When you are in a relationship, you are aware that it might end. You might grow apart, find someone else, simply fall out of love. But a friendship isn’t a zero-sum game, and as such, you assume that its will last forever, especially an old friendship. You take its permanence for granted, which might be the very thing so dear about it.”-- Something Borrowed
I've had my share of relationships that have ended. But the worst relationships that end are the ones who that I've had with girl friends. Like it says above, you never imagine it will end. They are your friends, you plan on always having one another's back, and being in one another's life. You don't foresee ever "breaking up," especially when they have been part of so many memories and important times in your life.
But then there is a fight you get into. Words that shouldn't be said are. Feelings are hurt. And forgiveness doesn't come easily from either side.
I got into a fight with my two best friends two days before I graduated from college. I ended up not taking any photos after the ceremony. I just wanted to get out of that town.
What did we fight about? Good question, and after being out of college for 2 years I don't have a real answer to that anymore. I know the subject that surrounded the fight, but I don't remember what words or arguments were exchanged anymore.
I didn't talk to either of them until this past April, when Carina called truce. We admitted we had both been stupid and told each other there had been so many times when we wished we could have told the other some piece of news. But we had been stupid and let this fight get in the way of our friendship.
Cait was harder to reach. She was much more stubborn than Carina and I. I figured she'd go to her grave hating me from the taste of the fight that night. But it changed when we saw each other at Homecoming this year. We were both prepared, and knew that the other was going to be hanging out with our group of friends. But it was good. We actually were able to forgive one another and bond over new heart stresses. Neither one of us know if we will ever be as close as we once were. I'd like to be, but I know it will take time if that's to happen.
Bottom line, friendships are just as fragile as a relationship. There is more malleability but they definitely can fall on the floor, crack or be completely broken. From the awful fight that was brought to Cait, Carina, and I, I have learned to take my friendships more seriously and treat them with as much love and kindness as I would a relationship. In fact, they probably should receive a little more, because like it says you are aware it might end.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Football Issues
I love football. I live it; I breathe it; I would marry it if at all possible. Men just don't understand how I could be so obsessed with a sport. Sometimes, well most of the time, I take it way too seriously.
Which I think is part of my problem. I tend to be into football much more than my boyfriends. It bothers them, this they've admitted. Why? Not so sure. Maybe they are intimidated by little 5'1" me loving football and knowing more than they might about the sport, when they are supposed to be the man and be able to act like they know it all, even though they don't really follow the sport...? Just speculation. No definitive answers have arisen.
Moreover, my obsessive love of football can put me in quite a disgruntled mood. I'm a Buffalo Bills fan, and if you've heard rumors this year...they are 0-6. Awful, just awfully heartbreaking for me. So when someone calls me right after the game to heckle me, or say something bad about the Bills, you can imagine I am far from friendly.
Guys don't understand that it is really serious for me. When they laugh about the game and how disappointing it was (all while laughing) they don't understand that they're a digging their own grave. They have instantly lost points with me; especially since as I answer the phone say, "I don't want to talk about the game yet, I'm still processing the outcome." YET, they insist on talking about the game, saying how disappointing it was. Not that they talk specific plays or strategies...no, they just talk about the scoreboard.
....I thought I said I was still processing and didn't want to talk about it yet....
And for the record, I don't just want to talk about the scoreboard. Yes, it matters, but if you know anything about football you'd man up and talk about plays, players, and calls. Not just the pretty, colorful numbers that any idiot can analyze.
Which I think is part of my problem. I tend to be into football much more than my boyfriends. It bothers them, this they've admitted. Why? Not so sure. Maybe they are intimidated by little 5'1" me loving football and knowing more than they might about the sport, when they are supposed to be the man and be able to act like they know it all, even though they don't really follow the sport...? Just speculation. No definitive answers have arisen.
Moreover, my obsessive love of football can put me in quite a disgruntled mood. I'm a Buffalo Bills fan, and if you've heard rumors this year...they are 0-6. Awful, just awfully heartbreaking for me. So when someone calls me right after the game to heckle me, or say something bad about the Bills, you can imagine I am far from friendly.
Guys don't understand that it is really serious for me. When they laugh about the game and how disappointing it was (all while laughing) they don't understand that they're a digging their own grave. They have instantly lost points with me; especially since as I answer the phone say, "I don't want to talk about the game yet, I'm still processing the outcome." YET, they insist on talking about the game, saying how disappointing it was. Not that they talk specific plays or strategies...no, they just talk about the scoreboard.
....I thought I said I was still processing and didn't want to talk about it yet....
And for the record, I don't just want to talk about the scoreboard. Yes, it matters, but if you know anything about football you'd man up and talk about plays, players, and calls. Not just the pretty, colorful numbers that any idiot can analyze.
Decision, Decided.
I have un’amica stretta, "a close friend" in Italian. Her name is Amie. Her namesake also means "friend" in French. We have been close friends for many years. We grew up together in Western New York. Amie has such strength and determination that I have been able to admire my whole life. The depth of her love is unbelievable. As a result though, she has been hurt quite deeply and she tends to blame herself.
A few months ago Amie found out that she was pregnant. Now, normally this would be cause for great joy and celebration, but Amie was terrified. She and her boyfriend, Scobey, had recently broke up again and she was scared to contact him. But she was also terrified at the fact of making the decision to end the pregnancy and thus, end up being alone for the rest of her life.
To summarize a long, dramatic story [that will be discussed in a different entry]: Scobey proposed, they planned to get married quickly, but then Scobey changed his mind, called off the wedding, proceeded to lay blame across Amie, and inundate her with charges of being a compulsive liar.
Amie did not know what to do. She had planned on carrying the baby to full term, but she felt hopeless and so mangled. She felt as though she had been tossed into a dismal, manure filled hole of emotion by Scobey's treatment and words.
After all that Scobey did to her, she still felt some obligation to speak with him about the baby and the plans she wanted to make for it. He didn't want to talk to her until there was a paternity test completed. He didn't believe the baby was his and he refused to express his opinion about arrangements until it was proven that it was his. In the meantime, though, he had no problem threatening to obtain full custody, calling Amie a slut, and blaming her for trapping him into a life that he hadn't wanted.
Enough, was enough. Amie decided that she did not want Scobey in her life anymore, not even vicariously through the child's existence. She knew she deserved more than a life of belittlement from a man who used to love her more than anything in the world. She understood Scobey felt hurt and lied to, but she hadn't lied about anything important and she had never meant to hurt him. He was the last person in the world she had wanted to cause hurt upon.
Moreover, she wanted her own life. She had been wrapped around Scobey's for too long that her life barely resembled her anymore. Things would not be any different if she decided to have the baby.
So, Amie made probably the hardest decision of her life. She decided to have her own life; to be unattached to any other human being. To be stronger than she had ever been before. She decided to make her own rules. She resolved that if fate or God did not bless her with future happiness based on this decision that she would have to make her own future happiness.
Amie also decided not to tell Scobey. She had mentioned it to him on the phone one night, that she was considering it based on how she was feeling, how he was feeling, how neither one of them were sure that this was what they really wanted. He got angry at her, blamed her for his proposal in the first place and "why hadn't she decided this earlier?!?!"
Is Amie selfish? Yes, and she doesn't argue that. She defends herself though, saying that she knows it was the best decision for her, her future, her future children...and even for Scobey and his future. Cutting the strings now would make the future less painful for the both of them.
A few months ago Amie found out that she was pregnant. Now, normally this would be cause for great joy and celebration, but Amie was terrified. She and her boyfriend, Scobey, had recently broke up again and she was scared to contact him. But she was also terrified at the fact of making the decision to end the pregnancy and thus, end up being alone for the rest of her life.
To summarize a long, dramatic story [that will be discussed in a different entry]: Scobey proposed, they planned to get married quickly, but then Scobey changed his mind, called off the wedding, proceeded to lay blame across Amie, and inundate her with charges of being a compulsive liar.
Amie did not know what to do. She had planned on carrying the baby to full term, but she felt hopeless and so mangled. She felt as though she had been tossed into a dismal, manure filled hole of emotion by Scobey's treatment and words.
After all that Scobey did to her, she still felt some obligation to speak with him about the baby and the plans she wanted to make for it. He didn't want to talk to her until there was a paternity test completed. He didn't believe the baby was his and he refused to express his opinion about arrangements until it was proven that it was his. In the meantime, though, he had no problem threatening to obtain full custody, calling Amie a slut, and blaming her for trapping him into a life that he hadn't wanted.
Enough, was enough. Amie decided that she did not want Scobey in her life anymore, not even vicariously through the child's existence. She knew she deserved more than a life of belittlement from a man who used to love her more than anything in the world. She understood Scobey felt hurt and lied to, but she hadn't lied about anything important and she had never meant to hurt him. He was the last person in the world she had wanted to cause hurt upon.
Moreover, she wanted her own life. She had been wrapped around Scobey's for too long that her life barely resembled her anymore. Things would not be any different if she decided to have the baby.
So, Amie made probably the hardest decision of her life. She decided to have her own life; to be unattached to any other human being. To be stronger than she had ever been before. She decided to make her own rules. She resolved that if fate or God did not bless her with future happiness based on this decision that she would have to make her own future happiness.
