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| Kate Spade |
In keeping with it being January, I found this pretty white bangle from Kate Spade. Engraved on the inside are the words "Clean Slate."
Have you ever wanted a clean slate with someone or something? Was it after you embarrassed yourself? Or after you said something you really didn't mean?
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say to someone that you wanted to start over? That you wanted to begin again. Forget all the mistakes, the fights, the hurtful words?
Perhaps you're only able to get a true clean slate when you start anew with someone else. After you've forgiven yourself.
Do you believe in signs? Things that happen in your life that tell you what you need to do? Or what path you need to jump onto before its too late?
I had one such sign. It was September 1, 2010. I was walking down the street outside of the hospital to go visit my grandpa. As I was crossing the street I heard this little boy's voice yell from a car, "Ms. G." I turned and looked. I couldn't believe it, but it was Marquillis, one of the students I had during the summer literacy camp. I shouted and waved back at him, as he and his mother sat in their car before the light turned green.
I had just come from the education office at my graduate school to tell them that I would not be starting classes in the fall semester. I was getting married & Maj wanted me to move down to North Carolina to be with him.
But as Marquillis drove away, I couldn't help but think that perhaps I had made a huge mistake. If it had been any other student, it might not have registered that I could possibly be on the verge of messing up my future.
The reason Marquillis quelled this fear inside of me was the fact that I had earned his trust and friendship throughout the course of the summer camp. I became one of his favorite teachers after the lesson I taught where I let the students dress up in a piece of my military uniform. The boys seemed to agree that Ms. G was pretty cool now that they knew I worked on airplanes. Marquillis even sat with me the one day during gym time while the other students were in the pool. He talked my ear off about all sorts of different things and gave me two of his coveted silly bands that were all the rage with my middle school students.
Perhaps seeing Marquillis on that day was a sign that I should be a teacher. That being a teacher and connecting with students was my real calling or mission in life. That I shouldn't give that up for some boy.
I'm not sure if Marquillis was a sign or not, but the thought of that moment certainly helped me to stand up to Maj and to not back down as he was arguing with me on the phone the following day. Although Maj ultimately did the official pulling of the plug [and truly did hurt me] I did not back down to him the way I previously had on most things. I stood my ground and that is what ultimately caused him to end it.
All through the fall semester I kept thinking back to Marquillis. He had given me the strength I needed. He gave me the confidence I needed. I hope that somewhere during summer camp I was able to give him these things as well.
I still have the silly bands he gave to me. They are wrapped around my parking brake in my car, always a reminder that I am a teacher and that I should be one. Marquillis saw it in me & I need to see it in myself.
I recently went out for coffee with someone who used to be my closest friend in the entire world. He used to know everything about me. He used to understand me. However, time and circumstance have separated us in nearly every manner possible, yet I attempted to get together with him to catch up, as he was always asking me to every time he was in the area.
He said he had been keeping up with me by reading my blog posts. I was shocked to even hear that he cared that much. But then he went on to tell me that I sounded like a "hurt little girl" in my entries. I didn't get angry when he told me this, but I did get a bit defensive.
I am not a hurt little girl.
Yes, I have been hurt in the past, and especially hurt a few months ago. However, I am good. I feel stronger and more independent than I ever have. I stood up for myself and my beliefs in this past relationship and even though I did desperately want it to work out, it didn't. I grieved [as you have read], I've thought deeply about everything that occurred, tried to make sense of it all, and to be honest I really do feel good about it all. I thought things would turn out differently, but really I do feel great.
Sometimes I feel lonely, but I was lonely even when I was dating Maj. So nothing has changed there. But I have put all my energies into creating a better self that the hurt little girl within me has disappeared. She might be still lingering...a mere 3-5% left within me, but I think that is normal now that I am 24.
I mean let's face it. If you're in your mid-20s and you are still single there is a pretty good chance you have been hurt at least once before by someone you loved [or thought you loved]. Scars, some of them at least, never heal permanently. That scar tissue is always present. You're not like Wolverine- your injuries don't disappear and seem as though they never occurred.
Yet, there is a big difference between 3-5% and being characterized as a "hurt little girl." And if he still thinks I am after my defense at coffee and reading this...then I can't help him. I simply know how I feel. And I feel wonderful.
Ah yes, its January. And that means I have been avoiding the gym for the past week due to the fact that so many people make it their New Years Resolution to get back into shape, get healthier...which means my machine is constantly occupied.
However, I went back today, and it made me think about how wonderful it is to have a fresh start. A fresh start to me, means whipping the slate clean. Erasing the mistakes you've made; perhaps some nasty things that you've done or said; learning from the past and vowing not do have a do over.
The great thing about fresh starts...they don't only come around once a year. They can come around whenever you deem them necessary for you to have a happy, full life.
Fresh starts can come around on January 1. They can occur after a messy-breakup-healing process is complete. A fresh start can begin on Tuesday...simply because you weren't ready on Monday. It can happen when you move to a new city. When you start a new job. When you attend a new school.
Possibilities of when a fresh start can occur are endless. And I think that is what is so refreshing about them. There is no "date" they have to occur. They can happen simply because you've decided you need a fresh start.
So one of my more private resolutions that I have for this year is about trying to act less like a girl. I didn't share it with you, because I didn't share some of my other resolutions [like making my bed every morning, etc]. However, I told my friend Sean about the resolution and he thinks I should stay the way I am. Which is why I am now writing about it. Why I need to act less like a girl in 2011.
