Emotional Cripple

I'll be honest. I spent the last six months dating a guy who I thought would eventually turn around and realize what a catch I was.  However, my fairy tale didn't turn out as planned. In fact, it turned out as opposite as I planned. I turned around and realized that I didn't need to continue dating him.  


There are guys who you meet and who you will become involved with where you know that they have been hurt in the past in one fashion or another.  You, are the fiesty, hard-headed, Protestant American, with a "go-forth" attitude in trying to make something with this guy because of your connection. However, there is a wall that is preventing the two of you from getting together.  


It is not that your connection is wrong or that the two of you couldn't be right for one another, but the challenge is in the line in the sand that the guy makes in a self-defense manner.  He doesn't want to get hurt again so it is easier to be emotionally crippled; to not deal with the emotions and the pain again, the drama he calls it. You try to understand, try to be sympthetic and wait until he comes around and is so engrossed by your strength and beauty and drive that it forces him out of the shell he has crammed his emotions into.  


But the fact is no matter how great you are or caring in the attempt to demonstrate that you're not like the one who hurt him, that you are in fact going to be there and care for him, you can't.  You can't crack his shell no matter what you do.  It has to come from himself.  He has to want his shell to come open and try again.  If he is not willing to lay his heart open, even with caution, then there is nothing you can do to make him do it.  


So leave it be. Let him lay with himself, with his lack of emotion and his inability to feel.  Because you can feel and you feel how much it truly is hurting you. You can feel the neglect. You can feel the void. 


Eventually if a relationship is what you are searching for but are unable to obtain it from your emotional cripple, you need to walk away.  It is better to make the decision to walk away from a man's indecision and unemotional attachment to you.  Rather than allowing weeks of dating to turn into months, or years, waiting for him to wake up and notice what is at his side, walk away.  


Truthfully, he might never wake up, no matter how great and understanding you are. You have to walk away for you. You are a feeling human being and you need to spend your time on someone who is willing to put his heart next to yours.  Sure it still might not bring you happily ever after with the next guy but you won't be waiting for the emotional cripple to explain to you that he is never coming around to be with you. 


Get out while you can and find a man who has a past, accepts it, and wants a chance to link his heart with yours.

Jumping Through Hoops

There are some people who have these awe-inspiring love stories of a couple who went through hell and back in order to be together. There are couples who endured some long distance because of jobs.  There are couples who have to fight back against resistance from friends, family, and/or traditions.  There are couples who had to an extreme juggling act between work, family, and other commitments.  But there are also couples who only jump through the hoops of everyday life: The balancing act between work, family, friends, and extras that make you an individual.

I think the important thing to remember in a relationship is that there needs to be a little hoop jumping.  Not because it needs to be this big gesture, which it is, but because when you jump through some hoops to be with someone (to experience a big day for them, to make a trip to visit their family in California, to buy something you know they need) you demonstrate not only to them, but to everyone else that you are committed to this person in your life. You aren't just showing up in their life. You're making effort.

Every good relationship needs effort to be made. And both parties need to be willing to jump through hoops now and again in order to make the relationship work.

18 Year Old Girls

As we get older, women are told, "the younger version of ourselves are coming. Coming to take our jobs. Coming to take our husbands."  I always thought that it was something that was said on Sex and the City.  I didn't believe this really happened in real life. 


Until it did. Until I was replaced by a newly graduated high school senior.  


I was amazed. Enraged. Upset. Confused. Baffled. Taken Aback.  Hurt. 


I couldn't understand how this little girl with limited life experience had gone in and swooped up this guy who I thought was a man who valued experience and knowledge in the women he was dating.  A guy who has had his fair share of experiences.  What the hell could they possibly have in common? What the hell could they talk about?


What I think hurt the most is that he never was forthcoming about it all. I had to find out from someone else. I had to find out that I was being phased out.  Because he wasn't man enough, or mature enough to tell me himself, even though he was given multiple opportunities.  


Then again, maybe in this instance it isn't the 18 year old girls who are the enemy.  Maybe it's the guys we are dating. They are the enemy because they choose to be immature. They choose to play with our feelings. They choose to act like they are 18 year boys who don't know any better and don't care to.  Maybe the enemy isn't the little girl who thinks she is charming with her stupidity; maybe it's really the guy who choosing her young stupidity over a woman who has a clue and knows her worth.  


I knew my worth. I knew I was exhausted of the dating game we were playing and even if that 18 year old hadn't stumbled in, I was throwing in the towel if he wasn't going to make our relationship official.  


She just gave me a better out. She gave me a better reason to see the guy for who he really was (or was trying to be again) and I was able to walk away without feeling like I had made a rash decision to end things.  


Maybe 18 year old girls are good for something. 


Maybe they are like these big road block signs, with the flashing lights that line highways during the summer. Maybe the 18 year old girls who come in and swoop up the men we are dating show us that we aren't with someone who is serious, committed, or interested in true worth and value.  Those 18 year old girls show us what we've really been dealing with all along and what has been hidden beneath an experienced facade of a boy posing as a man.  

My Version of Happy

I am guilty of being jealous. Honestly, I am typically jealous of something or someone at least once every single day. Sometimes it is another girl, sometimes it's someone's past, sometimes it's someone's new opportunity that I love love to have.  As much as I try to not be jealous, to think about the good things in my own life, I struggle.

However, today, as I was rearranging things in my room at my parents' house I stumbled upon perhaps the truth and core of my jealousy.  I'm jealous of how another person's life LOOKS...but do I realize how my own looks?

It's tough to look at your own life objectively; to stare at it through another person's eyes because you are so personally connected to the innermost workings in your own life.

Just because I don't have what someone else has, is that bad? Does it mean my own life is not worthy or celebration, joy, or praise?

As I stand on the cusp of my quarter-life crisis, I wonder...do I really need those things that I am jealous of? Do I need those things to be happy?  Other women might, but do I?

Would an engagement make me happy? Would buying a house make me happy? Would having my dream job make me happy? Would having that new Jeep Wrangler delight me [probably]?

I am certain that at some point in my life those things will come into my life to make me happy. They will arrive just when they need to.  But for right now, I don't need them.