Amie also decided not to tell Scobey. She had mentioned it to him on the phone one night, that she was considering it based on how she was feeling, how he was feeling, how neither one of them were sure that this was what they really wanted. He got angry at her, blamed her for his proposal in the first place and "why hadn't she decided this earlier?!?!"
Is Amie selfish? Yes, and she doesn't argue that. She defends herself though, saying that she knows it was the best decision for her, her future, her future children...and even for Scobey and his future. Cutting the strings now would make the future less painful for the both of them.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Ideal Man
When you're single you are told two pieces of advice:
1. Figure out what you really want in a man and don't settle for less.
2. No one is going to fit your ideal mold.
Uhhh, so what is a single gal really supposed to do? Those two doctrines contradict themselves. This isn't religion here. So what is the easy answer here about how I am supposed to go about single life?
Regardless, I know what I want in my ideal man...who probably does not exist. Here he is:
1. Figure out what you really want in a man and don't settle for less.
2. No one is going to fit your ideal mold.
Uhhh, so what is a single gal really supposed to do? Those two doctrines contradict themselves. This isn't religion here. So what is the easy answer here about how I am supposed to go about single life?
Regardless, I know what I want in my ideal man...who probably does not exist. Here he is:
- I'm thinking brown hair and brown eyes. That's typically what I am attracted to.
- Tall. I like guys that are about 6 feet despite the fact that I only reach 5'1".
- He has to make me laugh...a lot. He has to laugh at my jokes and sarcastic comments, too.
- He has to be interesting. Have ideas. Have goals. Have opinions.
- He must listen to country music. I've come to realize that vastly different musical tastes can make car rides unenjoyable when you just have anything interesting to really talk about. Doesn't have to only be interested in country, just have it be one of the listened to genres.
- He works out. Not a juice head or anything, but a guy who enjoys being active and tries to lead a healthy lifestyle. He must be able to do more push ups than me in 60 seconds as well.
- He won't make me watch scary movies. He won't try to scare me. I don't like creepy, scary TV shows or movies. If he can respect that, we will get along.
- He has that rugged, country, military, all-American look and attitude; that certain je ne sais quoi about him that is hard to put into words or describe fully. But when you see it, you know he's got it.
- He likes to travel and see new places, have new experiences. I'm all for hanging out and watching a movie on a Saturday night at home, but he has to want to see and learn new things in his life. I'm talking continental US & Europe here.
- He has to understand himself. He has to be comfortable with who he is. He has to be proud of himself and his accomplishments. If he doesn't like something about himself, then he has to be cognizant about that and work towards changing it.
- He has to be my cheerleader too. I'm all for cheering someone on, but it needs to be reciprocated.
- He has to know what is going on in the world. I'm not asking for a politico or a stringent advocate of something, just have a good idea of what social, economic, political, and military events are happening in the world and be able to talk about what he thinks about them.
- He has to be close to his family. If there are issues there I want him to acknowledge them, not hide from them. He has to be his own man though and not depend on his family's ideals as a crutch.
- Have a good job. I don't have credentials of what a "good job" really means, but he has to be responsible.
- Does he have to like football?? Good question. I'm not sure yet. Does he have to have been in a fraternity in college? Another good question. Hmmm. Be a beer drinker? Yes.
- Look like this? YES!
Oh the Places You'll Go
http://realestate.yahoo.com/promo/best-cities-to-move-to-in-america.html?ref=nf
I love where I grew up. I think that the Buffalo-Niagara region is a place that people don't seem to value as much as I think they should. Typically when I travel around the country and I tell them I'm from Buffalo they say one of two things: 1) Oh you get a lot of snow up there! 2) How 'bout them Bills?!
Yes, we do get a decent amount of snow. Yes, our region can get blasted with Lake Effect Snow from Lake Erie and Ontario. But unlike NYC or Albany or DC we are equipped to deal with it. That's why we don't call in the National Guard or declare a State of Emergency every winter. We have, obviously but we don't cry wolf. We cry, "seriously this is for real, get your asses mobilized!!!" And seriously, I'll take snow any day over hurricanes, tornadoes, massive floods, wildfires, and earthquakes.
Yes, the Buffalo Bills. While this season I have no real way of defending my home team, I can say this. The Bills invented the no-huddle offense. Doug Flutie, Bruce Smith, Thurman Thomas, Jim Kelly, OJ Simpson, Andre Reed-- Buffalo Bills players. Buffalo is one of the best stadiums to tailgate at...open containers are acceptable. We did also go to 4 Superbowls 4 consecutive years. Yes, we lost, but no other NFL team has gone in back to back to back to back years. And in the local community, many Bills are present with fundraisers and charity events, like Brian Moorman for Children's Hospital.
What else is so great about the Buffalo-Niagara region? Well I'll tell you.
1.The Falls. Have you ever gone to see it? Pictures are great, but there is nothing like the way you can feel so insignificant when standing besides the powerful waters. Think about all the people who have seen this. Can you imagine being a Native American and stumbling upon this magnificent and powerful setting? It is beautiful in every season too.
2. We have seasons! Spring, Summer, Fall, & Winter!! There is so many things to do and see during all of those!
3. There are at least 10 universities I can think of off the top of my head. Good schools too.
4. Festivals, Fairs, Ghost walks, museums, concerts at many different venues. This is a great place for families. Lake Erie, Niagara River, Lake Ontario bring many options, as well.
5. Buffalo Night Life. Chippewa Street has so many bars and clubs. Different Buffalo districts play hosts to all different sorts of bars, lounges, and restaurants.
6. Anchor Bar and Duff's Wings have amazing chicken wings. Anchor Bar is where the "Buffalo Wing" was invented. By the way, they are called chicken wings here, not Buffalo wings. Speaking of food: Mighty Taco, Ted's, Tim Hortons... The staple of Loganberry beverage.
7. Canada is right there! Want to go to a foreign country? Get your passport, hop in the car, pay $3.25 toll, and you're in Canada. Pretty simple.
8. The people. For whatever reason people here in the Buffalo-Niagara region are very nice, very hospitable. Mr. Rodgers would be very proud at our region of good neighbors.
9. The region is so varied. There are obviously the cities of Buffalo and Niagara Falls, but there are also suburbs (Clarence, West Seneca, Amherst, Orchard Park...), as well as rural areas (Cambria, Newfane, Barker, Akron...) that have their own festivals and culture. As a result there is something for everyone and always something to do!
Just take mine & Yahoo! News Real Estates word for it, ok?
And P.S. I've been to Pittsburgh and many of my friends are from there. It is an awesome place to live too! Very similar to Buffalo-Niagara region.
I love where I grew up. I think that the Buffalo-Niagara region is a place that people don't seem to value as much as I think they should. Typically when I travel around the country and I tell them I'm from Buffalo they say one of two things: 1) Oh you get a lot of snow up there! 2) How 'bout them Bills?!
Yes, we do get a decent amount of snow. Yes, our region can get blasted with Lake Effect Snow from Lake Erie and Ontario. But unlike NYC or Albany or DC we are equipped to deal with it. That's why we don't call in the National Guard or declare a State of Emergency every winter. We have, obviously but we don't cry wolf. We cry, "seriously this is for real, get your asses mobilized!!!" And seriously, I'll take snow any day over hurricanes, tornadoes, massive floods, wildfires, and earthquakes.
Yes, the Buffalo Bills. While this season I have no real way of defending my home team, I can say this. The Bills invented the no-huddle offense. Doug Flutie, Bruce Smith, Thurman Thomas, Jim Kelly, OJ Simpson, Andre Reed-- Buffalo Bills players. Buffalo is one of the best stadiums to tailgate at...open containers are acceptable. We did also go to 4 Superbowls 4 consecutive years. Yes, we lost, but no other NFL team has gone in back to back to back to back years. And in the local community, many Bills are present with fundraisers and charity events, like Brian Moorman for Children's Hospital.
What else is so great about the Buffalo-Niagara region? Well I'll tell you.
1.The Falls. Have you ever gone to see it? Pictures are great, but there is nothing like the way you can feel so insignificant when standing besides the powerful waters. Think about all the people who have seen this. Can you imagine being a Native American and stumbling upon this magnificent and powerful setting? It is beautiful in every season too.
2. We have seasons! Spring, Summer, Fall, & Winter!! There is so many things to do and see during all of those!
3. There are at least 10 universities I can think of off the top of my head. Good schools too.
4. Festivals, Fairs, Ghost walks, museums, concerts at many different venues. This is a great place for families. Lake Erie, Niagara River, Lake Ontario bring many options, as well.
5. Buffalo Night Life. Chippewa Street has so many bars and clubs. Different Buffalo districts play hosts to all different sorts of bars, lounges, and restaurants.
6. Anchor Bar and Duff's Wings have amazing chicken wings. Anchor Bar is where the "Buffalo Wing" was invented. By the way, they are called chicken wings here, not Buffalo wings. Speaking of food: Mighty Taco, Ted's, Tim Hortons... The staple of Loganberry beverage.
7. Canada is right there! Want to go to a foreign country? Get your passport, hop in the car, pay $3.25 toll, and you're in Canada. Pretty simple.
8. The people. For whatever reason people here in the Buffalo-Niagara region are very nice, very hospitable. Mr. Rodgers would be very proud at our region of good neighbors.