This is what I mean. Girls tend to over analyze everything! We see something posted on Facebook and we call up our friends to have them help us dissect what it could possibly mean about our bf, the guy we're seeing, an ex, etc. Same goes for text messages and voice mails. How many times have you had a friend listen to a voicemail left by a guy or forwarded a text sent by the man in question just to get another viewpoint on what must really be going on behind closed doors [aka: in his head]?!?!
I have done it way too many times to count. Way too many times to be ashamed of. And this year, I just want to take most of what a guy says to me at face value and how I take it at first glance. Do I see what he says as flirting and joking around with me? Yes? Ok, good, no need to get all the girls on the phone to see what their take is. They don't know him, his humor, or the humor that we share together.
This is not to say I will not talk to my friends about the guy I am seeing. No, I'm simply referring to stop being such a girl by dissecting every word that is exchanged.
The second part of being a girl is thinking that I need constant day-to-day communication with the guy I'm seeing. Is this really necessary? Do I really care what he is up to? I mean, to an extent yea, of course, but at the same time I don't really need to know that he is having a boring day at work. Do I wanna hear about him remodeling his house? Sure! At least that gives me an insight into him and his personality when he talks about how he envisions the final product that he's created.
Moreover, does he really need to hear about how I recently, seriously cleaned the crap out of my house? How I organized every surface and every piece of paper in my possession? No, not really. I'd just rather have him come over and see my final product. I mean we aren't married here; he doesn't need to know every detail of my life and I don't need to know every detail of his.
The third part is to not stress over that guy I'm seeing. This right here is not my strong point- EVER. As my best guy friend, Nate, has pointed out over the years, I'm just not content unless I'm worrying about something. Unfortunately he is right. I don't let things just flow and run their course. Instead, I will construct a dam to stop them from happening, I will place sandbags on the river bank so there is no flood, and I will quickly, fervently dig a tributary so that things go my way. That's just the way I am. I chalk it up to being a typical Type A personality.
So this year, I'm trying to release. I'm trying not to control. I'm trying to be chill. Trying. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm putting effort into it. I'm trying to let things go slow. For them to evolve as naturally as they can [I do put some effort into this, but for the most part I am relinquishing all my control freak tendencies].
Hopefully, after all this effort I'll get my birthday wish...
Going through Barnes & Nobles yesterday I stumbled upon a realization as I walked into the "Relationship" section of the store. What was the realization?! That all these books are telling us how we are supposed to play the dating game; how we are supposed to act in order to land a man; who is going to be our Mr. Right. I even picked up one of these books [Why Men Loves Bitches to be exact, because Kim always tells me I need to read it].
What I also realized is that even within one book there is conflicting information. Moreover, many of these guidelines that are floating out there in "relationship-wanted" space differ from how I would view you are supposed to treat someone once you are in a relationship. Is it really that difficult? Do we really need this much guidance? Should we really analyze and scrutinize every moment, word, gesture, and deed that occurs when you are just starting to date someone?
Simply, I don't think it is all so necessary.
While I definitely think some of the points made in the books are valid and should be something that both men and women follow when they are dating someone, I also feel like these things shouldn't only occur at the outset of dating.
For instance, having your own life and your own hobbies is a valid thing to come from these books. Its important to stress to women to create their own identity and keep it; before, during, and after a man comes into their life. This I have not always done, I will admit. But I have definitely gotten much better at it as I have gotten older. It's even caused a breakup.
Treating an asshole the way he deserves to be treated, ditto. Give him hell if the situation warrants it and never talk to him again!
However, the advice that tells you not to be nice to the guy you are seeing- to be a bitch to him, I really don't think it is going to make men like you anymore. Yea, maybe not be a doormat, but if the guy asks you to pick something up on your way over, are you being taken advantage of if you do it, or are you simply being yourself and doing a kind gesture for someone you like? [I think the latter.] If it was a girlfriend that asked you to do this favor, no one would have a problem with it, but when it comes to a man, apparently the rules [in some books] are completely flip-flopped. [Yet if you notice in the article about the 5 secrets, one of the "secrets" is to treat your man as though he was a friend...see no consensus.]
Perhaps this is just my justification. What do I know?! I'm single, so apparently something isn't working perfectly. I am nice to the guy I am seeing. I'm a kind person in general, but I guess I am a bit nicer to the guy I'm seeing. Or at the very least I try to make it obvious that he is getting treated a little differently then how I treat some random guy on the street that I'm not spending my time with. I don't [typically, but have on occasion] do anything for him that I wouldn't do for a friend. According to Why Men Love Bitches, I am failing on some aspects, but passing in others.
Oi vie! As Scarlett O'Hara gripped, "Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?"
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| Beehive Kitchenware |
If you knew me growing up- including college- you would know that I never was one to be in the kitchen, learning how to cook from my momma. In fact, I avoided the kitchen at all costs. However somewhere during highschool, I started to fall in love with creating the ideas that would comprise of the kitchen of my dreams.
It was in highschool that I picked out my china pattern for my future kitchen. Colonial print- Weeping Willow, that was the exact same pattern my grandma had bought in a Barbie doll sized plate set for me before the age of 6. In fact, the set of china is resting in my ceder chest, waiting for the day to be utilized! Then came the addition of pewter accents to the dream kitchen.
And today, I have found something else that I wish to include...this pewter bird measuring spoon set/decor. Bliss. Perfection. My Dream Kitchen. :)