What do I need? I need excitement, craziness, new experiences that differ from my friends/family, adventure, a stirring of new emotions, and a chance to do something I NEVER dreamed of doing up until a few months ago.  That's what I need right now to make me happy...and guess what?


I have those things. 

It Has To Be Great

This afternoon I attended my cousin Saucy's bridal shower up in Duluth.  It was a fun, new experience for me. None of my close friends have gotten engaged yet, so Saucy is the first of my wedding experiences as a grown woman.

While at the shower I was introduced to her future mother-in-law. She was a wonderful woman who was so nice to me instantly when I explained to her that I was in the Air Force.  She apparently has a very close friend who is a commander at one of the bases in Iowa. Anyways, apparently I came across to this Southern woman as a "lovely" girl [see Yankees do have charm!].

After the opening of the presents and posing for photographs, my Aunt J asked me what I thought about all the wedding hoopla and chaos- insinuating if I would one day like it too.  I replied that it seemed fun, and that yes, maybe one day; but first I actually need the man!  Well Saucy's future MIL overheard and was shocked that I didn't have a boyfriend.  "You're really not dating anyone? You're darling." Nope. Single Gal.

She then turned to me and said, "The best piece of advice I ever received from my mother was: 'if you're dating and it's not great...then it's never going to be great.'"  The future MIL continued: "Think about it. You want it to be great during the initial dating stages because eventually you will become more comfortable with one another, and you'll relax on the way you interact together.  But if it's not something you are enjoying or happy with from the beginning, it is never going to get any better the longer you are together."

Such a simple word of advice: "It has to be great in the beginning. If it's not, then get out."

Why had I never heard that before? It seems to me that in today's world, women are told that if a man acts like this, or like that, then you should take one course of action or another [He's Just Not That Into You, for instance].  But this was different. This wasn't a woman looking for signs or action, instead this came from the woman herself.

It translates to: If you don't feel like you are getting love and affection that satisfies your needs early on, honey it ain't never gonna happen.  So dump the fool. You need to make yourself happy by having a relationship you think is great from the start.


So ladies, please take note. I know I did. I thought about it all the way on the drive home.  Is your relationship at the beginning stages? Are you happy? Are your love/affection needs being met? That's the great thing about this piece of advice: it depends on you. You are the key. You are the person evaluating your own needs and assessing whether or not they are being met.  Empowering to say the least.

My Mr. Right

I'm in love with Luke Bryan.  If you've read previous blog entries or know me personally you already know this undeniable fact about me.  Whenever I get out of a relationship I fall back on him, and he catches me every time.  To me, he is the ideal man; my perfect mate; my Mr. Right.

Now, I realize I do not personally know Luke Bryan, but the "Luke Bryan" that I do know, I am madly in love with as he personifies the attributes I would like to find in a man.

"Luke" grew up on his family peanut farm in Leesburg, Georgia.  I love Georgia and Leesburg is very country.  He has wanted to be a singer since he was young and planned to go to Nashville after high school graduation.  However, his brother unexpectedly passed away and he changed his plans to stay near his family.  Instead, he enrolled at Georgia Southern and became a brother of Sigma Chi.  Afterwards he went back to his family's farm and helped out.  Eventually he chose to pursue his dream of music and moved to Nashville. He worked for nearly 10 years trying to achieve his dream of a record label and hit songs.  But he didn't give up. He kept chasing his dream, even though it didn't happen over night [which is crazy. Why wouldn't you sign a voice like his?!] Personally, I hope to have the same story in a few years. Go from being the farmer's daughter to having a successful career in a big city.  He is also into fishing, camping, and all those outdoorsy-country man activities.  His songs, tell me a lot about him too.  He has many party songs- songs about drinking beer and having a great time.  He has songs about falling in love; so he has a sweet side to him.  He has songs about family and where he grew up.  He has break up songs; so he has been hurt before too.  He isn't defined by one emotion or one attitude. He has many different and exciting facets of his personality.

Yes, I sound crazy. And I promise I am well aware that he is married and completely unattainable. However, a Single Gal needs some comfort in her life. Someone to rely on when the depths of loneliness haunt her nights.  That's where "Luke" comes in. Not only can I go to his music and listen as he comforts me, but he also helps me think that there is a guy out there for me...somewhere. And right now my goal is to figure out the check list I need to help me find My Mr. Right.

Cold Hard Fact

There comes a point in every woman's life where she comes to accept some very real and true cold hard facts about herself.  This morning, I accepted one very cold hard fact about myself: I am no longer in college and therefore can no longer drink like I am in college.


Yes, I am a woman. I am no longer that cute 22 year old Senior who can go out Wednesday night for $1 Long Islands, Thursday night for 25cent drafts, and dance on the speakers on Friday and Saturday night at Sportsgarden.  Nope, it's official. I am old and I have to learn to drink as though I am old.


Last night I went out with a sister from college and one of her co-workers.  We talked the big game about how we three Yankees were going to spend our first big night out in Atlanta looking to charm a new Southern gentlemen.  We were just going to be ourselves; what Southern man couldn't resist our blunt Northern "charm?"


Needlesstosay there were very few gentlemen who were charmed by our Yankee-ness. Or perhaps the mixing of beer, liquor, and jello shots created a night that I can not fully recall. Regardless of the male company we kept or lacked, last night was a very fun night with two women who I am glad live near me in the South.  Us Yankees need to stick together sometimes and I stumbled upon a very fun night.  


So cold hard facts.  When you're nearing 25, it's all right that you can no longer mix your alcohol like you are 21.  And it's also right to go out and just be you...even if at the end of the night you're going home with your girlfriends. 

Deciding to be a Single Gal

After much deliberation…err... actually, more like  recently some mild heartbreak, I have   rethought the possibility of remaining single…for the rest of my life.  Why would I want to do that, you ask? What would be the benefit to doing such a thing? Don't you want to get married, have someone by your side, and children?  

Of course, I want all those things. I dream of having a man who truly cares about me, who tries to take care of me, while I try my best to care for him.  I would like a family, children, and that caring man to grow old with. You know, someone to nag me about taking my pills and someone who will be there to call the hospital after I keel over. 