9. The region is so varied. There are obviously the cities of Buffalo and Niagara Falls, but there are also suburbs (Clarence, West Seneca, Amherst, Orchard Park...), as well as rural areas (Cambria, Newfane, Barker, Akron...) that have their own festivals and culture. As a result there is something for everyone and always something to do!
Just take mine & Yahoo! News Real Estates word for it, ok?
And P.S. I've been to Pittsburgh and many of my friends are from there. It is an awesome place to live too! Very similar to Buffalo-Niagara region.
I'm no Snookie
Let me first preface this entry by saying that I enjoy reality TV shows. I am a big fan of The Bachelor/Bachelorette on ABC.
I am however not a fan of Jersey Shore. Why? I hate the subliminal messages I think that it sends to those who watch it, particularly those ranging from 13-20 years old who are at the height of their insecurities and desperately feel the need to fit in and fit into a mold.
Please explain to me why it is acceptable that these 20 something Americans think it is perfectly acceptable to get drunk, hit on whatever is dressed in next to nothing, bring her home, get it in there, and then make her leave? While I understand that this happens in the real world, why are we broadcasting it on TV? Are we just being honest with ourselves? Do we value this sort of entertainment in our personal lives? Are those that are watching the show wish that deep down inside themselves that this is what they were like? Are young men looking for pick up tips? Pretty sure that's a yes.
Moreover, I feel that young men and women are getting the idea that this sort of behavior and treatment is the norm, making it acceptable to be treated like a common whore, without the payment. And young women definitely shouldn't be coaxed into thinking this should be the sort of treatment to be expected by the opposite sex.
Why do women think they should dress like that to get attention either? And why should I be made to feel like a prude because I refuse to dress scandalously? I like my parts covered up, thanks. I'm not free, or a bargain. I know for a fact that it is already starting to seep into the dating world.
Sentiments as expressed by Carina who dates in NYC: The wonderful specimens on Jersey Shore certainly do no help my cause at finding decency among men. But why are there women so desperate to sleep with one of those assholes, who basically just needs a hole to get it in, regardless of the quality of said hole! The women who would allow themselves to get into bed with those disgusting men ON CAMERA, thus validating their horrific treatment of women, should never be allowed to have sex again!
As an educator I am definitely worried about the psychological messages it sends to my young female students. I try to provide them with examples of strong, impressive women who have done amazing things in history...but who cares about that when they can get a guy by showing their goodies. It's much easier to get a guy that way, isn't it? Who wants to be strong and impress men with their mind when showing off the goods takes minimal effort and has instant results?
And for my male students, it sends the message that it is acceptable to treat women in a degrading manner. Why should they treat her with decency when she doesn't even respect herself based on her behavior and dress?
So MTV, if you could cancel Jersey Shore, you'd really be helping out the youth of America. It might actually improve the dating scene. Maybe you can get funding through No Child Left Behind or some other government initiative? It would be a humanitarian effort for sure.
I am however not a fan of Jersey Shore. Why? I hate the subliminal messages I think that it sends to those who watch it, particularly those ranging from 13-20 years old who are at the height of their insecurities and desperately feel the need to fit in and fit into a mold.
Please explain to me why it is acceptable that these 20 something Americans think it is perfectly acceptable to get drunk, hit on whatever is dressed in next to nothing, bring her home, get it in there, and then make her leave? While I understand that this happens in the real world, why are we broadcasting it on TV? Are we just being honest with ourselves? Do we value this sort of entertainment in our personal lives? Are those that are watching the show wish that deep down inside themselves that this is what they were like? Are young men looking for pick up tips? Pretty sure that's a yes.
Moreover, I feel that young men and women are getting the idea that this sort of behavior and treatment is the norm, making it acceptable to be treated like a common whore, without the payment. And young women definitely shouldn't be coaxed into thinking this should be the sort of treatment to be expected by the opposite sex.
Why do women think they should dress like that to get attention either? And why should I be made to feel like a prude because I refuse to dress scandalously? I like my parts covered up, thanks. I'm not free, or a bargain. I know for a fact that it is already starting to seep into the dating world.
Sentiments as expressed by Carina who dates in NYC: The wonderful specimens on Jersey Shore certainly do no help my cause at finding decency among men. But why are there women so desperate to sleep with one of those assholes, who basically just needs a hole to get it in, regardless of the quality of said hole! The women who would allow themselves to get into bed with those disgusting men ON CAMERA, thus validating their horrific treatment of women, should never be allowed to have sex again!
As an educator I am definitely worried about the psychological messages it sends to my young female students. I try to provide them with examples of strong, impressive women who have done amazing things in history...but who cares about that when they can get a guy by showing their goodies. It's much easier to get a guy that way, isn't it? Who wants to be strong and impress men with their mind when showing off the goods takes minimal effort and has instant results?
And for my male students, it sends the message that it is acceptable to treat women in a degrading manner. Why should they treat her with decency when she doesn't even respect herself based on her behavior and dress?
So MTV, if you could cancel Jersey Shore, you'd really be helping out the youth of America. It might actually improve the dating scene. Maybe you can get funding through No Child Left Behind or some other government initiative? It would be a humanitarian effort for sure.
Cold Beer Drinker
I'm a big fan of brown glass bottles. I'm also a big fan of frosted glasses. Hello, I'm Lorelai and I'm a cold beer drinker.
For me, one of the most satisfying things in this world is a nice cold, great tasting beer. I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. Ben Franklin, yea the historical guy who is found on $100 bill, said: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Ben's right on this one (the turkey being the national bird of the country...eh not-so-much)! Hundreds of songs have been written about the tasty liquid and enjoying it in a bar, honky-tonk, and tailgate.
I shouldn't have to try to convince you that beer is amazing and by far the best version of alcohol in the univserse. The calories are what make it taste so freakin' good! So enjoy them! And don't order a light beer. That's like ordering a piece of birthday cake...without the frosting. Sad.
During my 8 weeks at boot camp, I craved beer like no other in this world. And its not that I wanted to get loaded...I just wanted that smooth, lovely hops & barley concoction on my lips. In fact, I don't use beer to get loaded. Maybe in my youthful, undergrad days, but definitely not now in my sophisticated graduate days. I think beer should be valued.
Did you know the reason beer is so popular in the more Northern European countries (ie: England, Germany, Denmark) is this thing called The Little Ice Age that happened between the 11th and 12th centuries? They had orginially been more into wine, but the Little Ice Age happened and they no longer had a climate suitable to sustain a large grape crop that wine required. So, they turned to what still would grow in colder temperatures; sturdy and hearty hops, barley, & wheat.
That being said, I am not a beer connoisseur. In fact, I know very little about the creation of, the differences in, and the quality of beer. What I do know is all from trying out different beers and finding the ones I like. And I am a very loyal beer drinker. I know what I like. I know what I don't. But I am willing to try something new if someone recommends I try it...or it has an interesting name or label. Going to resturants that have micro-brews is one of my favorite things. (Huske Hardware & The Mash House in Fayetteville, NC have a fantastic selection of micro-brews for the record.)
My favorites: Molson Canadian, Yuengling Traditional Lager, and Sam Adams Cherry Wheat.
I would love to visit the brewery in Montreal for Molson. Yes, that is one of the things on my to-see list.
So, this Saturday, I'm going to go hang out with the boys, watch some college football at the bar and drink a few ice cold beers. Yes sir, I'm a cold beer drinker.
For me, one of the most satisfying things in this world is a nice cold, great tasting beer. I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. Ben Franklin, yea the historical guy who is found on $100 bill, said: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Ben's right on this one (the turkey being the national bird of the country...eh not-so-much)! Hundreds of songs have been written about the tasty liquid and enjoying it in a bar, honky-tonk, and tailgate.
I shouldn't have to try to convince you that beer is amazing and by far the best version of alcohol in the univserse. The calories are what make it taste so freakin' good! So enjoy them! And don't order a light beer. That's like ordering a piece of birthday cake...without the frosting. Sad.
During my 8 weeks at boot camp, I craved beer like no other in this world. And its not that I wanted to get loaded...I just wanted that smooth, lovely hops & barley concoction on my lips. In fact, I don't use beer to get loaded. Maybe in my youthful, undergrad days, but definitely not now in my sophisticated graduate days. I think beer should be valued.
Did you know the reason beer is so popular in the more Northern European countries (ie: England, Germany, Denmark) is this thing called The Little Ice Age that happened between the 11th and 12th centuries? They had orginially been more into wine, but the Little Ice Age happened and they no longer had a climate suitable to sustain a large grape crop that wine required. So, they turned to what still would grow in colder temperatures; sturdy and hearty hops, barley, & wheat.
That being said, I am not a beer connoisseur. In fact, I know very little about the creation of, the differences in, and the quality of beer. What I do know is all from trying out different beers and finding the ones I like. And I am a very loyal beer drinker. I know what I like. I know what I don't. But I am willing to try something new if someone recommends I try it...or it has an interesting name or label. Going to resturants that have micro-brews is one of my favorite things. (Huske Hardware & The Mash House in Fayetteville, NC have a fantastic selection of micro-brews for the record.)
My favorites: Molson Canadian, Yuengling Traditional Lager, and Sam Adams Cherry Wheat.
I would love to visit the brewery in Montreal for Molson. Yes, that is one of the things on my to-see list.
