centered at the bottom of the screen, telling the audience that a year has passed since those aforementioned scenes occurred.  Sending the subliminal message that much has changed in the main character's path.

June 1, 2011- 11 days ago I graduated from the Masters program.  Today, I received notification from the state that my application for Teacher Certification has been accepted.  I am legally certified to be a professional teacher.  I can now get paid to do what I thoroughly enjoy! (Just have to find that job!)

June 1, 2011- 10 days ago I moved from my parent's house to an apartment in Georgia.  If you've read any of my blog posts from last fall you might notice that I fell in love with this place back in late September- early October when I came to see a Luke Bryan concert and visit with my cousin.  I knew then that this was where I wanted to start the next phase in my life.  So here I am! Trying to start that next phase!! Trying to shape my dreams into reality!

June 1, 2011- Maj and the drama is a distant memory. I feel like a completely different woman- mostly because I am.  I won't settle. I won't let someone put down my dreams and goals. I don't want someone who just wants me to be with them and not strive for my own personal satisfactions in life.  The girl I was back in June 2010 has left the room.  She has grown up. She knows what she wants. She is doing the best she can at getting it and she only wants people in her life who are supportive and loving.

So what has the main character learned from all this, besides, "a lot can happen in a year?" A lot can happen in a year only if you listen to your heart, go with your gut, and JUMP. Life is about taking chances.  Life can't change in a year if chances aren't taken.