But guy after guy, I wonder if that if I took the approach "I'm going to be a Single Gal forever" that I might fair better in this game called love.  Perhaps if I ONLY focus on me, perhaps if I not concerned about screwing up potential relationships, then Mr. Right could come walking through the door.

Maybe if Im not looking or thinking about him than maybe he will be drawn to me.  

So I've decided. L.G. is going to be single from now on. I'm speaking with Samantha Jones right now to complete my "Never Getting Married" file.  

And then, if I don't ever get married, if my happily ever after is a solo show, then I'll be content with that fact. I wont be harboring the desire for something else. I wont be looking for something else or someone else to make me feel like I'm a complete adult.  Then maybe I'll be happy being alone. 

After all, as Charlotte asked, "Would it really be such a terrible thing [to be single for the rest of my life]?"

I certainly like myself more than I have ever loved a man, so maybe I'll just be content on being that forever Single Gal who works on herself, who creates a better world for more than just one person, or a few children.  Maybe by being a Single Gal I can truly do something that is worth being remembered for.  Maybe by being single I can bring more hope to my students. Maybe I can further my education without feeling guilty. Maybe I can teach in Italy for a semester like I've always dreamed of. Maybe I can go to Officer School and get deployed without feeling bad about leaving my significant other.  Maybe by being a single gal I can do me and in the process become much better than if I had ever been attached to a man in the first place….

Lesson Learned

When we break up with someone, women are typically the ones who ask, "What did you learn? How did you grow?"


My answer is always: "I didn't learn anything."


This might only be partially true; I don't fully acknowledge that I have "learned" something from a failed relationship.  But the question I like to ask is: "Why do I have to learn something?"


Why is it that women search for meaning in failed relationships? Is it because we hope that if we learn something that we won't date another wrong man? Or that we will magically grow more as women because we have found a deeper, more meaningful lesson in heartbreak than love could ever give us in a lifetime?


I have to come to believe that if we women state that we have learned this or that than we justify spending time with that person. If we have learned something through our heartache than we have grown as women and ultimately into a better person who more deeply understands human nature.  Perhaps if we learned something we won't repeat the same mistake again.  


Even if you "learn something," why must you admit it? Why must you point out that you had to go through this relationship's failing in order to better understand something about yourself, how you act in relationships, etc.?  Or could you have learned that something on your own or without the relationship crumbling to bits?


Mostly, what I have learned from my failed relationship is how to be insecure. Every time I break up with a man he tells me how I screwed it up, or how I wasn't good enough, or what I did wrong.   While I'm already aware that I am not a perfect individual, having my flaws constantly pointed out to me as I exit a relationship does nothing to aide my confidence.  Which is why I remain insecure about my shortcomings to this day.  


This time around, however, I am trying not to listen to what he said to me on that day that I walked away. What I am trying to do instead is evaluate and analyze from my perspective, taking bits and pieces of his, to conclude what sort of "lesson" I might take away from this F relationship.  Moreover, I am trying to figure out how I might fix those shortcomings myself.    How can I be less insecure?  How can I demonstrate that I care without coming off as needy? How can I be less impatient? 


I let you know when I've learned my lesson and when I come up with answers to create a healthy and successful relationship.  

Upcoming Nuptuals

My very favorite and dearest cousin is getting married! She and her fiance Ben got engaged in April and now the planning has begun!


 My cousin is about 7 months older than me so I was, at first, a little hesitant when she told me that Ben popped the question.  I was worried that in the midst of her "growing up" she and I would grow apart-- we've only started to grow closer as we've gotten older, seen each other more often (we lived 15 hours apart when we were younger), and I was really enjoying our friendship [especially since I was making plans to move south and would ultimately be much closer - distance wise- than we had been our entire lives]. 


Apparently she was a little concerned as well. Not so much that we might grow apart as she moved to a new and exciting stage in her life, but that she was talking about the wedding/marriage stuff too much.  Now, I am known to be cynical about weddings, love, marriage, and related jazz.  However, as I explained to my cousin, with her it was different.  I felt included in the journey to her new life, which is why I think I was so happy for her. I was reassured that I wasn't getting left behind. She asked me to be in the bridal party, she bounced ideas off of me about stuff for the wedding (which I loved to indulge in), she explained that I would be invited to many dinner parties at her new place with the hubby, and that she would try to find me a nice Southern gentleman from Atlanta.  


Yes, she was getting married, but her relationships [at least as far as I was concerned] were not going to change drastically. 


Since I felt included in her new life, I was welcoming when she wanted to talk about it. I know she is excited about the wedding; I understand that she is a little stressed about budgeting for the wedding; and I understand that she is nervous about getting married. She loves Ben very much and she doesn't want to end up divorced,  like her parents and our grandmother.  Who can blame her? I don't believe any of us want that and we all hope that that day never follows the "I dos."  


So this bridesmaid is not unwelcoming of wedding talk, shop, and activities. At this moment in time, at least for my cousin's wedding, L.G. is pro-marriage. 


Plus, my bridesmaid dress is hot. And I won't even need to shorten it in order to wear it again! ;-) [27 Dresses, anyone?!?]

#1

Sometimes I wonder if I am too selfless. If I have been beaten down so much during the times when I was selfish, that I ceased to be that way, and am from now on too selfless when it comes to dating.  So my question tonight...when dating, do I, the woman, have to be #1 in her man's life?

Is it essential to be the most important thing in a man's life? Do I have to be the #1 priority, every day, all day, from day one in order to feel as though I matter to him?

Life is made up of so many more things than that one relationship you have with a significant other. There are jobs, school, family obligations, bills, personal goals/dreams, fears...just LIFE. So out of all those things that make up a person's life...if we are together, do I have to be #1?

Some of my friends would argue, yes. You need to be #1 in a relationship with a man, from the very beginning. If you aren't #1, and he doesn't treat you like it, than you should move on and find someone who will.

But...I argue this. Actually my brain and heart have been duking it out all day, mulling over this question. 