So, this Saturday, I'm going to go hang out with the boys, watch some college football at the bar and drink a few ice cold beers. Yes sir, I'm a cold beer drinker.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Turner
Awhile back, I became friends with this Canadian guy, Turner. It was after a breakup from a long distance relationship with a man who had meant more to me than my own life. He took me out on the first date I had been on in months. It was the simplest things that he did that made me like him; open a door, call me "dear," look at me intently when I was talking to him, buy my drinks and dinner, and make me laugh.
Turner could make me laugh as I never have before. I felt so simply happy with him. I was content to do nothing with him, just sitting in his black Honda Civic after class, talking for an hour or so. But he also took me on some "Canadian adventures." We went hiking down these awesome trails on the Lower Niagara River. We went to the locals-only bars that I had never seen before when I would frequent Canada before age 21. We drove all around the city of Niagara Falls, Ontario and it was amazing to me because I lived right across the border from this city my entire life, but I didn't know any of this was there.
I was daring with him. I was completely flirtatious. I would tease him mercilessly and he would just go with it, laughing at himself the entire time. He said he liked it when I teased him. He made silly faces, that were simply ridiculous.
I don't know that I had ever felt like this before with a guy. I felt exhilirated and comfortable all at the same time. I opened up to him more than I had with my previous boyfriend. With Turner, I was able to examine myself to my hearts content; something completely foreign to me. I never had to adjust anything about myself around him. Not one thing.
The few weeks that I spent with Turner were unforgettable in the journey of self discovery. I started to see things that I had never realized before about myself. I never believed I was beautiful before. I never knew if I was interesting, or if men just listened to me in order to get laid. We had fun everytime we were together. We went to the beach, we went hiking, we went to the lounge, we went out for dinner, we went to the bar, we hung out with friends, we just hung out at his house. Things I had been dreaming about doing with previous suitors who never seemed game to try or do all these things. Turner and I were able to talk for hours about school, life, what we wanted to do; almost everything. I was able to act tough around him, and he let me play that game, but he knew I wasn't. He would comfort me when I was upset. He understood how I thought about nearly everything. He thought I was amazing...and for once, he didn't change his mind about that.
Turner could make me laugh as I never have before. I felt so simply happy with him. I was content to do nothing with him, just sitting in his black Honda Civic after class, talking for an hour or so. But he also took me on some "Canadian adventures." We went hiking down these awesome trails on the Lower Niagara River. We went to the locals-only bars that I had never seen before when I would frequent Canada before age 21. We drove all around the city of Niagara Falls, Ontario and it was amazing to me because I lived right across the border from this city my entire life, but I didn't know any of this was there.
I was daring with him. I was completely flirtatious. I would tease him mercilessly and he would just go with it, laughing at himself the entire time. He said he liked it when I teased him. He made silly faces, that were simply ridiculous.
I don't know that I had ever felt like this before with a guy. I felt exhilirated and comfortable all at the same time. I opened up to him more than I had with my previous boyfriend. With Turner, I was able to examine myself to my hearts content; something completely foreign to me. I never had to adjust anything about myself around him. Not one thing.
The few weeks that I spent with Turner were unforgettable in the journey of self discovery. I started to see things that I had never realized before about myself. I never believed I was beautiful before. I never knew if I was interesting, or if men just listened to me in order to get laid. We had fun everytime we were together. We went to the beach, we went hiking, we went to the lounge, we went out for dinner, we went to the bar, we hung out with friends, we just hung out at his house. Things I had been dreaming about doing with previous suitors who never seemed game to try or do all these things. Turner and I were able to talk for hours about school, life, what we wanted to do; almost everything. I was able to act tough around him, and he let me play that game, but he knew I wasn't. He would comfort me when I was upset. He understood how I thought about nearly everything. He thought I was amazing...and for once, he didn't change his mind about that.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Last One Down the Aisle Wins
Yes, I went there. I went to Barnes & Nobles and went to the Relationship section. Yes, I went there. I bought a book. But it is a really good book. It's titled: Last One Down the Aisle Wins by Shannon Fox and Celeste Liversidge. It is about the "10 keys to a fabulous single life now and an even better marriage later." It is aimed at women in their 20s, demonstrating that their 20s are not a time to wait- for a man, marriage, better job, for life to really start happening. It is about taking time to become the best, strongest whole person you can be-- at least that's what the back cover says.
Anyways, here are Fox & Liversidge's 10 Keys....
1. Get a connected life by investing in friendships
2. Get a peaceful family life and make peace with your difficult family dynamics
3. Get a fulfilling work life and figure out what you want to be when you grow up
4. Get a smart financial life and take charge of your money
5. Get an emotionally stable life and manage your emotions
6. Get a self-accepting life and appreciate your body
7. Get an independent life and establish yourself away from your parents
8. Get a spiritual life and clarify your beliefs
9. Get a sexy life and honor your sexuality
10. Get an exciting life and pursue adventure
It actually is a pretty decent book, filled with quizzes and assessments. Like Cosmo, only less sex-obsessed and more self-focused.
Anyways, here are Fox & Liversidge's 10 Keys....
1. Get a connected life by investing in friendships
2. Get a peaceful family life and make peace with your difficult family dynamics
3. Get a fulfilling work life and figure out what you want to be when you grow up
4. Get a smart financial life and take charge of your money
5. Get an emotionally stable life and manage your emotions
6. Get a self-accepting life and appreciate your body
7. Get an independent life and establish yourself away from your parents
8. Get a spiritual life and clarify your beliefs
9. Get a sexy life and honor your sexuality
10. Get an exciting life and pursue adventure
It actually is a pretty decent book, filled with quizzes and assessments. Like Cosmo, only less sex-obsessed and more self-focused.
Marry Yourself
Check out this article: http://www.someecards.com/2010/10/22/woman-marries-herself-taiwan
A 30 year old woman in Taiwan marries herself. Sounds like an odd thing to do. But the woman explains that when you get to be a certain age in Taiwan if they aren't settling down and having a husband and family, it can make those single gals feel inadequate, probably unfulfilled in Taiwan's society. Moreover, the woman explains that we tend to shower our "sweetie" with gifts and attention, many times leaving ourselves out to dry. Expressing your love for a man through a marriage and huge wedding should be something you're also willing to do for yourself. Self-marriage seems logical.
She isn't the only one to think so. Samantha, from Sex and the City, breaks up with Smith. Why? "I love you, but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on."
Now I am not saying that I'm going to throw myself a wedding [although I do have the dress, flowers, and centerpieces ready...] What I am thinking about it is the concept of really treating yourself well. So many times women, including myself, get lost in the world and dreams of their significant other. My personal jury is still out deciding whether or not this is how it should be when you really love someone, but what they have decided on is that I need to treat myself with as much respect and love that I have given to my significant other. If I don't, how can I expect him to really treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated?
A 30 year old woman in Taiwan marries herself. Sounds like an odd thing to do. But the woman explains that when you get to be a certain age in Taiwan if they aren't settling down and having a husband and family, it can make those single gals feel inadequate, probably unfulfilled in Taiwan's society. Moreover, the woman explains that we tend to shower our "sweetie" with gifts and attention, many times leaving ourselves out to dry. Expressing your love for a man through a marriage and huge wedding should be something you're also willing to do for yourself. Self-marriage seems logical.
She isn't the only one to think so. Samantha, from Sex and the City, breaks up with Smith. Why? "I love you, but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on."
Now I am not saying that I'm going to throw myself a wedding [although I do have the dress, flowers, and centerpieces ready...] What I am thinking about it is the concept of really treating yourself well. So many times women, including myself, get lost in the world and dreams of their significant other. My personal jury is still out deciding whether or not this is how it should be when you really love someone, but what they have decided on is that I need to treat myself with as much respect and love that I have given to my significant other. If I don't, how can I expect him to really treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated?
This Ain't a Fairy Tale
I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairy tale.
That's right. Despite the fact that Sleeping Beauty figurines and "princess" paraphernalia decorates a few shelves in my room, I am not a princess. Moreover, I do not belong in a fairy tale. Not one you've created or one that I have concocted.
I hate when I start off dating someone new. They think I'm amazing and go on and on about all these great qualities that I have. And I do. It's not that I don't acknowledge that fact. However, its many times the fact that at first they can't seem to get past those stunning qualities and see that I am a real woman.
Read: I am a real woman. I have issues. I have faults. I make mistakes. I say things I shouldn't. I get angry, sad, frustrated, and 500 different emotions. I'm stubborn and sarcastic. I complain. I am selfish. I change my mind. Then, I'm dead set on a certain path.
But,
I'm also smart, funny, beautiful, confident, selfless, happy, excited, flawless, and articulate my thoughts and feelings perfectly at times. I love like crazy. I believe in lost causes. I laugh. I am goofy. I am brillant and witty. I am patient. I am loyal if you give me your love back. I am flexible. I will trust you.
I am not a stock character even on my best days.
I shouldn't be put on a pedestal for making all your dreams come true. If I am, that's when I disappoint you, and you end up leaving me.
For all those boys who thought I was this fairy tale come true [Zach, Cerda, Maj, Clint, & Brandon]:: I need a man who loves the "perfect side" of me and the other side too. I am a complete package- this isn't an a la carte menu where you can pick and choose to love the best parts of me, and decide you'd like to bail when the fantasy doesn't fully manifest. I hope that you do find that fantasy woman...call me when you do. I'd like to meet this perfect creature, who fell in love with a mere mortal like yourself.
That's right. Despite the fact that Sleeping Beauty figurines and "princess" paraphernalia decorates a few shelves in my room, I am not a princess. Moreover, I do not belong in a fairy tale. Not one you've created or one that I have concocted.
I hate when I start off dating someone new. They think I'm amazing and go on and on about all these great qualities that I have. And I do. It's not that I don't acknowledge that fact. However, its many times the fact that at first they can't seem to get past those stunning qualities and see that I am a real woman.
Read: I am a real woman. I have issues. I have faults. I make mistakes. I say things I shouldn't. I get angry, sad, frustrated, and 500 different emotions. I'm stubborn and sarcastic. I complain. I am selfish. I change my mind. Then, I'm dead set on a certain path.
But,
I'm also smart, funny, beautiful, confident, selfless, happy, excited, flawless, and articulate my thoughts and feelings perfectly at times. I love like crazy. I believe in lost causes. I laugh. I am goofy. I am brillant and witty. I am patient. I am loyal if you give me your love back. I am flexible. I will trust you.
I am not a stock character even on my best days.
I shouldn't be put on a pedestal for making all your dreams come true. If I am, that's when I disappoint you, and you end up leaving me.
For all those boys who thought I was this fairy tale come true [Zach, Cerda, Maj, Clint, & Brandon]:: I need a man who loves the "perfect side" of me and the other side too. I am a complete package- this isn't an a la carte menu where you can pick and choose to love the best parts of me, and decide you'd like to bail when the fantasy doesn't fully manifest. I hope that you do find that fantasy woman...call me when you do. I'd like to meet this perfect creature, who fell in love with a mere mortal like yourself.
Song Lover
I love music. It instantly can change my mood. Some lyrics speak to my soul.
However, many times, it isn't the sentimental, loving, or life-meaningful songs that awake me and put me in a better mind set. Rather they are the "party songs" that really get me going and tend to change my mood. This is especially true when I blast them in my car. Windows should be down doing this operation as well for optimal mood enhancement.
Some amazing lyrics/songs:
"Oh, hell yeah. My head hurts. I got whiskey and lip gloss on my new shirt. All I know is, we went out and done it up right. I rode a bull, did a keg stand, shotgunned a beer can, Jumped in and broke up a fight. Now, it's Saturday mornin,' I'm hungover, but damn what Friday night." - I'm Hungover, Luke Bryan
"My fall back plan, has done got sad, 'cause my ex-girlfriend ain't looking half bad! Yea, it's time to take my drunk ass home."- Time to Take my Drunk Ass Home, Luke Bryan
"You’re talking to a stranger, I’m not that girl anymore. That girl is long gone; Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away. Long gone. She’s not drowning in her yesterdays. Betcha never thought I’d be that strong.Well this girl is long gone."- Long Gone, Lady Antebellum
"She said this ain't where my road ends. This may not be my town, it'll do for now, til I can figure out, who I am, where I'm going. She's slinging eggs and bacon, with a college education. Just hanging out and waiting, for a better plan, she's ok not knowing, she's young, and the world's wide open."- Wide Open, Jason Aldean
"I use what I got. Take what I get. Give Until I ain't got nothin' left. Then I give it some more. Keep on climbing up that mountain. Keep truckin' along, work up a sweat. Pass every no, after no, after no, till I get a yes. I don't worry about what I'm not. I use what I got." -Use What I Got, Jason Aldean
"She wants her nails painted black. She wants the toy in the crackerjack. She wants to ride the bull at the rodeo." -Feel that Fire, Dierks Bentley
"These old boots still got a lot of ground they ain’t covered yet. There’s at least another million miles under these old bus treads. So if you think I’m gonna settle down, I‘ve got news for you. I still got a lot of leavin’ left to do."- Lot of Leaving Left, Dierks Bentley
"And I don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first, Fearless. And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless."- Fearless, Taylor Swift
Note: They all have some pretty fantastic beats. When you're feeling bummed, turn one on. You won't be sorry!
However, many times, it isn't the sentimental, loving, or life-meaningful songs that awake me and put me in a better mind set. Rather they are the "party songs" that really get me going and tend to change my mood. This is especially true when I blast them in my car. Windows should be down doing this operation as well for optimal mood enhancement.
Some amazing lyrics/songs:
"Oh, hell yeah. My head hurts. I got whiskey and lip gloss on my new shirt. All I know is, we went out and done it up right. I rode a bull, did a keg stand, shotgunned a beer can, Jumped in and broke up a fight. Now, it's Saturday mornin,' I'm hungover, but damn what Friday night." - I'm Hungover, Luke Bryan
"My fall back plan, has done got sad, 'cause my ex-girlfriend ain't looking half bad! Yea, it's time to take my drunk ass home."- Time to Take my Drunk Ass Home, Luke Bryan
"You’re talking to a stranger, I’m not that girl anymore. That girl is long gone; Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away. Long gone. She’s not drowning in her yesterdays. Betcha never thought I’d be that strong.Well this girl is long gone."- Long Gone, Lady Antebellum
"She said this ain't where my road ends. This may not be my town, it'll do for now, til I can figure out, who I am, where I'm going. She's slinging eggs and bacon, with a college education. Just hanging out and waiting, for a better plan, she's ok not knowing, she's young, and the world's wide open."- Wide Open, Jason Aldean
"I use what I got. Take what I get. Give Until I ain't got nothin' left. Then I give it some more. Keep on climbing up that mountain. Keep truckin' along, work up a sweat. Pass every no, after no, after no, till I get a yes. I don't worry about what I'm not. I use what I got." -Use What I Got, Jason Aldean
"She wants her nails painted black. She wants the toy in the crackerjack. She wants to ride the bull at the rodeo." -Feel that Fire, Dierks Bentley
"These old boots still got a lot of ground they ain’t covered yet. There’s at least another million miles under these old bus treads. So if you think I’m gonna settle down, I‘ve got news for you. I still got a lot of leavin’ left to do."- Lot of Leaving Left, Dierks Bentley
"And I don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first, Fearless. And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless."- Fearless, Taylor Swift
Note: They all have some pretty fantastic beats. When you're feeling bummed, turn one on. You won't be sorry!
The Beauty of Fall
I love fall. It is my favorite season. There are the beautiful leaves and colors. There are "Back to School" specials at the stores. There is Thanksgiving, turkey, and cranberry sauce. Pilgrims. Indians. Halloween. The crunchy noise leaves make when you step on them. Pumpkins & corn stalks. Mazes in corn fields. Ghost walks. Fashionable European scarves & cowboy boot weather. Tailgating with some beers and great friends. Oh, yea...and that amazing sport we call American Football. Boys in tight pants & shoulder pads? Yup, that's my kind of stud!! 
But no matter how amazing football can be (and it definitely is!), my absolute favorite thing about the season is: Allegheny College Homecoming. Which is exactly where I was this past weekend. I revisited my old undergraduate place of 3 wonderful and meaningful years, spent time with friends that mean more than words can properly express, and tailgated for the football game! Basically, it was a perfect fall day...
Suicide
I have always seemed to be a little bit more on the melancholy side of happiness. Maybe it is the perfectionist in me that knows my life is far from perfect feeling deep sadness. I'm not really sure.
What I am sure is that I lost two men from my brother flight (265) from BMT within a week. Both men, committed suicide.
I've never known anyone to commit suicide before. Now I know two. We have these events called "Safety Down Days" where we are forced to watch videos telling us to watch for signs within our fellow airmen who might be contemplating ending their lives. They all advise us to have them speak with a Chaplin...but the joke is that, once they do, they'll want to commit suicide even more because they'll be getting a discharge.
I don't know what was happening with Green & Alvarez that the both felt that ending their lives was the answer. I don't know why they felt that this could be the answer. I don't know that they really vocalized these feelings to anyone from back home or at their duty stations.
What I do know is that I feel a great sense of loss. Loss of two wonderful young men who were doing something very meaningful with their life, yet still felt an emptiness inside that couldn't be silenced. They were heroes, didn't they know that?!?! Wasn't there anyone they could have talked to in order to convince them that this wasn't the answer? They were doing a great thing for themselves and their family...and now their families must mourn the loss of their young sons.
I wish that they would have found solace here on earth....
R.I.P. Airman Green
R.I.P. Airman Alvarez
What I am sure is that I lost two men from my brother flight (265) from BMT within a week. Both men, committed suicide.
I've never known anyone to commit suicide before. Now I know two. We have these events called "Safety Down Days" where we are forced to watch videos telling us to watch for signs within our fellow airmen who might be contemplating ending their lives. They all advise us to have them speak with a Chaplin...but the joke is that, once they do, they'll want to commit suicide even more because they'll be getting a discharge.
I don't know what was happening with Green & Alvarez that the both felt that ending their lives was the answer. I don't know why they felt that this could be the answer. I don't know that they really vocalized these feelings to anyone from back home or at their duty stations.
What I do know is that I feel a great sense of loss. Loss of two wonderful young men who were doing something very meaningful with their life, yet still felt an emptiness inside that couldn't be silenced. They were heroes, didn't they know that?!?! Wasn't there anyone they could have talked to in order to convince them that this wasn't the answer? They were doing a great thing for themselves and their family...and now their families must mourn the loss of their young sons.