My mother and father have been married for over 25 years. My parents are not the lovey-dovey couples you see on TV. They fight, they get mad at each other, but they talk to one another. My parents respect each other. They care about one another. But they are not a perfect couple either. However, they are my example of a mostly-good relationship. 

My mother is not #1. She was definitely not #1 when my dad was farming when my parents first got married. The farm was #1.  There are moments when my mother is #1. My dad will change the floor in the kitchen to the design she wants. He will pick her flowers and bring them in the house for her. He will fix her car for her.

So does being #1, the most important and focal point of a man's life, really need be my #1 priority when assessing my relationship? Am I naive when I am understanding about a man's prior commitments and more important priorities?

Or am I just too selfless? Do I not give my self enough credit? Do I project the image of a woman lacking self worth if I let a man prioritize other things in his life over me?

Is it ok, not to be #1 24/7?

Goal #2

2. Make a palpable difference in a student's life. [off my Before I'm 30 blog list]

While I have yet to establish my teaching career, I am certain that there were a few students that I actually was able to make a difference in their life. 

During my second placement (perhaps my first placement had been a huge rough draft when it came to connecting with students), I know I made a difference. I know that the 7th graders in my class really liked me (maybe not 100%, but I'd say 95% without a doubt!).

One of my students told me about how upset she had been the last few weeks because her sister, a person she considered to be one of her best friends, had moved out of the house. She hadn't spoken to her sister in weeks and had found, via Facebook that her sister was in a new relationship and apparently doing well for her self.  She was devastated.  She told me she had a stomach ache every day because she was so upset over the loss of her sister's companionship and feared she'd never come home and that their relationship would never be like it was before. 

One of my male students took to me instantly.  He had been having some trouble in school, academically, but appeared to be starting to flourish just as I arrived.  While he didn't go from a 70 to a 90, he did however come to class every morning with a happy demeanor, as though he was just happy with himself and how he was doing.  Other teachers could tell he definitely took to me and was interested in class now that I was there.

There were other instances that I could reminisce about, demonstrating that I achieved Goal #2 of my 24th year, but the one that speaks volumes was a letter I received from one female student on my last day.  It read:

"You are awesome. Now I actually care about Social Studies! You teach in a special way that really lets me understand. You aren't too strict, or too laid back. You are as close to perfect as any student teacher I have ever had the pleasure to meet. THANK YOU!" :)

I think that's palpable.

My Grandfather's Lesson

A month ago, my grandfather died. He was one of my most favorite persons in my life.  There are very few times in my life that I ever remember him being mad at me. My grandfather adored me; and I adored him back.  He was very proud of me, always bragging about my going to college down in "Alleghenia" as he called it.

I admired him: my Papa had been born in Italy during the Great Depression, he had been in the Italian army before WWII broke out, and then was forced to continue serving during the war.  He left Italy, seeing it as a place where there were limited opportunities.  After receiving a letter from relatives in Canada, he traveled by boat from Naples to Hailifax, Nova Scotia, with, as he told me, $10 in his pocket.  Most of that money was gone by the time he paid for train passage and food to Niagara Falls, Ontario.  He worked at the Gerber Baby Food factory and met my grandmother at a dance.  In 1960 he, my grandmother, mother, and uncle moved to the states and took up residence in Niagara Falls, New York.  He and my grandmother traveled- to California, to Atlantic City, to my great-uncle's cottage up on Lake George.  At 65, 6 months after I was born, he retired from the Brick Layer's Union and with my grandmother took care of me most days while my mother was at work. 

He liked to give me phases of advice, such as: "You gotta marry the President's son" and "You gotta go to college, you can't wash the dishes."  Quite the forward feminist thinker, yet conservative mindset my grandfather had there.  He told me some stories about growing up in Italy and some about the war- never the ones I asked about, however.  The war stories were minimal and usually full of jokes.  As though it was a time he had blocked out of his memory.  I however, I wanted to know as much as I could. I wanted to know in what battles my grandfather had been engaged in.  Yet, I never will know the answer to those questions now. 

He told me of loss. The loss of his cousin/best friend during the war.  When I came to him with a broken heart over a boy, he made it seem like he understood- always telling me that there is someone better out there. Many other boys.  That it would happen for me.  [I just wish he could have seen it come true.]

So many conversations; so many afternoons spent in the summer sun or in the front room;  Chauffering him to Canada to see his sister; Getting him something to drink; Hearing him call me "dollie."

I learned so much from him. I didn't think I was like him at all (except for maybe my temper at times), but as he was lying in the hospital this past March, barely saying a word, I realized that I was very much like him. 

I saw that there was nothing for me where I had grown up.  Yes, Western New York was a great place to live; just like Rome had been for him, but there wasn't anything there for me.  The only thing that was keeping me there was my family and I was an adult now and needed to make my own way.  A different way. 

While his leaving and journey were probably more leaps of faith than mine were, the reason behind the leap was the same: the chance at a better life for myself and my future.  I like to imagine the life I'm forging here in Georgia will be the place where I meet my future husband and have my children...I wonder if my grandfather thought the same way about being in Canada.

And hopefully, just like my grandfather, the leap of faith, the chance I am taking so far away from home will bring me a greater and more grander life than I could only dream of when I was living in Western New York. 

One Year Later

They always say, you never know what can happen. You never know where your life will take you.  This year/ the past 2 years, those sentiments are ringing true.

June 1, 2010- I was a week into taking my first semester of classes for my Master of Science in Secondary Education.  I was going to be a teacher. Or at least...that was the plan.  I was still a little unsure that this was what I wanted to do.  I wasn't sure I would be a good teacher.

June 1, 2010- I was back to living with my family as I attended grad school.

June 1, 2010- Maj and I were dating. I was on the cusp of deciding that I didn't want to move down to North Carolina to be with him in September. This is where the hardcore fighting began. 

** One Year Later**

I feel like, if this were a movie, there would be this great instrumental number in the background. The scene would fade to black with the writing, centered at the bottom of the screen, telling the audience that a year has passed since those aforementioned scenes occurred.  Sending the subliminal message that much has changed in the main character's path.