I wish that they would have found solace here on earth....
R.I.P. Airman Green
R.I.P. Airman Alvarez
High Crawl
“If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, ‘But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.’”- I Wrote This For You
Those 8 weeks at boot camp were some of the longest days of my life. They were some of the most challenging times, mentally and physically. I thought that I was prepared, but I know now, no amount of preparation could have prepared me ever.
It's not that I was out of shape. I was in really good shape. It's not that I couldn't take being yelled at. I could, but I did hate it. It's not that I couldn't take being away from my family. I had been on my own in North Carolina before hand. It's not that I couldn't stand being in a bay of 59 other women. It definitely wasn't an ideal situation, but I have come out with some amazing women for friends.
Ok, so if I could handle all that stuff, what was so challenging?
Can you say Beast Week's Obstacle Course, high crawling up a hill? This is one of the things that sticks out in my mind. Many of the other times have blended together to just become a time in my life that I didn't really love, but this...this hill was a challenge.
I was so scared. I literally started crying as I stood in line with Wirdges and Bouton. I had a helmet & ballistic vest on with an M16 in my hand and there I was as the rain was starting to come down (very picturesque). I was so afraid that I would not actually be able to high crawl up that damn hill, at a 45 degree angle, at least 200 feet, probably more I just can't fathom how many feet would really be in a hill that size. Wirdges told me it would be all right; that she'd be right there by my side.
She was. She high crawled up that damn hill beside me and encouraged me as the sand got in my eyes, as my helmet fell over my face, as I became exhausted, as I got soaked from the rain, as I got sand in places where no one should get sand...
I have no idea how I really made it up that hill. I don't even know how long it all took. It felt like it was never going to happen, but there I was, getting over the hump in the hill and I was seeing 265/266 building temper tents together.
Since, I have come to the conclusion that the hill should be a metaphor for life and life's many challenges. Sometimes I am scared to death about doing something. But, with determination, encouragement, and strong will, I am able to get to struggle up the hill and eventually reach the easier place in the plateau.
While I might have hated it; While I might have feared it; I can say that I lived through that...and it has definitely helped to shape who I am.
Those 8 weeks at boot camp were some of the longest days of my life. They were some of the most challenging times, mentally and physically. I thought that I was prepared, but I know now, no amount of preparation could have prepared me ever.
It's not that I was out of shape. I was in really good shape. It's not that I couldn't take being yelled at. I could, but I did hate it. It's not that I couldn't take being away from my family. I had been on my own in North Carolina before hand. It's not that I couldn't stand being in a bay of 59 other women. It definitely wasn't an ideal situation, but I have come out with some amazing women for friends.
Ok, so if I could handle all that stuff, what was so challenging?
Can you say Beast Week's Obstacle Course, high crawling up a hill? This is one of the things that sticks out in my mind. Many of the other times have blended together to just become a time in my life that I didn't really love, but this...this hill was a challenge.
I was so scared. I literally started crying as I stood in line with Wirdges and Bouton. I had a helmet & ballistic vest on with an M16 in my hand and there I was as the rain was starting to come down (very picturesque). I was so afraid that I would not actually be able to high crawl up that damn hill, at a 45 degree angle, at least 200 feet, probably more I just can't fathom how many feet would really be in a hill that size. Wirdges told me it would be all right; that she'd be right there by my side.
She was. She high crawled up that damn hill beside me and encouraged me as the sand got in my eyes, as my helmet fell over my face, as I became exhausted, as I got soaked from the rain, as I got sand in places where no one should get sand...
I have no idea how I really made it up that hill. I don't even know how long it all took. It felt like it was never going to happen, but there I was, getting over the hump in the hill and I was seeing 265/266 building temper tents together.
Since, I have come to the conclusion that the hill should be a metaphor for life and life's many challenges. Sometimes I am scared to death about doing something. But, with determination, encouragement, and strong will, I am able to get to struggle up the hill and eventually reach the easier place in the plateau.
While I might have hated it; While I might have feared it; I can say that I lived through that...and it has definitely helped to shape who I am.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Before I'm 30 List
People always refer to their Bucket List. The things in life they want to do before they die. Me, on the other hand, I'm a bit more ambitious. I want to have as many adventures and things crossed off my list by the time I'm 30. Why wait until I am old, have decaying bones, poor health, mortgage, possible spouse, children, grandchildren, and medical bills to worry about? More responsibility. The only things I have to worry about these days are my career, paying back student loans, and my car note. Just me. These are minimal in comparison. These are the days to conquer my list!
So my list:
1. Backpack/travel to England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, France, Germany, Italy (again), Greece, Denmark, Sweden, Russia, Mexico, Peru....Quebec....maybe a few others!
2. Get deployed to the Middle East.
3. Live overseas for at least 3 months.
4. Drive through all 48 continental United States.
5. Get published.
6. Research.
7. Join an alumna chapter & be involved.
8. Visit Nashville & see St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.
9. Go on an amazing vacation with my best friends.
10. Get tenure! (Wooo! Go me!)
11. Live in another state for at least a year.
12. Purchase a(nother) Jeep Wrangler.
13. Go deer hunting.
14. Make a palpable difference in a student's life.
15. Spoil my nephew and little cousins.
16. Take way too many pictures.
17. Fall in love (again).
18. Meet a celebrity. Preferably Luke Bryan.
19. Give back to Epsilon Iota & Allegheny College.
20. Visit NYC.
21. Throw my parent's an anniversary party.
22. Speak fluent Italian.
As for what I plan to do after I'm 30...well, I haven't really thought about it much. I figure once I start crossing things off this list I'll think of more things I want to tackle. Let's face it, what I tackle, I conquer.
Ideas for the After I'm 30 List: jump out of an airplane; get married? maybe?; kids? maybe?; house? maybe? ehhh guess I'll figure that list out after this one is finished!
So my list:
1. Backpack/travel to England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, France, Germany, Italy (again), Greece, Denmark, Sweden, Russia, Mexico, Peru....Quebec....maybe a few others!
2. Get deployed to the Middle East.
3. Live overseas for at least 3 months.
4. Drive through all 48 continental United States.
5. Get published.
6. Research.
7. Join an alumna chapter & be involved.
8. Visit Nashville & see St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.
9. Go on an amazing vacation with my best friends.
10. Get tenure! (Wooo! Go me!)
11. Live in another state for at least a year.
12. Purchase a(nother) Jeep Wrangler.
13. Go deer hunting.
14. Make a palpable difference in a student's life.
15. Spoil my nephew and little cousins.
16. Take way too many pictures.
17. Fall in love (again).
18. Meet a celebrity. Preferably Luke Bryan.
19. Give back to Epsilon Iota & Allegheny College.
20. Visit NYC.
21. Throw my parent's an anniversary party.
22. Speak fluent Italian.
As for what I plan to do after I'm 30...well, I haven't really thought about it much. I figure once I start crossing things off this list I'll think of more things I want to tackle. Let's face it, what I tackle, I conquer.
Ideas for the After I'm 30 List: jump out of an airplane; get married? maybe?; kids? maybe?; house? maybe? ehhh guess I'll figure that list out after this one is finished!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Bryanites
I find solace, inspiration, and my true emotions in music. The lyrics, the beat, the tempo, the instruments, the voice. Certain songs pull on my heartstrings the way nothing else can. (Hence the "troubadours" part of the blog.)
Less than a week ago I drove down to Georgia for a concert. Now normally this wouldn't be a big deal, going to a concert. However, this concert, I HAD to go. I was attempting to find peace and happiness, while attempting not to feel heartache and sadness. I stumbled upon the answer, or what I thought was the answer, after class. I was online and happened to go on the Luke Bryan website. There it was! My ticket to happiness-- 4 concerts in Georgia around the very same time I planned to visit my cousin in Atlanta. DONE DEAL. I bought the ticket for the Thursday night concert in Carrollton, a town I had never been to before in my life, packed up my car, and made the estimated trip of 15hours 22minutes in 14hours.
Luke Bryan entered the stage around 9:30pm. It was amazing. He came out fire blazing. The entire night was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I felt alive again. I felt invigorated. I felt like ME. I felt whole.
Less than a week ago I drove down to Georgia for a concert. Now normally this wouldn't be a big deal, going to a concert. However, this concert, I HAD to go. I was attempting to find peace and happiness, while attempting not to feel heartache and sadness. I stumbled upon the answer, or what I thought was the answer, after class. I was online and happened to go on the Luke Bryan website. There it was! My ticket to happiness-- 4 concerts in Georgia around the very same time I planned to visit my cousin in Atlanta. DONE DEAL. I bought the ticket for the Thursday night concert in Carrollton, a town I had never been to before in my life, packed up my car, and made the estimated trip of 15hours 22minutes in 14hours.
Luke Bryan entered the stage around 9:30pm. It was amazing. He came out fire blazing. The entire night was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I felt alive again. I felt invigorated. I felt like ME. I felt whole.
Since the concert I have become more thoroughly obsessed with this country star. I haven't felt this way since I was in 5th grade, my room plastered with Backstreet Boys posters and fan club merchandise. I was gushing and blushing as I retold Thursday nights events to Carina. She laughed and said I was smitten. It was true! I was absolutely smitten with this image of Luke Bryan- his words, his smile, his boots, his jeans, his voice. I guess its probably a more safer rebound relationship!