June 1, 2011- 11 days ago I graduated from the Masters program.  Today, I received notification from the state that my application for Teacher Certification has been accepted.  I am legally certified to be a professional teacher.  I can now get paid to do what I thoroughly enjoy! (Just have to find that job!)

June 1, 2011- 10 days ago I moved from my parent's house to an apartment in Georgia.  If you've read any of my blog posts from last fall you might notice that I fell in love with this place back in late September- early October when I came to see a Luke Bryan concert and visit with my cousin.  I knew then that this was where I wanted to start the next phase in my life.  So here I am! Trying to start that next phase!! Trying to shape my dreams into reality!

June 1, 2011- Maj and the drama is a distant memory. I feel like a completely different woman- mostly because I am.  I won't settle. I won't let someone put down my dreams and goals. I don't want someone who just wants me to be with them and not strive for my own personal satisfactions in life.  The girl I was back in June 2010 has left the room.  She has grown up. She knows what she wants. She is doing the best she can at getting it and she only wants people in her life who are supportive and loving.

So what has the main character learned from all this, besides, "a lot can happen in a year?" A lot can happen in a year only if you listen to your heart, go with your gut, and JUMP. Life is about taking chances.  Life can't change in a year if chances aren't taken. 

Regular Joe

"Regular Joe," by Ashton Shepherd is one of my favorite songs.  In the last few months I have been dating a man who fits the description of Ashton's "Regular Joe." He is a very good man.  He is honest with me; more importantly he seems to be honest with himself & know himself.  He is fun, educated, interesting, driven, and quite caring.

I met Joe about two years ago, but it wasn't until this past December that I started to see what he had to offer. He is all those things I have dreamed of and wanted to find in a man.  You know the man you dream up as Mr. Right? Well maybe he isn't exactly Mr. Right, but Joe has certainly checked off many of the boxes I always wanted to be filled, but never were with any of the other guys I dated. 

I have finally begun to see what real happiness might be with another person. Our time together is limited but when we are together I experience this calm happiness. My mind quiets, I laugh even more than I normally do, and I feel myself growing as a person.  It just feels "right." It feels good.

I feel very comfortable around him. While I still try to impress him by getting dolled up, etc. to me, being with Joe is like slipping on my Allegheny College sweatpants after being in a pencil skirt all day at work.  I can get around him and just slip into my "real" self. 

I don't know if Joe and I will ever officially be a couple.  There are many reasons for that. But what Joe has given me is some assurance.  There is another person out there who can check off most of the boxes I have for "Mr. Right." There is a person out there, besides my best friends, who I can be myself with, while I still try to impress him a little.  Joe knows the "real me" and luckily he hasn't run for the hills yet. 

http://youtu.be/go-VeP4A2m8 Check out "Regular Joe"

Look at These Photographs

As I look at the photographs that I shoved in my closet back in September, I do not feel anything. In fact, I don't recognize that girl or that boy who stood there smiling together.  I know that one point my heart overflowed with love for him. But now, I can't even call up a small amount of that feeling.  Or even a feeling of missing him.

When I drove to Georgia two weeks ago, I realized I have transformed so much of myself in the last several months. It started back last May and it has continued. The woman I am today is not the same girl I was last May, or June, or even September.  So much loss, commotion, and grief has been felt by my heart in the last year. On account of that, when I look at those photographs of Maj and I, don't recognize him and I seriously don't recognize myself. I feel like I am looking at pictures of myself from high school; that's how changed I feel I have become in the last year.

24 Goals Update

So it is now March...3 months into my 24th year on this Earth.  Figured I'd update you on what I have accomplished in the last 90ish days.

1. Rock my student teaching semester. Conquer it. Learn. Become a better teacher.This is definitely happening! I start my next placement on Wednesday but I rocked my first student teaching placement.  Both my cooperating teachers agreed I have chosen the right profession. My supervisor even said I am well on her [my] way to having her [my] own classroom." :)

15. Gain a more professional demeanor.
Still in progress, but I have certainly come into my own professional demeanor. This was specifically pointed out to me when I presented at a Social Studies conference this past Friday to veteran teachers.  Yes, a student presented to teachers.

On an unprofessional note, I'm totally bad ass & def got sawg.

17. Try 24 new beers, rather than the old standbys
Ok, I haven't gotten to 24 yet, but I'm working on it. What I've tried:
Ithica Smoked Porterhouse- tastes burnt/smoked. No thanks!
Sweetwater Brew 420- ehh it's all right
Sierra Nevada- LT said the draft was old, so I don't think I got the real flavor. Definitely have to try it again.
Brickyard Porter- pretty nice, I'd drink it every once and a while
Sam Adam's Pildsilfjdfj- I can't remember the name, but it's new & I don't like it. Too much after flavor.
Smithwycks- Had this on St. Patty's Day...definitely better than that first Irish beer I had that night!

I know I've tried a few others, but seriously I haven't been impressed. Molson Canadian is still #1 in my book.

22. See Luke, Lady A, and Dierks in concert.
Well I saw one of them- LUKE!! Actually won the concert tickets at the end of January! Freaking awesome experience! Read: Meeting  & Greeting Luke Bryan blog post.

24. Bring my 1.5mile time down from 13:30 to 12:00.I have brought my time down at the gym when I time myself on my sweet Ironman 30 Lap watch.  Currently running about a 12:05 1.5mile and a 16:25 2 mile. Go me!

Pearl Kind of Girl

Being single has made me realize just what a great woman I am. Most guys like cubic zirconia, but honey I'm a pearl. I'm real & I keep growing more and more fabulous everyday. If you want a fake, cheap girl, you can have her. I'll wait for the man who understands how rare and precious pearls really are. Until then, I'll be growing more fabulous, reaching my goals, creating bigger dreams, and helping the world. Don't worry, her shine will wear off soon. ~ L.G.

Actions > Words...Right?

Every girl loves compliments. We love it when guys we are dating or crushing on are cutesy with us. Girls eat that stuff up. We want to feel special. I am no different, I'll admit it.

However, after dating several guys who would pack on the compliments & the cutesy stuff heavy and from the start...who ended up several weeks later, basically cutting me down with their comments and forgetting they ever thought I was "beautiful," "amazing," "the perfect girl," "exactly what I've been waiting for"... I decided that what I wanted was a guy to be real with me. To not think of me as this special girl to be put on a pedestal [because I kept falling every time I was placed there].  I didn't want anymore cutesy "baby" crap after every sentence uttered to me. No, I wanted to be seen as an equal.

Well ladies & gentlemen, I have finally gotten my wish!

The downside to my wish that I didn't realize when I made it: All that cutesy crap helped me to identify that a guy was into me. Without it I have been struggling to know whether or not a guy is into me.  It's not so clear when you are treated like an equal.  Now it is all about him showing me, demonstrating to me that he cares.  And since I see the good in people, I tend to believe he does these sorts of things for everyone in his life that he doesn't hate. What can I say, sometimes L.G. is a complicated woman!

I'm not saying that cutesy stuff isn't uttered...but it isn't the constant bombardment of those words anymore.  Which in my head [somehow] translates now to: << He only likes me sometimes.>>

Although it has caused more complications...more speculation, I think I might be on the right track.  As we all know, actions speak louder than words.  Often times words are simply the thing we say to get what we want. Actions are what we do to prove, to explain, to declare our true feelings. 

Right Where I am Meant to Be

And when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see that you never were the best for me ~Daughtry

I have now become a true believer in "everything happens for a reason."  Why you ask? Because finally, when the front door was slammed shut in my face, I ended up right where I know I am meant to be. 

If I had gotten married this past October, I would not be student teaching now. I wouldn't have this calm happiness that spills out of my pores. 

Am I stressed? A little. Am I busy? Most certainly. But do I feel nervous, do I feel out of place, or do I feel uneasy? Negative. Not one bit.

I feel like I am doing exactly what I was put here in this world to do.  I am so happy. I am confident (most moments of the day, anyway).  And I wouldn't be in this place if that door wasn't slammed in my face.  Other doors have opened up for me, the doors that are directing me to where I am supposed to be and to the woman I am meant to be. 

Even though it is what I wanted, it's not what was best for me. I am definitely seeing that now, thankfully.

I Got Over You

Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I felt if I was in way to deep, guess I let you get the best of me
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you ~Daughtry

If you have been reading along for the last few months you know that I went through a terrible, messy, and emotional breakup with Maj this September.  I was a mess, I'm not going to lie. I felt like I never was going to be able to feel happy or whole again. I felt like everything I had dreamt of, longed for, would always be out of reach.

However, I was able to heal. I feel whole again. I actually think I feel more whole now that I ever did when Maj and I were together. I am not sad. I don't miss him. I don't worry about what's happening in the world constantly. I feel like I can do whatever I want. I can make myself happy, without consulting a soul. 

Part of my healing process was certainly the many road trips I took this fall. Partly it was the concerts I went to and sung my heart out at.  Part of it was putting my heart into school and learning all I could about how to create effective learning experiences for students.  I wanted nothing more than to feel needed by a student.  Part of it was spending countless hours with my best friends, laughing, crying, griping about men, and sharing my experiences with them.  Part of it was trying to date again so that I didn't end up hating men. 

But there was one night, one night I thought I would never get through. One night where I could not shake the lonely feeling that brewed inside of me, despite being surrounded by people all night long.

And that is when I called LT.  It was 2am and I have no idea what possessed me to choose him out of all the guy friends I have, but I did. After talking to him on the phone until about 7am, I finally felt happy. The night I thought I'd never get through, I did with LT's help. However, LT has no idea that the night I called him was the night I thought I'd never get through. He could tell I was upset about something and when I told him I didn't want to talk about it, he was all right with it. He didn't pressure me to open up about it.

Then next morning, I felt so much better. I don't know what kind of salve LT put on my wounded heart, but it felt so much better. In the following few days I came to the revelation that it was over. That I was over Maj.  I didn't talk about him, I didn't think about him, I didn't care about him. I had had my experience with him, wished perhaps I had used a little better judgment when it came to our whole relationship, but it was over and I was over the saddness and the emotional baggage. 

Meeting Luke Bryan

Well, it happened. I have met a celebrity.  I was lucky enough at the end of January to win not only tickets to the Chris Morgan, Luke Bryan, & Rascal Flatts concert, but I also won tickets to a meet & greet opportunity with none other than LUKE BRYAN!!

I was so excited and shocked that words can not properly describe it.  So my best friend Alisha & I drove 6 hours to Dayton, Ohio for the show & meet and greet!!!!


I was estatic, as we were the first girls in line to meet Mr. Bryan! :) He spoke to me in his sweet Southern drawl and I melted on the spot as I told him I had driven from Buffalo to see him that evening (however, I left out the fact that I had driven 14 hours to Carrollton, GA to see him in September & 16 hours to Duluth, GA to see him in November--minor details!!)


So feel free to feel what I want you to feel- jealous of my awesome oppotunity! But the reason I am bragging/sharing my experience is the fact that I can cross off another thing off my Before I'm 30 List. Who knew I'd have the amazing chance to do it so soon after it's creation?! And who knew I'd win this chance off his website?!?!


And if you haven't looked Luke Bryan up yet and listened to some of his stuff, especially his EP special song, you really need to get on it!!! http://www.lukebryan.com/

A Recruitment Story

It's that time of year again on the Allegheny College campus-- RECRUITMENT!!! A week of events, major planning throughout much of winter break, skits, singing, cheering, matching outfits, talking & getting to know new women. 

Stress levels can run high. You want the right women for your sorority.  Women that will believe and be true to the values and the ideas set forth by the sorority way back in the late 1800s.

For me, when I was in college, I loved the planning behind recruitment.  For one whole week it was sorority-sorority-sorority over everything else in my life. And I loved it. I loved the late nights of staying in the suite to set up for the next round of parties. The chats with women I will never forget as we created table covers for Philanthropy Round, chair covers for Preference Round.

I liked brushing our feathers and showing to young women what we had to offer them, what we stood for, and who we were as individuals. It is a magical thing when you see all the stress, blood, sweat, and tears you put into creating the perfect night for these prospective women. It all pays off when the women walk in and their eyes light up and they no longer look afraid. When they feel comfortable and you can tell they can imagine themselves being part of this organization full time. 