I think what I'm so smitten with is his way wording everything and the way it spoke to me in my desperate hour. I've seen him in concert before, which was amazing as well, but not in the way in which it was this past Thursday. His last concert, the one I drove 14hours to see, was akin to a religious experience for me. I felt passion, life, and contentment flowing through my veins. I felt safe, as though I could find protection from his lyrics of wisdom.
Yes, I realize how goofy all this sounds, and I promise I am a sane woman. However, to take my smitten-ness further Carina and I have decided to become religious followers of Luke Bryan, calling ourselves Bryanites. We plan to make a statue in his likeness, take a pilgrimage to see him and hear his word, and celebrate him and his mantras with feast days. To add to the silliness I have organized some Bryanite mantras, in case you readers are interested in following the new found religious order.
1. Rain makes corn. Corn makes whiskey.
2. Wish this high noon Georgia sun could melt what's been done, make it disappear.
3. There's only one thing you can do. Don't worry about nothing. Let it go see what tomorrow brings. Don't worry about nothing. Pray about everything.
4. You're like a early morning Monday, bringing me down, messing with my mood.
5. Some folks aren't happy the way they are. Some just wanna take things just a little too far. I am just what I am. I'm just what you see. So I'll make it easy, I'll stay me.
6. You need hands, rough not soft, to come and warm you up in that cold hayloft. Let me hold you little darling, in my big strong arms, can't get these kind of muscles anywhere but a farm.
7. Love is blind. Fate don't care.
8. All I know is we went out and done it up right.
9. Well I worked all week, so I could come here, and have a nice cold beer. But 1 turned to 10 and 10 turned to 20, and 20 plus an empty bottle is too damn many.
10. I ain't got a clue what went down, so I started calling around. And all my friends say...
Is There an App for That?
Grief. Sadness. Crying. Indifference. Defiance. Contempt. Independence. Happiness. Freedom. Loneliness. Ambivalence. These are just some of the emotions I have been feeling in the last month as I have put forth in my effort for my heart to forget Maj. It has not been easy. After roughly 2 full weeks of crying, crippling depression, and just mangled feelings in general, I was able to, for the past 2 weeks start breathing again. I have started to see the signs of my full acceptance of what has occurred. I have started to believe in the positive things in my life, rather than focusing on this negative. I have felt very happy; felt alive even.
Despite these positive emotions I have been having I also have my moments of sadness. I can't say it is even just a singular moment where tears fall from my eyes. Mostly it feels like a headache does...it is there, you notice it, but still you have to trudge along and not pay it much heed. It is a constant emotion that I simply can not shake. There are times when it is not present at all; like when I was front row at the Luke Bryan concert last week. But then there are times when I know its there, I let myself feel terribly sad for a moment, but rather than have it disappear, the sting of sadness? regret? longing? love unrequited? remains.
After other breakups I would see something or think of a memory and immediately start bawling. Once I had calmed down and the crying ceased, I felt better. I was able to cry out my frustration and feelings then. This time around though, I can't seem to be able to fall back on my normal remedy to fix my heart.
So here I ask, in this world of technology, where everything seems to have a quick solution...Is there an app for that? Is there an app for moving on? Is there a special formula I should follow in order to see results? Is there a guide to the galaxy of a broken heart?
I've enlisted advice from some of my closest friends. All weekend I asked my cousin how she was able to move on from her previous long term relationship. Carina always helps me whenever I send her a message stating my disapproval of how I am handling the situation. The truth is, I don't know how to handle this! I don't feel like myself! I feel so much more mature than I have in past breakups. While this should be a good thing, I simply don't understand how a mature woman deals with such heartache. Why aren't I crying? Why am I able to feel so happy so soon after? How can I still miss him? How can I believe things happen for a reason? Why am I not crying all the time?
Charlotte York says that it takes half as long to move on from a past relationship as you were in it (meaning: 1 year relationship, 6 months of grief before fully moving on). Laura says it just takes time, but that I will be able to fully recover. Carina says there is no set place or stage that I should be in at this time. "As long as you're doing the best that you know how to do, you're fine! You're making strides and I'm so proud of you!" Elizabeth Gilbert once drove into a new relationship, another time she took a year hiatus to Italy, India, and Bali. Carrie Bradshaw starts dating again sometimes, others she dyes her hair and redecorates her apartment. Hayden suggests just getting back in there and playing the game with new boys.
So again I ask for a simpler solution: Is there an app for that?
Is recovering from heartache an individual process? Or can it/should it follow some sort of established protocol in order receive the fullest results? Is there a right and wrong way to move through the termination of a relationship?
Despite these positive emotions I have been having I also have my moments of sadness. I can't say it is even just a singular moment where tears fall from my eyes. Mostly it feels like a headache does...it is there, you notice it, but still you have to trudge along and not pay it much heed. It is a constant emotion that I simply can not shake. There are times when it is not present at all; like when I was front row at the Luke Bryan concert last week. But then there are times when I know its there, I let myself feel terribly sad for a moment, but rather than have it disappear, the sting of sadness? regret? longing? love unrequited? remains.
After other breakups I would see something or think of a memory and immediately start bawling. Once I had calmed down and the crying ceased, I felt better. I was able to cry out my frustration and feelings then. This time around though, I can't seem to be able to fall back on my normal remedy to fix my heart.
So here I ask, in this world of technology, where everything seems to have a quick solution...Is there an app for that? Is there an app for moving on? Is there a special formula I should follow in order to see results? Is there a guide to the galaxy of a broken heart?
I've enlisted advice from some of my closest friends. All weekend I asked my cousin how she was able to move on from her previous long term relationship. Carina always helps me whenever I send her a message stating my disapproval of how I am handling the situation. The truth is, I don't know how to handle this! I don't feel like myself! I feel so much more mature than I have in past breakups. While this should be a good thing, I simply don't understand how a mature woman deals with such heartache. Why aren't I crying? Why am I able to feel so happy so soon after? How can I still miss him? How can I believe things happen for a reason? Why am I not crying all the time?
Charlotte York says that it takes half as long to move on from a past relationship as you were in it (meaning: 1 year relationship, 6 months of grief before fully moving on). Laura says it just takes time, but that I will be able to fully recover. Carina says there is no set place or stage that I should be in at this time. "As long as you're doing the best that you know how to do, you're fine! You're making strides and I'm so proud of you!" Elizabeth Gilbert once drove into a new relationship, another time she took a year hiatus to Italy, India, and Bali. Carrie Bradshaw starts dating again sometimes, others she dyes her hair and redecorates her apartment. Hayden suggests just getting back in there and playing the game with new boys.
So again I ask for a simpler solution: Is there an app for that?
Is recovering from heartache an individual process? Or can it/should it follow some sort of established protocol in order receive the fullest results? Is there a right and wrong way to move through the termination of a relationship?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My Last Name
I have often declared to my boyfriends and my friends that I love my last name. That I do not want to change it when (...should I say and if?...) I get married. Men tend to shrink away when I state this declaration of near independence.
The "What about when you have kids? You'll have a different last name from them!" argument:
Yes. Thank you for noticing. Parents who have been divorced and are remarried typically have a different last name than their children from a previous union do as well. Sometimes single mothers give their children the father's last name. In today's society, this is not something that is too much of a problem. In fact some colleagues actually have students write their parent's home/work phone number down with what they should be addressed as.
The "You should take the husband's last name, that's what everyone else does. It's tradition" argument:
Ahh the tradition argument. Yes, you're right, it is tradition. It is a custom we [those of us who are of European decent] have adopted since taking on last names in the Middle Ages. I get that; the men were the breadwinners of the day, they ruled the house, they were the only ones who had a true legal identity, so yes, it makes sense that women would take on their husband's last name upon marriage. Perhaps it is even romantic to think about your identity being merged with your love's.
But we no longer take on the other part of the original custom; women have a legal identity in today's society here in the U.S. Remember, that little thing called the 19th Amendment? It gave women the right to vote and made us separate citizens in legal terms from our fathers (after 18) and our husbands. (Why do you think divorce is so messy these days? If we weren't legal citizens we wouldn't be able to sue for divorce -unless on the grounds of adultery- and we'd have no assets to fight to regain. It would all be our husband's since the moment our hand passed from our father's to his.)
Now I understand it is partially a sentimental tradition. But so is having a big, fancy, 19th century inspired wedding gown & a groom in a tux. Think Queen Victoria's wedding. Doesn't mean it is necessary. Customs change. In colonial times, women wore yellow wedding dresses to symbolize constancy. And there is nothing in the Bible that mandates wedding dresses, last names, etc.
My Last Name argument:
My last name is important to me. It sounds right with my first name.
I am in the reserves. I went to basic training. One of the most exciting moments of those 8 weeks was finally getting my name tape sewn onto my ABU jacket. I felt as though I had earned the right to my last name. Now, I haven't gone on a deployment yet, but I know that when I do, I will come home with even more pride in the name I wear across my chest.
My grandfather was in the Army in WWII. He and I share the same last name. Now that I too am in the military I feel a connection to him that I was unable to make when he was alive.
I use my last name in my professional career outside of the military as well. My certifications are in my last name. I am called by my last name. I claim authorship to my writing and research with my last name.
My last name is part of who I am. It is a symbol of who I am and I do not want to let go of it, simply because I decide to spend my life with a single person. I do not see myself as only my first name. I am that weird Latin/Italian/Germanic mix that is represented in my namesakes. Just like I am a country girl and city lover co-mingling within the same being.
I do not fault or judge women who change their last name when they get married. I think that in the 21st century it is a personal choice driven out of the 1970s feminist movement; just like birth control. I choose to keep mine.
I don't see why I can't be referred to as Mrs. Bryan in my personal life. Why can't I call up the pizza shop and tell them that the pick up order is under Mrs. Bryan instead of Ms. Gilmore? Why can't I let my son's friends call me Mrs. Bryan? It's only legally that I'm trying to preserve my name, not necessarily socially.
Hopefully Mr. Right will understand. If not, maybe I can give up something else. Perhaps I'll offer him a den with big comfy couches, big screen TV, bar, and pool table where he can watch football games all season if I can legally keep my last name.
When we walk into the wedding reception, they can even say "Introducing Mr & Mrs Bryan." I promise I won't mind.
The "What about when you have kids? You'll have a different last name from them!" argument:
Yes. Thank you for noticing. Parents who have been divorced and are remarried typically have a different last name than their children from a previous union do as well. Sometimes single mothers give their children the father's last name. In today's society, this is not something that is too much of a problem. In fact some colleagues actually have students write their parent's home/work phone number down with what they should be addressed as.
The "You should take the husband's last name, that's what everyone else does. It's tradition" argument:
Ahh the tradition argument. Yes, you're right, it is tradition. It is a custom we [those of us who are of European decent] have adopted since taking on last names in the Middle Ages. I get that; the men were the breadwinners of the day, they ruled the house, they were the only ones who had a true legal identity, so yes, it makes sense that women would take on their husband's last name upon marriage. Perhaps it is even romantic to think about your identity being merged with your love's.
But we no longer take on the other part of the original custom; women have a legal identity in today's society here in the U.S. Remember, that little thing called the 19th Amendment? It gave women the right to vote and made us separate citizens in legal terms from our fathers (after 18) and our husbands. (Why do you think divorce is so messy these days? If we weren't legal citizens we wouldn't be able to sue for divorce -unless on the grounds of adultery- and we'd have no assets to fight to regain. It would all be our husband's since the moment our hand passed from our father's to his.)
Now I understand it is partially a sentimental tradition. But so is having a big, fancy, 19th century inspired wedding gown & a groom in a tux. Think Queen Victoria's wedding. Doesn't mean it is necessary. Customs change. In colonial times, women wore yellow wedding dresses to symbolize constancy. And there is nothing in the Bible that mandates wedding dresses, last names, etc.
My Last Name argument:
My last name is important to me. It sounds right with my first name.
I am in the reserves. I went to basic training. One of the most exciting moments of those 8 weeks was finally getting my name tape sewn onto my ABU jacket. I felt as though I had earned the right to my last name. Now, I haven't gone on a deployment yet, but I know that when I do, I will come home with even more pride in the name I wear across my chest.
My grandfather was in the Army in WWII. He and I share the same last name. Now that I too am in the military I feel a connection to him that I was unable to make when he was alive.
I use my last name in my professional career outside of the military as well. My certifications are in my last name. I am called by my last name. I claim authorship to my writing and research with my last name.
My last name is part of who I am. It is a symbol of who I am and I do not want to let go of it, simply because I decide to spend my life with a single person. I do not see myself as only my first name. I am that weird Latin/Italian/Germanic mix that is represented in my namesakes. Just like I am a country girl and city lover co-mingling within the same being.
I do not fault or judge women who change their last name when they get married. I think that in the 21st century it is a personal choice driven out of the 1970s feminist movement; just like birth control. I choose to keep mine.
I don't see why I can't be referred to as Mrs. Bryan in my personal life. Why can't I call up the pizza shop and tell them that the pick up order is under Mrs. Bryan instead of Ms. Gilmore? Why can't I let my son's friends call me Mrs. Bryan? It's only legally that I'm trying to preserve my name, not necessarily socially.
Hopefully Mr. Right will understand. If not, maybe I can give up something else. Perhaps I'll offer him a den with big comfy couches, big screen TV, bar, and pool table where he can watch football games all season if I can legally keep my last name.
When we walk into the wedding reception, they can even say "Introducing Mr & Mrs Bryan." I promise I won't mind.
Road Trips
When I was younger our family vacations started with a road trip; all 5 of us and our stuff piled up in our garnet and grey van. When I was in high school I never went on the road trips that my cousin & I or my friends & I dreamed of finally being able to go on when we turned 16. But my sense of adventure, or rather, burning desire for adventure has never subsided.
I first started conducting my solo road trips when I was a freshman in college. I drove from Brockport to Allegheny nearly every other weekend to visit my high school boyfriend. During the summer of my junior year I would travel to Pittsburgh to see a boyfriend. Later in my senior year of college I drove to North Carolina to see Zach who was stationed in Fayetteville.
I guess I started falling in love with driving. I bought a new car that got better gas mileage so that it wouldn't cost so much. I remembered the fun I would have as a kid, cruising along the road, seeing what was out there, listening to the radio (which is how I can sing along to all the Oldies songs my parents listen to). I was out there on the road by myself. I controlled my own destination. I felt free.
There is something that makes me feel alive when I'm out there on the road. I love feeling the sun beat in through the windshield. I love the sound of the wind gushing through the open windows. I love turning the radio up as loud as I can make it when I find a station with one of my favorites. I love the way I can scan the radio and hear a song that I haven't heard in awhile, years perhaps, that immediately puts a smile on my face. I love not having a GPS system guide me. Yes, I have the directions written down, but the way "going with your gut" when it comes to directions gives the instant gratification of strength and courage that nothing else has ever compared to in my life. I love stopping in new places to get gasoline.
I think that the road trips I have been on are a mirror of my life. Obviously they are moments in my life, but more than that the road trip itself is a mirror of my inner being and situation. I have had my share of boyfriends, but all for one trip, it has been a solo journey. I have made wrong turns. I have stopped and asked for directions. I have nearly run out of gasoline. I have had the anxiety of whether or not I actually took the correct exit. I have discovered a place I had only heard of in books. I have taken pictures. I have seen battlefields. I have crossed over plains and rivers. I have felt alone and scared. I have journeyed through mountains. I have felt happy and exhilarated. I am always the driver. I am in control. I look forward to the drive to my destination, but typically dread the return home. I have felt like a pioneer.
For those reasons above, it only seemed appropriate that after my recent heartache I take a road trip. However, this was no ordinary breakup. This was not some boy I just needed to get over. This was a man I thought I was going to spend forever with. So, I decided I needed, my soul needed, my heart needed more than one road trip. 4 to be precise. In the span of 5 weeks. To help me, my soul, and my heart to move forward and forget the past with new, bright, and happy moments.
Maybe then, I'll find peace. Or at least the start of it.
I first started conducting my solo road trips when I was a freshman in college. I drove from Brockport to Allegheny nearly every other weekend to visit my high school boyfriend. During the summer of my junior year I would travel to Pittsburgh to see a boyfriend. Later in my senior year of college I drove to North Carolina to see Zach who was stationed in Fayetteville.
I guess I started falling in love with driving. I bought a new car that got better gas mileage so that it wouldn't cost so much. I remembered the fun I would have as a kid, cruising along the road, seeing what was out there, listening to the radio (which is how I can sing along to all the Oldies songs my parents listen to). I was out there on the road by myself. I controlled my own destination. I felt free.
There is something that makes me feel alive when I'm out there on the road. I love feeling the sun beat in through the windshield. I love the sound of the wind gushing through the open windows. I love turning the radio up as loud as I can make it when I find a station with one of my favorites. I love the way I can scan the radio and hear a song that I haven't heard in awhile, years perhaps, that immediately puts a smile on my face. I love not having a GPS system guide me. Yes, I have the directions written down, but the way "going with your gut" when it comes to directions gives the instant gratification of strength and courage that nothing else has ever compared to in my life. I love stopping in new places to get gasoline.
I think that the road trips I have been on are a mirror of my life. Obviously they are moments in my life, but more than that the road trip itself is a mirror of my inner being and situation. I have had my share of boyfriends, but all for one trip, it has been a solo journey. I have made wrong turns. I have stopped and asked for directions. I have nearly run out of gasoline. I have had the anxiety of whether or not I actually took the correct exit. I have discovered a place I had only heard of in books. I have taken pictures. I have seen battlefields. I have crossed over plains and rivers. I have felt alone and scared. I have journeyed through mountains. I have felt happy and exhilarated. I am always the driver. I am in control. I look forward to the drive to my destination, but typically dread the return home. I have felt like a pioneer.
For those reasons above, it only seemed appropriate that after my recent heartache I take a road trip. However, this was no ordinary breakup. This was not some boy I just needed to get over. This was a man I thought I was going to spend forever with. So, I decided I needed, my soul needed, my heart needed more than one road trip. 4 to be precise. In the span of 5 weeks. To help me, my soul, and my heart to move forward and forget the past with new, bright, and happy moments.
Maybe then, I'll find peace. Or at least the start of it.
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