The best part? Handing them a pearl, telling them the story of the girl who was lost in the woods, who dropped her pearl into a pool of water and watched the ripples spread away from the center. As the women leave, hushed singing in the background, they are told to make a wish on the pearl and drop it in our "pool" of water.  This is one of the only times I wished I was a fairy godmother and could make every single one of those women's wishes come true. It was in that moment I didn't care which sorority those women wanted to call home. All I wished for was the ability to get them to where they knew they could call home. 

The Bachelor

Ahhh The Bachelor. My guilty pleasure of every week. Yes, it is drama filled. Yes, those are not dates you would ever take in real life. Yes, it is very hyped up. Yes, Chris Harrison gets annoying when he announces that "this is the last rose this evening."

But, I love this show.

Why? Because when I watch this show, I feel less desperate about my own love life. I have yet to apply to abc.com to be the next Bachelorette. [However, if I do reach a desperation point in my life, I will totally, without shame, nominate myself to be on that show!] I do not throw myself at men the way some of the women do on that show. I do not cry over him kissing another girl if we aren't exclusive. I don't pick cat fights. 

However, I sympathize with these women. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, which makes it all the more capable of being broken or hurt. I can't help it, I've tried to change that about myself, but it is who I am, so there. But I see that part of me in many of these women who genuinely appear to be on the show for a chance to win a man's heart.

Most people, want to find love. They want to feel connected to another person.  While the show is certainly dramatized and romance is hyped to the max, there is something real about the emotions that run rampant on the show, that make it [at least to me] interesting to watch and be a part of. 

Oh, and it certainly doesn't hurt that all the Bachelors that have been on the show have had smokin' bodies. A little eye candy on a Monday night never hurt nobody!

Baby, What's Your Sign?

Well yesterday I was a Capricorn. Today, I am a Sagittarius. I know two Sag's...my mom & brother. Nope, sorry, we're aren't anything alike.  I am a true Capricorn all the way.


 Now, when I was a teenager I was very into astrology. I mean, I didn't have rain dances or anything like that in my backyard, but when I found out about the traits that made up my sign, I felt like I understood myself for the first time.  It has really only been recently that I have come back to try to understand myself.

While I still identify with my Capricorn-ish traits, I know that I have developed into a different woman.  Yes, I am still ambitious and disciplined, however sometimes my practicality and prudence are thrown out the window. I realized in college that I only get to live once and I want to live it up whatever way I can! 

Patient- ha, not even close. I have never been patient. I have become more patient as I have gotten older, but even now...I am far from describing myself as a patient person. That would just be lying. Careful...hmmm, again, I've started to embrace life. You'd think as I get older I would get more cautious...I think just the opposite is happening with me though. Humorous- I certainly try to be. I love humor. I love to laugh. 

Reserved, yes I still am. I've come to the point where I am more outgoing and less shy when I first meet people, however, sometimes, if I am out with a big group and I only know one or two people, I can certainly be classified as reserved. Or if I am out with a couple friends and one has a very big, boisterous, and outgoing personality, I tend to shy away and consume myself within my own thoughts.  I fade into the background. I am still quite pessimistic. I always assume the worst is going to happen. But I have tried to change that outlook in somethings. I'm starting to believe that I have simply worked so hard these last few years on creating my "future" life that its just gotta happen!

And it's true I love history, antiques, duties and responsibilities, unconditional love, & new books. I hate, just like my sign says untidiness and disorder, surprises, loneliness, and being made to feel useless and incompetent.

Well whatever my sign is...this is who I am. And really, that's all that matters.

Love The One You're With

I have just finished book number 1 of L.G's 24 year goals of reading at least 5 chick-lit books.  This is the 3rd book I've read by Emily Giffin, Love The One You're With.

I do like these books. They are easy to read, interesting stories about women at crossroads in their personal and professional life.  The ending always seems to turn out just right for these ladies after having inner conflict and confusion. 

What I don't like about Giffin or her books, is their comparison to Jane Austen and Pride & Prejudice.  Jane Austen's works are classics. Despite the language they are timeless. They are real character development. Austen see through to her characters souls, and as a reader, so do you.  

While Giffin is a good writer, I only see into the main characters' soul...if I'm lucky. If you're looking for chick-lit that is like a chick-flick, read Giffin. You won't be disappointed. Just don't read her if you are looking for Jane Austen.

Dying Newspaper

As my baby brother's senior year & final wrestling season winds down, I have come face to face with the newspaper industry. At least the newspaper industry here in Western New York.  Now our local paper is no, New York Times. In fact, we live on the exact opposite end of the state. You can't get any farther in the state of New York than where I currently sit & type this to you. 

It's a local paper. Shouldn't it have mostly local stories and bylines? Why is everything from the AP wire?

The Buffalo area has many schools and in the winter there really isn't much to report on in the area. There aren't usually any outdoor festivals or concerts.  Just high school and college sports. 

This past weekend I spent two full days in a big community college gym, surrounded by hundreds of high school boys in singlets and warm up suits, smelling sweat, hearing buzzers and whistles nonstop in my ears, having my tush get numb from the bleachers.  This wrestling tournament hosts over 4o area high schools.  Its a big deal for local wrestlers to show case their talents and it helps to determine qualifiers for states and seeds at other tournaments later in the season. 

Yet, the local paper basically gave the tournament a split second glance. The write up looked as though the reporter had taken the finalists' biography from the coach and then added who ended up winning each weight class contest. 

Who or what was on the front page of the Sports section...the Seattle game. Seattle. We live in Buffalo, NY. Here Seattle, a buzz from the AP, was front and center on the sports page, with a nice run down of the NFL game. Seattle? Are you serious?

If this is what local papers are coming to- brushing off the importance of local news for things around the country that are more glamours and "seemingly" more important, then perhaps its a good thing journalists across the country are loosing their jobs at local papers. Maybe we do only need papers like the New York Times and USA Today.  Who cares about local students, local superstars, when we can talk about Matt Hasselbeck? A guy who gets paid millions for a team that is on the complete other side of the country.

And again, Nate, I'm sorry for ragging on your report. It's nothing personal. Just a statement on local journalism in general.

Slow Down Sister

Allegheny College. You taught me so many things. How to turn a sentence into a two-page paper. How its not a good thing to mix my alcohol all night long and expect to feel alive the next morning.  How to walk up hill in 3 feet of unshoveled snow in Arctic like temperatures. 

College also taught me how you start to "date." Everything is a race. A Nascar race. High speed, going around in circles dating all sorts of different guys, never really ever seeming to pass the black and white checkered flag.

Audge & I were talking about this at lunch the other afternoon. There we were eating some fries as we divulged how it now appears that we need to learn how to go slow when we meet someone new. Now, we aren't talking about how soon do you, or don't you, sleep with your new beau. No we are talking about going slow in the walk [we aren't sprinting anymore] to becoming boyfriend/girlfriend.

Back in our college days the label came quick.  By 3 weeks of hanging out, eating meals, studying in the library, and walking to class together it became Facebook official. Even some of the guys we have dated after college didn't take much more than 3 before it became official.

But here we both were- past the 3 week mark with both our beaux and nothing felt official. In fact, we had both been told by our beaux that they wanted to go slow for the outstanding circumstances of our crazy lives.  Understandable. Logic told us that it was the smart thing.  But-- why doesn't he wanna be my boyfriend?! Yes, that's right Ms. Emo came out.  We probably should have been drinking milkshakes instead of beers during this lunch.  At the very least Cosmos, those are at least girly.

So here we are. 24 and 23 years old, learning how to walk. Learning how to go slow. Learning how our motto should be "just let it happen."

You'd think being this old, we'd have the sense to walk. That going slow would be all that we wanted to do. I mean, we've both had our hearts broken more than once. Shouldn't we want to go slow? Why were we so willing to drive like Mario Andretti with our hearts? Why didn't we want to go slow?

I chalk it up to both Audge and I having a very similar I-want-it-gotta-have-it kind of attitude.  This attitudeis coupled with the fact that we have seen what is out there. When we find something we like, we don't want another girl coming in and stealing what we think we found first [ok, not first, but he was on the shelf and we picked him off it first, this time]. No, we want that title, because to us, that title is a mark of territory, rather than the description of how committed to one another we were as a couple to these beaux.

But really, when you think about it, that's what maybe these beaux are trying to get at. They want to go slow because they want the title of boyfriend/girlfriend to mean something about the depth of their feelings and commitment.  Right now they aren't there yet. How can you blame them, its only been a few weeks?

So here Audge and I go, learning how to slow it down.

The Book

I have long since been a disciple of The Book.  It is what my girl friends and I reverently refer He's Just Not That Into You to as. I used to consult it and pour over it every time I started talking to a boy in order try to decipher what he really meant, and if he was into me. 

However with the new year I have some new perspective. I do not need a book to tell me what my gut is already telling me. I should be trusting my instincts, rather than consulting a book that doesn't acutely describe the situation I find myself in. 

I do think the book is a helpful. It can help a girl stay grounded while she treads through Limbo land...but it isn't concrete. And when you do think it is concrete about a guy, it should also mean that you just found one of those guys who didn't have the balls to tell you how he really felt. Who wants one of those guys anyways?! Let him go on his way. He can find some other girl to try to sort through all his B.S.

Which I think that's what The Book helps you see. The bull that guys who don't have the guts or decency to really tell you what is really up. And girl, you don't want to waste anytime on those guys. Because you won't be that into them either.

Clean Slate



Kate Spade

  In keeping with it being January, I found this pretty white bangle from Kate Spade. Engraved on the inside are the words "Clean Slate."

Have you ever wanted a clean slate with someone or something? Was it after you embarrassed yourself? Or after you said something you really didn't mean?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say to someone that you wanted to start over? That you wanted to begin again. Forget all the mistakes, the fights, the hurtful words?

Perhaps you're only able to get a true clean slate when you start anew with someone else. After you've forgiven yourself. 

Signs

Do you believe in signs? Things that happen in your life that tell you what you need to do? Or what path you need to jump onto before its too late?

I had one such sign. It was September 1, 2010. I was walking down the street outside of the hospital to go visit my grandpa. As I was crossing the street I heard this little boy's voice yell from a car, "Ms. G." I turned and looked. I couldn't believe it, but it was Marquillis, one of the students I had during the summer literacy camp. I shouted and waved back at him, as he and his mother sat in their car before the light turned green. 

I had just come from the education office at my graduate school to tell them that I would not be starting classes in the fall semester.  I was getting married & Maj wanted me to move down to North Carolina to be with him. 

But as Marquillis drove away, I couldn't help but think that perhaps I had made a huge mistake.  If it had been any other student, it might not have registered that I could possibly be on the verge of messing up my future. 

The reason Marquillis quelled this fear inside of me was the fact that I had earned his trust and friendship throughout the course of the summer camp.  I became one of his favorite teachers after the lesson I taught where I let the students dress up in a piece of my military uniform.  The boys seemed to agree that Ms. G was pretty cool now that they knew I worked on airplanes. Marquillis even sat with me the one day during gym time while the other students were in the pool. He talked my ear off about all sorts of different things and gave me two of his coveted silly bands that were all the rage with my middle school students.

Perhaps seeing Marquillis on that day was a sign that I should be a teacher. That being a teacher and connecting with students was my real calling or mission in life. That I shouldn't give that up for some boy.

I'm not sure if Marquillis was a sign or not, but the thought of that moment certainly helped me to stand up to Maj and to not back down as he was arguing with me on the phone the following day.  Although Maj ultimately did the official pulling of the plug [and truly did hurt me] I did not back down to him the way I previously had on most things.  I stood my ground and that is what ultimately caused him to end it. 

All through the fall semester I kept thinking back to Marquillis. He had given me the strength I needed. He gave me the confidence I needed. I hope that somewhere during summer camp I was able to give him these things as well. 

I still have the silly bands he gave to me.  They are wrapped around my parking brake in my car, always a reminder that I am a teacher and that I should be one. Marquillis saw it in me & I need to see it in myself.